You can tell it hasn’t been a good weekend when I find it hard to get out of bed, and google “how to kill yourself painlessly”. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but that’s what I did. Here I am, a teacher of juniors and seniors in high school, and I, myself, have yet to outgrow my own teenage angst. Anyway, when you google the above, you actually will find a link to this man’s website. It makes for quite interesting reading. And it’s nice to think that you can end your life quietly and painlessly without having to blow your brains out, or jump off a building…or anything else bloody and disfiguring.
His name is Jerry Hunt, and he came up with a fool-proof way of killing himself in 1993 when he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. You can read all about it here.
Oh, don’t worry. I’m not really suicidal. I can’t manage to achieve anything in life, so why would you even think that I’d manage to take my own life? I’m cringing as I write these sentences because I do realize that they are so self-pitying and self-absorbed. It’s so embarrassing that I can barely even bring myself to write about it. I started blogging at the end of (what?) 2006 or 2007. I’ve got married, I’ve started teaching…and, yet, still I’m not happy. I’m just not very good at life.
I feel trapped – in every single aspect of my life.
I feel trapped living in this little podunk town, teaching kids – who for the most part – don’t really care. I would probably like teaching part-time, but doing it full-time is just too much. I can’t deal with the work load. If I could wave a magic wand, and have my life the way I want it, I would live in a little cabin in the mountains with plenty of time for myself to write and sing.
Maybe this will happen one day…but when? I’m nearly thirty-three years old, and I’m bogged down with debt. I can’t afford to work only part-time.
If/when I get certified at the end of this year, where will I go after that? The sensible thing would be to stay here for another year to get some more teaching experience, but this idea hardly fills me with joy. I would like to get out of this state, and move somewhere else, but it would be hard to find a job with so little experience. Some other states wouldn’t even accept my teaching certificate from this state.
I feel trapped because I own eight pets – six cats, and two dogs. They bring me so much happiness and pleasure, but I would probably have left this country long ago if it wasn’t for them. I would like to take off to a brand new country, and start all over again, but I can’t because I would never be able to afford to take them with me. People suggest that I could just find new homes for some of them, but I would never do that. These animals have always been there for me, no matter what, and I just couldn’t abandon them because they’re “inconvenient”. Nonetheless, they stop me from being free, and travelling, and seeing new places and meeting new people.
I feel trapped because I’m married to a man I would probably never have married if I hadn’t needed some way to stay in the country. I wouldn’t just have married anybody to get a green card – there were real feelings there – but I would probably still be single if I hadn’t needed to get married. I’m really not sure I love him. We haven’t had sex in God knows when, and I cringe when he hugs me, or wants to cuddle. I want him to stay as far away from me as possible.
He does a lot for me now that I’ve started teaching (makes me dinner most nights; cleans the house; takes care of the animals) but he does everything so begrudgingly that I don’t know why he even bothers. I suppose I don’t really blame him. It must get pretty tiresome to help somebody who gives you nothing in return. I don’t know why, but I just can’t bring myself to put anything into this relationship.
I am tired. I’m tired of working twelve hours days, and then having no money to show for it at the end of the month because I’m supporting both of us (this place is so poor that it’s been really hard for him to find a job). I wouldn’t mind if I thought there would be an end to this, but he has no career to speak of, and it doesn’t look like he ever will. He wants to be a graphic novelist, but he never does any work. He has all these pipe dreams about how to earn money as an artist, but he never gets started. I can’t go on spending every penny I earn to support both of us. I’d like to put some money aside for a “rainy day”, so that I can start afresh somewhere new.
I just don’t feel well. I think I’m suffering from anxiety and depression, and I think that my husband probably is too, so we can’t help each other. I can’t give him anything because I’ve got nothing to give. Every weekend, I spend the whole Saturday in bed, dreading the idea of getting up. It’s nearly 4:00 p.m. on Sunday and I’ve only now got out of bed! I have all my lessons to plan for tomorrow, and all my grading to do, also, so, as usual, I’ll be up into the wee small hours of the morning doing what I actually had all weekend to do.
