How to kill yourself painlessly


You can tell it hasn’t been a good weekend when I find it hard to get out of bed, and google “how to kill yourself painlessly”. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but that’s what I did. Here I am, a teacher of juniors and seniors in high school, and I, myself, have yet to outgrow my own teenage angst. Anyway, when you google the above, you actually will find a link to this man’s website. It makes for quite interesting reading. And it’s nice to think that you can end your life quietly and painlessly without having to blow your brains out, or jump off a building…or anything else bloody and disfiguring.

His name is Jerry Hunt, and he came up with a fool-proof way of killing himself in 1993 when he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. You can read all about it here.

Oh, don’t worry. I’m not really suicidal. I can’t manage to achieve anything in life, so why would you even think that I’d manage to take my own life? I’m cringing as I write these sentences because I do realize that they are so self-pitying and self-absorbed. It’s so embarrassing that I can barely even bring myself to write about it. I started blogging at the end of (what?) 2006 or 2007. I’ve got married, I’ve started teaching…and, yet, still I’m not happy. I’m just not very good at life.

I feel trapped – in every single aspect of my life.

I feel trapped living in this little podunk town, teaching kids – who for the most part – don’t really care. I would probably like teaching part-time, but doing it full-time is just too much. I can’t deal with the work load. If I could wave a magic wand, and have my life the way I want it, I would live in a little cabin in the mountains with plenty of time for myself to write and sing.

Maybe this will happen one day…but when? I’m nearly thirty-three years old, and I’m bogged down with debt. I can’t afford to work only part-time.

If/when I get certified at the end of this year, where will I go after that? The sensible thing would be to stay here for another year to get some more teaching experience, but this idea hardly fills me with joy. I would like to get out of this state, and move somewhere else, but it would be hard to find a job with so little experience. Some other states wouldn’t even accept my teaching certificate from this state.

I feel trapped because I own eight pets – six cats, and two dogs. They bring me so much happiness and pleasure, but I would probably have left this country long ago if it wasn’t for them. I would like to take off to a brand new country, and start all over again, but I can’t because I would never be able to afford to take them with me. People suggest that I could just find new homes for some of them, but I would never do that. These animals have always been there for me, no matter what, and I just couldn’t abandon them because they’re “inconvenient”. Nonetheless, they stop me from being free, and travelling, and seeing new places and meeting new people.

I feel trapped because I’m married to a man I would probably never have married if I hadn’t needed some way to stay in the country. I wouldn’t just have married anybody to get a green card – there were real feelings there – but I would probably still be single if I hadn’t needed to get married. I’m really not sure I love him. We haven’t had sex in God knows when, and I cringe when he hugs me, or wants to cuddle. I want him to stay as far away from me as possible.

He does a lot for me now that I’ve started teaching (makes me dinner most nights; cleans the house; takes care of the animals) but he does everything so begrudgingly that I don’t know why he even bothers. I suppose I don’t really blame him. It must get pretty tiresome to help somebody who gives you nothing in return. I don’t know why, but I just can’t bring myself to put anything into this relationship.

I am tired. I’m tired of working twelve hours days, and then having no money to show for it at the end of the month because I’m supporting both of us (this place is so poor that it’s been really hard for him to find a job). I wouldn’t mind if I thought there would be an end to this, but he has no career to speak of, and it doesn’t look like he ever will. He wants to be a graphic novelist, but he never does any work. He has all these pipe dreams about how to earn money as an artist, but he never gets started. I can’t go on spending every penny I earn to support both of us. I’d like to put some money aside for a “rainy day”, so that I can start afresh somewhere new.

I just don’t feel well. I think I’m suffering from anxiety and depression, and I think that my husband probably is too, so we can’t help each other. I can’t give him anything because I’ve got nothing to give. Every weekend, I spend the whole Saturday in bed, dreading the idea of getting up. It’s nearly 4:00 p.m. on Sunday and I’ve only now got out of bed! I have all my lessons to plan for tomorrow, and all my grading to do, also, so, as usual, I’ll be up into the wee small hours of the morning doing what I actually had all weekend to do.

I’m an adult, and yet I’m completely disorganized and inefficient. There are numerous things I’m good at (writing/singing) but I don’t know how to use these talents. Everything just seems like such a huge, insurmountable obstacle.

Before writing this, I spent some time researching psychiatrists online because I would like to visit one and be prescribed some kind of medication. I want something to make it all better. NOW! I don’t want to fucking talk to a therapist because that has never worked very well for me. I just need something to help me get out of bed, and feel a little bit better about myself.