I’m an adult, and yet I’m completely disorganized and inefficient. There are numerous things I’m good at (writing/singing) but I don’t know how to use these talents. Everything just seems like such a huge, insurmountable obstacle.
Before writing this, I spent some time researching psychiatrists online because I would like to visit one and be prescribed some kind of medication. I want something to make it all better. NOW! I don’t want to fucking talk to a therapist because that has never worked very well for me. I just need something to help me get out of bed, and feel a little bit better about myself.
williamx said,
November 21, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Hey, I am 42 and feel pretty much the same, except my little love life is madness and debauchery rather than cold necessity. It all amounts to the same emptiness though . . .
Ah Petrichor, I am glad to see you blogging again even though you are all down. I’d offer up some words of encouragement or say something funny, but I’ve got this American Armored Wankerball fixation happening and I am not clever enough by half to pull wisdom out of my aggro brain.
You’ve come pretty far though, sister. You are moving in the right direction, even if the pace is not to your liking. What’s that? Ah yes my old army self just came by to say ‘Relax. Why die all tensed up?”
I’d tell that guy to get bent, he knows nothing. But he is heavily armed and has drug crazed eyes . . .
petrichoric said,
November 21, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Williamx! How good to see you again! I was feeling all lonely, and logged into my blog desperately hoping that someone had left me a comment (pathetic, I know)and I saw that someone had. I was fully expecting it to be a spambot, so it was nice to find a message from you instead! What on earth is an “American Armored Wankerball”?! I’m confused.
julie said,
February 9, 2011 at 10:24 pm
Wow, Petri, so glad you asked William what an “American Armoured Wankerball” is! As I was reading his blog I thought WTF? Is that an army rhetoric? I’m sitting in my lounge room, thats a living room here in Australia, looking up websites on how to commit suicide without leaving a huge mess for someone else to clean up. I’ve left a big enough mess as it is. My life is just one big mess! My get up an go picked up and went ages ago, and I just don’t care any more. I’m just waiting around for “Scotty to Beam me up” but it’s just not happening fast enough.
Julie
petrichoric said,
February 10, 2011 at 11:15 am
Hi, Julie. I really hope that you’re not genuinely suicidal. If you are, there’s obviously not anything a stranger like me can say to you to prevent it. The only thing I can come up is the old chestnut: “Just hang on – life will get better”. I have found this article about suicide (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/magazine/06suicide-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1) to be really interesting because it shows just how impulsive an act it can be. This is what is saddest about suicide for me – if people had just waited a little, their mood *might* have improved, and they very likely wouldn’t have killed themselves. In other words, don’t do it!
LazyBuddhist said,
November 21, 2010 at 4:42 pm
I am truly sorry that life sucks right now for you. But, it does indeed sound like you’ve got some full blown depression going on there. So, yes, find yourself a doctor and get some meds. Once you’ve got some ground under your feet again (or at least can get out of bed on a non-work day) then you can start to figuring out a way to cope with your situation.
And I completely understand your position re: the pets. Who else in our darkest moments completely accept us and love us? We have a responsibility towards them for their lifetime. And while one may view them as tying us down to a place, situation, I prefer to see it as them grounding me when all else is swirling madly around.
Good luck to you. You may not necessarily need a psychiatrist to get you on anti-depressants. Most general practitioners are pretty free these days with the Prozac/Paxil/Zoloft scripts.
petrichoric said,
November 21, 2010 at 5:06 pm
I like what you have to say about animals grounding us. As much as I do feel that they tie me down, they have been my greatest friends and support for so many years. Actually another source of conflict between my husband and I is that he sees my animals as a burden. I understand that it’s not always the most sensible thing to rescue yet another animal when I can barely afford to feed myself, but how can somebody *NOT* want to help an animal in distress?!
I didn’t know that I could ask a general practitioner about getting on antidepressants. I think that I will give that a shot. Thank you for coming by my blog. I am so lonely right now, and it means a lot that someone takes the time to comment. It makes me feel a little bit more connected to the world.
williamx said,
November 21, 2010 at 5:23 pm
American Armored Wankerball is also known as American Football. My Orange cat Hank! will not be in the same room when I am watching, since he dislikes loud sounds and sudden movements, like me jumping up and yelling.
funny how he always starts off in my lap and ends up as far away as possible.