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106 thoughts on “How to kill yourself painlessly

  1. williamx November 21, 2010 at 4:35 pm Reply

    Hey, I am 42 and feel pretty much the same, except my little love life is madness and debauchery rather than cold necessity. It all amounts to the same emptiness though . . .
    Ah Petrichor, I am glad to see you blogging again even though you are all down. I’d offer up some words of encouragement or say something funny, but I’ve got this American Armored Wankerball fixation happening and I am not clever enough by half to pull wisdom out of my aggro brain.
    You’ve come pretty far though, sister. You are moving in the right direction, even if the pace is not to your liking. What’s that? Ah yes my old army self just came by to say ‘Relax. Why die all tensed up?”
    I’d tell that guy to get bent, he knows nothing. But he is heavily armed and has drug crazed eyes . . .

    • petrichoric November 21, 2010 at 4:37 pm Reply

      Williamx! How good to see you again! I was feeling all lonely, and logged into my blog desperately hoping that someone had left me a comment (pathetic, I know)and I saw that someone had. I was fully expecting it to be a spambot, so it was nice to find a message from you instead! What on earth is an “American Armored Wankerball”?! I’m confused.

      • julie February 9, 2011 at 10:24 pm Reply

        Wow, Petri, so glad you asked William what an “American Armoured Wankerball” is! As I was reading his blog I thought WTF? Is that an army rhetoric? I’m sitting in my lounge room, thats a living room here in Australia, looking up websites on how to commit suicide without leaving a huge mess for someone else to clean up. I’ve left a big enough mess as it is. My life is just one big mess! My get up an go picked up and went ages ago, and I just don’t care any more. I’m just waiting around for “Scotty to Beam me up” but it’s just not happening fast enough.

        Julie

        • petrichoric February 10, 2011 at 11:15 am Reply

          Hi, Julie. I really hope that you’re not genuinely suicidal. If you are, there’s obviously not anything a stranger like me can say to you to prevent it. The only thing I can come up is the old chestnut: “Just hang on – life will get better”. I have found this article about suicide (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/magazine/06suicide-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1) to be really interesting because it shows just how impulsive an act it can be. This is what is saddest about suicide for me – if people had just waited a little, their mood *might* have improved, and they very likely wouldn’t have killed themselves. In other words, don’t do it!

          • B.D. May 17, 2012 at 11:02 am Reply

            Listen here you. You might be right about being impulsive to some extent but its not always that way. Some of us have waited decades for the situation to change and not idlely but actively. I worked and got married and made efforts to be a good friend so that I. Could have good friends. I was Christian and very zealous about it. However, since before I was born I have been struggling to live. It. Has not gotten better. My husband deserted me, it feels as though God has to, I have no friends at all and I can no longer work because the side effects of what my parents did as well as many others have taken over my life. I’ve taken many different meds and seen many different doctors. I’ve been in and out of many hospitals. All of this for years, decades after becoming suicidal. I’ve waited for the right thing to happen and I. Understand that it never will. So keep your judgemental statements to yourself. You don’t. Understand or know what you’re talking about!

  2. LazyBuddhist November 21, 2010 at 4:42 pm Reply

    I am truly sorry that life sucks right now for you. But, it does indeed sound like you’ve got some full blown depression going on there. So, yes, find yourself a doctor and get some meds. Once you’ve got some ground under your feet again (or at least can get out of bed on a non-work day) then you can start to figuring out a way to cope with your situation.

    And I completely understand your position re: the pets. Who else in our darkest moments completely accept us and love us? We have a responsibility towards them for their lifetime. And while one may view them as tying us down to a place, situation, I prefer to see it as them grounding me when all else is swirling madly around.

    Good luck to you. You may not necessarily need a psychiatrist to get you on anti-depressants. Most general practitioners are pretty free these days with the Prozac/Paxil/Zoloft scripts.

    • petrichoric November 21, 2010 at 5:06 pm Reply

      I like what you have to say about animals grounding us. As much as I do feel that they tie me down, they have been my greatest friends and support for so many years. Actually another source of conflict between my husband and I is that he sees my animals as a burden. I understand that it’s not always the most sensible thing to rescue yet another animal when I can barely afford to feed myself, but how can somebody *NOT* want to help an animal in distress?!

      I didn’t know that I could ask a general practitioner about getting on antidepressants. I think that I will give that a shot. Thank you for coming by my blog. I am so lonely right now, and it means a lot that someone takes the time to comment. It makes me feel a little bit more connected to the world.