Truth to tell sister I’ve missed you, weird as that may sound. I don’t do the online only friend thing, since I am plenty social, but count you as an exception, so there! You are my only online friend. How pathetic is that? Don’t leave me sweetness!
I don’t know if you need meds or not, I think it is your situation that has you down and meds will just get in the way of you getting where you need to be, eventually. But then again could be they are just what you need to get through this low time and get where you need to be . . .
petrichoric said,
November 21, 2010 at 5:58 pm
Aw, I’m touched that you think of me as your only online friend!
I don’t really do the online friend thing either (it has always seemed a bit superficial or unreal) but you *are* definitely somebody I would consider an “online friend”. Do you think that we would like each other other if we met in real life? I’ve always wondered about that kind of thing. Ha ha!
Does you cat really have an exclamation mark after his name, or was that a typo? If not, that’s pretty cool.
As regards meds, I think I would like some. I have no idea if they would help or not, but getting some would at least give me the hope that things are going to get better. A placebo effect is better than nothing, eh?
williamx said,
November 21, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Would we like each other? I like to think so, since we already have a head start on knowing each other. If we encountered one another ignorant of this online thing, probably still since I am half scot and you have that whole accent thing, and are all smart and stuff. I’m a decent conversationalist and could be I have a sense of humor. So yeah. Who can say eh? I might be too much of a stoner slacker for your liking though.
Poor Hank! has the real given name of Mr. Hanky. I did not bestow this absurdity. My insane roomie totally adores him though and talks to him constantly, with exclamation points and sometimes all in caps. She is a strange one, but a good friend and adequate roommate.
As for meds? See the above stoner slacker confession. I need to bounce my head and pour whiskey into my brain from time to time, for many reasons but not least is to keep from worrying about how not my life my life sometimes seems. A professional probably proscribes a damn good buzz. Give it a shot, says I.
petrichoric said,
November 21, 2010 at 6:45 pm
I quite like the name Mr. Hanky although I like Hank! (with an exclamation point) much better. It definitely suits an orange cat.
I don’t mind stoned slackers as long as they are smart and have interesting things to say. My problem with stoners is that they often come out with a lot of crap they think is philosophical when really it’s just stoned bollocks. Actually, I think stoned slackers don’t really like me because I’m a bit too hyperactive for them.
Yes, I like to think we would get along, but it would be a terrible disappointment if we didn’t, though, eh? I didn’t know you were half-Scottish! This is news!
williamx said,
November 21, 2010 at 7:06 pm
It would indeed be a serious problem but, what with you being all hyperactive in the mind and deed, and I being pretty much up for any adventure and determination not to let sucky moments continue sucking, There would be no problem.
I’ve got MacDonald and Mackintosh from my mom. German and Swiss from my dad. You’d think either I’d tall, blond and organized or tall, buff and crazed . . . but no I am short, weird looking and awesome. You’re not a Campbell are you . . .
petrichoric said,
November 21, 2010 at 7:29 pm
No, I have no Campbell in me as far as I know – however, I do have an orange cat named Campbell. Does that count?
williamx said,
November 21, 2010 at 7:31 pm
Ha no, sorry. Too bad, I was hoping for the whole Romeo and Juliet scenario. Alas . . .
arekino said,
November 22, 2010 at 7:42 am
Hi there Petrichor,
Well, hopefully you didn’t fall asleep in class on monday. :0 Hey, all beginnings are hard.
Try to stop thinking about things like suicide. I doesn’t help you any further. Venting about your troubles on the internet probably does a lot more good.
You have 8 pets? Are you hoarding animals? Are they a symptom of what’s wrong with your life? How much money do these pets cost you per month?
Well, no sex/intimacy doesn’t help. When have you last asked your husband how he is doing? I sure hope you still talk to him.
Forget that stupid little cabin in the mountains and get your shit together.
petrichoric said,
November 23, 2010 at 1:05 am
Oh, Arekino. Telling me to get my shit together really doesn’t help me. Tough love is not my cup of tea. Humour me. Indulge me. Spoil me.