  3. williamx November 21, 2010 at 5:23 pm Reply

    American Armored Wankerball is also known as American Football. My Orange cat Hank! will not be in the same room when I am watching, since he dislikes loud sounds and sudden movements, like me jumping up and yelling.
    funny how he always starts off in my lap and ends up as far away as possible.
    Truth to tell sister I’ve missed you, weird as that may sound. I don’t do the online only friend thing, since I am plenty social, but count you as an exception, so there! You are my only online friend. How pathetic is that? Don’t leave me sweetness!
    I don’t know if you need meds or not, I think it is your situation that has you down and meds will just get in the way of you getting where you need to be, eventually. But then again could be they are just what you need to get through this low time and get where you need to be . . .

    • petrichoric November 21, 2010 at 5:58 pm Reply

      Aw, I’m touched that you think of me as your only online friend! :-) I don’t really do the online friend thing either (it has always seemed a bit superficial or unreal) but you *are* definitely somebody I would consider an “online friend”. Do you think that we would like each other other if we met in real life? I’ve always wondered about that kind of thing. Ha ha!

      Does you cat really have an exclamation mark after his name, or was that a typo? If not, that’s pretty cool.

      As regards meds, I think I would like some. I have no idea if they would help or not, but getting some would at least give me the hope that things are going to get better. A placebo effect is better than nothing, eh?

  4. williamx November 21, 2010 at 6:18 pm Reply

    Would we like each other? I like to think so, since we already have a head start on knowing each other. If we encountered one another ignorant of this online thing, probably still since I am half scot and you have that whole accent thing, and are all smart and stuff. I’m a decent conversationalist and could be I have a sense of humor. So yeah. Who can say eh? I might be too much of a stoner slacker for your liking though.
    Poor Hank! has the real given name of Mr. Hanky. I did not bestow this absurdity. My insane roomie totally adores him though and talks to him constantly, with exclamation points and sometimes all in caps. She is a strange one, but a good friend and adequate roommate.
    As for meds? See the above stoner slacker confession. I need to bounce my head and pour whiskey into my brain from time to time, for many reasons but not least is to keep from worrying about how not my life my life sometimes seems. A professional probably proscribes a damn good buzz. Give it a shot, says I.

    • petrichoric November 21, 2010 at 6:45 pm Reply

      I quite like the name Mr. Hanky although I like Hank! (with an exclamation point) much better. It definitely suits an orange cat.

      I don’t mind stoned slackers as long as they are smart and have interesting things to say. My problem with stoners is that they often come out with a lot of crap they think is philosophical when really it’s just stoned bollocks. Actually, I think stoned slackers don’t really like me because I’m a bit too hyperactive for them.

      Yes, I like to think we would get along, but it would be a terrible disappointment if we didn’t, though, eh? I didn’t know you were half-Scottish! This is news!

  5. williamx November 21, 2010 at 7:06 pm Reply

    It would indeed be a serious problem but, what with you being all hyperactive in the mind and deed, and I being pretty much up for any adventure and determination not to let sucky moments continue sucking, There would be no problem.
    I’ve got MacDonald and Mackintosh from my mom. German and Swiss from my dad. You’d think either I’d tall, blond and organized or tall, buff and crazed . . . but no I am short, weird looking and awesome. You’re not a Campbell are you . . .

    • petrichoric November 21, 2010 at 7:29 pm Reply

      No, I have no Campbell in me as far as I know – however, I do have an orange cat named Campbell. Does that count?

  6. williamx November 21, 2010 at 7:31 pm Reply

    Ha no, sorry. Too bad, I was hoping for the whole Romeo and Juliet scenario. Alas . . .

  7. arekino November 22, 2010 at 7:42 am Reply

    Hi there Petrichor,

    Well, hopefully you didn’t fall asleep in class on monday. :0 Hey, all beginnings are hard.

    Try to stop thinking about things like suicide. I doesn’t help you any further. Venting about your troubles on the internet probably does a lot more good.

    You have 8 pets? Are you hoarding animals? Are they a symptom of what’s wrong with your life? How much money do these pets cost you per month?

    Well, no sex/intimacy doesn’t help. When have you last asked your husband how he is doing? I sure hope you still talk to him.

    Forget that stupid little cabin in the mountains and get your shit together.

    • petrichoric November 23, 2010 at 1:05 am Reply

      Oh, Arekino. Telling me to get my shit together really doesn’t help me. Tough love is not my cup of tea. Humour me. Indulge me. Spoil me.

  8. Vronsky November 22, 2010 at 7:48 am Reply

    Guns aren’t lawful;
    Nooses give;
    Gas smells awful:
    You might as well live.

    Dorothy Parker

    • petrichoric November 23, 2010 at 1:04 am Reply

      Ha. Dorothy Parker – you’ve got to love the woman, eh? (even if that poem does make me feel like a pathetic sixteen-year-old Smiths fan).

  9. steve May 3, 2011 at 8:32 am Reply

    Hey there, I am a very lonely guy that don’t have any friends. I feel like I’m just taking up space, so I am going to commit suicide to put an end to my pain. I can’t take it any more. Why does life have to be so painful????

  10. Lavica May 11, 2011 at 9:31 pm Reply

    As a 45 year old female, I thought I was the only one to feel this way. I have to say, that this is very similar to myself. Is it coincidence that we are in our 40s and from the 80s generation? Feeling this way is embarrassing because any type of ‘mental’ illness – i.e. depression – is not considered by many to be a ‘real’ illness. Anyway, if it is any help at all, just know that you are not alone.

  11. val May 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm Reply

    I stumbled across your blog while googling making friends through blogging.
    I hope things work out for you and that you get the help you need. Life can be such a bitch.

  12. glen June 6, 2011 at 11:18 am Reply

    im planning to kill myself. im 26 and still jobless. i know that im the black sheep of my family. ive done terrible things to them. i really wanted to end this depression. i know that there’s no future waiting for me. my mother is sick and there’s nothing i can do to help her. i don’t believe in god. i know there are a lot of people who are feeling the same way as me and they are able to cope with it. but im not like them. im in a lot of pain right now and my conscience is killing me. my plan of killing myself will start on my birthday. i know that no one can help me stop this, so im just asking you people if what is the easiest way to kill myself painlessly?

    • glen June 6, 2011 at 11:47 am Reply

      i have an organ donor card and i will donate my organs. i dont drink alcohol, do drugs or smoke cigarettes.. i dont feel physically ill right now but i know that im psychologically and emotionally unstable. ive done research on how long does it take for our vital organs to be preserved and still be usable after death but i cant get a thorough and accurate answer. any doctors here or anyone on the medical field can share there knowledge? and how to die painlessly? pls i need your HELP!!!!

      • saian June 21, 2011 at 7:27 pm Reply

        glen, I don’t know you, I don’t know how you look like, how you smell, how you talk, or even how you think… I don’t have the key to your problem, and it isn’t my job to tell you how to deal with your problems… But I know one thing: the only thing I want to do right now is to run at you and hugh you all the love that is still left in my heart!! <3

      • Another Nobody May 8, 2012 at 8:39 pm Reply

        Use the method from the top of the page. It’s flawless really, no taste no response! I’m just trying to get the nerve before i take the one way luxury cruise to hell. For any religious people out there… is there any place in the bible that says it is okay to kill yourself?

        • B.D. June 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm Reply

          Actually, there is a passage that says that we should trust in God because not only will he not allow us do endure more than we can bare but he’ll also make the way out.I think. Its in 1 or 2 Corinthians I think. Anyway, book of james talks about endurance. So basically if we take our own lives than we are not trusting in God. In proverbs 27:11 it says that God wants us to be patient obedient and faithful so that God can prove the devil a liar inregards to the issue brought up in the Garden of Eden and with the good man Job. The devil said that all men would do anything including hurting God’s feelings in behalf of his or her own soul (life) and that people are only loyal to God when things are good but if things are bad then they (we) curse God and will not be loyal. So if you take all these scriptures into account you see that not only does God not condone suicide but its proof that we’ve given into satan the devil and that we don’t trust God to help us when the time is right.

          • InaWorldOfShit June 8, 2013 at 6:28 pm Reply

            Where the hell is this “GOD” when people feel like this? I’ve tried to talk to family, friends, my “boyfriend” no one cares, Im alone. And tonight, I’ll die alone. Just don’t want it to hurt so I’m drinking first so that way it just happens and there is no pain. I can’t handle pain, it’ll make me chicken out and right now, I can’t chicken out because if I don’t do it, things are just going to get worse. I have kids, that’s the worst part. They are going to suffer because I have no one else. And they don’t listen to me, ever. They tell me all the time that they hate me. Asked my mom to come over and help. Told her I couldn’t handle anymore. Know what she told me? I just woke up because I had to work last night and I’m going out tonight so I can’t come over. Haha! Insane! I would have never done that to my kids. But just in case I turn out like her. I want to get rid of myself first.

    • worthless lifenow January 19, 2012 at 5:09 pm Reply

      hi glen , if you are still here and your birthday hasnt come up yet, if you find a way to do it please send the method to me before you do it , we seem to have the same views on life , it sucks. please read my story , and maybe we can meet up in the next life where our kindness is seen and respected by others we meet and the meaning of life has happiness to what we believe is to be shared by all..