Vronsky said,
November 22, 2010 at 7:48 am
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful:
You might as well live.
Dorothy Parker
petrichoric said,
November 23, 2010 at 1:04 am
Ha. Dorothy Parker – you’ve got to love the woman, eh? (even if that poem does make me feel like a pathetic sixteen-year-old Smiths fan).
steve said,
May 3, 2011 at 8:32 am
Hey there, I am a very lonely guy that don’t have any friends. I feel like I’m just taking up space, so I am going to commit suicide to put an end to my pain. I can’t take it any more. Why does life have to be so painful????
Lavica said,
May 11, 2011 at 9:31 pm
As a 45 year old female, I thought I was the only one to feel this way. I have to say, that this is very similar to myself. Is it coincidence that we are in our 40s and from the 80s generation? Feeling this way is embarrassing because any type of ‘mental’ illness – i.e. depression – is not considered by many to be a ‘real’ illness. Anyway, if it is any help at all, just know that you are not alone.
val said,
May 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm
I stumbled across your blog while googling making friends through blogging.
I hope things work out for you and that you get the help you need. Life can be such a bitch.
glen said,
June 6, 2011 at 11:18 am
im planning to kill myself. im 26 and still jobless. i know that im the black sheep of my family. ive done terrible things to them. i really wanted to end this depression. i know that there’s no future waiting for me. my mother is sick and there’s nothing i can do to help her. i don’t believe in god. i know there are a lot of people who are feeling the same way as me and they are able to cope with it. but im not like them. im in a lot of pain right now and my conscience is killing me. my plan of killing myself will start on my birthday. i know that no one can help me stop this, so im just asking you people if what is the easiest way to kill myself painlessly?
glen said,
June 6, 2011 at 11:47 am
i have an organ donor card and i will donate my organs. i dont drink alcohol, do drugs or smoke cigarettes.. i dont feel physically ill right now but i know that im psychologically and emotionally unstable. ive done research on how long does it take for our vital organs to be preserved and still be usable after death but i cant get a thorough and accurate answer. any doctors here or anyone on the medical field can share there knowledge? and how to die painlessly? pls i need your HELP!!!!
saian said,
June 21, 2011 at 7:27 pm
glen, I don’t know you, I don’t know how you look like, how you smell, how you talk, or even how you think… I don’t have the key to your problem, and it isn’t my job to tell you how to deal with your problems… But I know one thing: the only thing I want to do right now is to run at you and hugh you all the love that is still left in my heart!! <3
LazyBuddhist said,
June 11, 2011 at 11:02 pm
Glen, you’re not going to get any advice from me about how to kill yourself. I do understand how you feel though. My 20′s were hell. I raped, both of my parents died, and I couldn’t keep a friend because I sucked everyone dry. I saw no hope, and was obsessed with finding a painless way out.
I don’t remember who pointed it out to me, but I remember someone saying to me, “why is it, if you are so full of self-hated and pain, that you only want to end if you can do it painlessly? Obviously, you still care about yourself in some way. Otherwise, you’d just say “fuck all” and find some ghastly yet effective way to do yourself in.” He had a point. One night when my behavior became so reckless that I almost killed myself, I scared myself into getting help.
You’re right, though, there are a lot of people suffering with depression, from loss and from hopelessness. However, you’re wrong in thinking they are different from you. Like others, like me, you can get through this. You just need help. The smartest thing I ever did was to make a phone call and get myself some mental health help. Sure, I didn’t feel instantaneously better, but knowing there was a way out of my hell gave me hope.
What you’re experiencing is temporary. Painful as all hell, but temporary. Death, is very very permanent. Please reach out and ask for help with staying alive. There are people who do care about your suffering. You simply need to reach out.
I wish you the best. Peace.
petrichoric said,
June 12, 2011 at 11:37 am
LazyBuddhist, thank you for writing this. I don’t know what to say when people leave comments telling me they’re suicidal. I’ve tried composing a few replies but they always seem so trite and pointless. Your words, in contrast, were perfect.
LazyBuddhist said,
June 11, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Quick correction: I *was* raped. I didn’t rape.
deebee said,
June 13, 2011 at 5:07 pm
I am now 58. I wasted the last 30+ years as a teacher and have achieved nothing in my life really. Now it is too late to do anything. There is no point dreaming anymore. I just live my pointless life and wake up every moring to the same cold,nagging reality that I have wasted entirely, the life that I was given. I have a loving family, so suicide is not an option for me yet.
At ‘thirty something’ though you DO have options. If you want to live in a little cabin in the mountains, then just go and do it. Don’t not do it because you doubt that you can achieve it. Your next 20+ years are going to go by so fast and you don’t want to end up like me, you really don’t. Just do it!!!
All the best
DB
petrichoric said,
July 8, 2011 at 1:24 pm
Well, I would love to just take off and live in a little cabin in the mountains, but I don’t know how I could make that work, given that I have no savings to survive on.
As much as teaching was not for me, I don’t think that you “wasted” the last thirty years being a teacher. Surely you must have touched some children’s lives in all that time?!
Tigerlily said,
November 9, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Well, It is good that you have a loving family. Not everyone does. If you still have your health, then you can still change your life. People in their 70′s have gone back to school for a career change. I know our present economy makes it difficult for anyone to just break out and make a change but if your family is truly “loving” then maybe it is time for them to support you in what you want to do in life. Your dreams may have to be altered a little bit because the world has changed in 30 years but that does not mean that you cannot dream anymore or that you can’t achieve your dreams
saian said,
June 21, 2011 at 7:11 pm
hey, I kind of feel the same way you do, (but that doesn’t count, I’m a teenager) so just try weed, it helps SOOOOOOOOOOOO mutch
saian said,
June 21, 2011 at 7:23 pm
And OMG! your writing is amazing! I keep on reading your webpage over and over, the words you use are just… I don’t know, I just feel all you say is meaningful. You should try to write a book ore something like that. I may just be a teenager, but I clearly see all the potential you have as a writer. You should try fiction. One of my teacher told me once that writing was a key out of my depression, and I tried it. It didn’t change my life, but know I at least have something to do until I get somehow better.
I know this might not mean anything to you, but I hope you will try it one day, and that it will work for you as it did for me…
PS (I’m french, so excuse my bad english, I still have things to work on)
I wish you hapiness
petrichoric said,
July 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm
Well, thank you, Saian. I’m glad that you like my writing. I know that you said you’re a teenager, but I’m hoping that you’re secretly an incredibly influential publisher in disguise who’s going to offer me a book deal? No? Oh well.
Rahsun said,
November 26, 2011 at 7:22 pm
I’m going to do it. I’m sooooo tired. I’m 42 and not doing anything w my life. I played college football at Notre Dame bit never got my degree. Long story short my whole adult life has been hit or miss. I’ve done well financially at an early age and took great care of my family, a few years back I was in this financial sceme I thought was legit went to prison for a year got out now can’t get a job anywhere. I’ve always made good living for my family but now I can’t. My wife no longer respects me and I think she hates me to be honest. She doesn’t remember me having her in a half a million dollar house driving her new vehicles for years. She just tells me I’m a scrub n ain’t worth shit now. It hurts bad bc I already feel bad enough bc I can’t tale care of my responsibilities and as a man it kills me. I think she just broke my elbow by Hitting me w a hard waste can on it. I ayes football ever since I was 6 years old n nothing ever hurt as bad as that can did. It’s killing me right now. More than that it really broke my heart. I’m just tired. I went to one of my best friends funeral today he killed himself. I’m pretty sure about to go do it myself. I GIVE
david said,
November 8, 2011 at 1:12 pm
im tired exhausted, i want to end things, i just want to go to sleep and never wake up. my wife is suicidal and has made several serious attempts, im worn out trying to care for her. she even tried to run me down tonight when i was trying to stop her doing something stupid. I love her so much but i cant take any more it is destroying me from the inside. I dont want to leave her I just want to die.
david said,
November 8, 2011 at 4:24 pm
she may not have killed my body but she is destroying me and stupid as i am i still love her and want to care for her, i know nobody wants to hear this and i should shut up but its make a noise or end this life and im frightened i feel so lost sorry to be such a woos