      • worthless lifenow February 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm Reply

        hi glen i found a way in which i will problibly try tonight, glee butter and honey in even amounts weight wise. my life is truely over, no job , no wife shes gone turned on me, i owe money , and i m out of cash , the rent is due and i cant pay it, my health is very bad, ever since my kidney stones, 2 operations and complications from it, just this last week i had a mild heart attack. people are so mean to me everywhere ! all i ever wanted was happiness for all, not greed for money, enough for me and others whom needed it, i cant do that anymore, with my illness. i m a 3 legged horse with 2 broken leggs. hopefully this time i will have success, and leave this world of hell.

  13. LazyBuddhist June 11, 2011 at 11:02 pm Reply

    Glen, you’re not going to get any advice from me about how to kill yourself. I do understand how you feel though. My 20′s were hell. I raped, both of my parents died, and I couldn’t keep a friend because I sucked everyone dry. I saw no hope, and was obsessed with finding a painless way out.

    I don’t remember who pointed it out to me, but I remember someone saying to me, “why is it, if you are so full of self-hated and pain, that you only want to end if you can do it painlessly? Obviously, you still care about yourself in some way. Otherwise, you’d just say “fuck all” and find some ghastly yet effective way to do yourself in.” He had a point. One night when my behavior became so reckless that I almost killed myself, I scared myself into getting help.

    You’re right, though, there are a lot of people suffering with depression, from loss and from hopelessness. However, you’re wrong in thinking they are different from you. Like others, like me, you can get through this. You just need help. The smartest thing I ever did was to make a phone call and get myself some mental health help. Sure, I didn’t feel instantaneously better, but knowing there was a way out of my hell gave me hope.

    What you’re experiencing is temporary. Painful as all hell, but temporary. Death, is very very permanent. Please reach out and ask for help with staying alive. There are people who do care about your suffering. You simply need to reach out.

    I wish you the best. Peace.

    • petrichoric June 12, 2011 at 11:37 am Reply

      LazyBuddhist, thank you for writing this. I don’t know what to say when people leave comments telling me they’re suicidal. I’ve tried composing a few replies but they always seem so trite and pointless. Your words, in contrast, were perfect.

  14. LazyBuddhist June 11, 2011 at 11:03 pm Reply

    Quick correction: I *was* raped. I didn’t rape.

  15. deebee June 13, 2011 at 5:07 pm Reply

    I am now 58. I wasted the last 30+ years as a teacher and have achieved nothing in my life really. Now it is too late to do anything. There is no point dreaming anymore. I just live my pointless life and wake up every moring to the same cold,nagging reality that I have wasted entirely, the life that I was given. I have a loving family, so suicide is not an option for me yet.

    At ‘thirty something’ though you DO have options. If you want to live in a little cabin in the mountains, then just go and do it. Don’t not do it because you doubt that you can achieve it. Your next 20+ years are going to go by so fast and you don’t want to end up like me, you really don’t. Just do it!!!

    All the best

    DB

    • petrichoric July 8, 2011 at 1:24 pm Reply

      Well, I would love to just take off and live in a little cabin in the mountains, but I don’t know how I could make that work, given that I have no savings to survive on.

      As much as teaching was not for me, I don’t think that you “wasted” the last thirty years being a teacher. Surely you must have touched some children’s lives in all that time?!

    • Tigerlily November 9, 2011 at 3:45 pm Reply

      Well, It is good that you have a loving family. Not everyone does. If you still have your health, then you can still change your life. People in their 70′s have gone back to school for a career change. I know our present economy makes it difficult for anyone to just break out and make a change but if your family is truly “loving” then maybe it is time for them to support you in what you want to do in life. Your dreams may have to be altered a little bit because the world has changed in 30 years but that does not mean that you cannot dream anymore or that you can’t achieve your dreams

  16. saian June 21, 2011 at 7:11 pm Reply

    hey, I kind of feel the same way you do, (but that doesn’t count, I’m a teenager) so just try weed, it helps SOOOOOOOOOOOO mutch ;)

  17. saian June 21, 2011 at 7:23 pm Reply

    And OMG! your writing is amazing! I keep on reading your webpage over and over, the words you use are just… I don’t know, I just feel all you say is meaningful. You should try to write a book ore something like that. I may just be a teenager, but I clearly see all the potential you have as a writer. You should try fiction. One of my teacher told me once that writing was a key out of my depression, and I tried it. It didn’t change my life, but know I at least have something to do until I get somehow better.

    I know this might not mean anything to you, but I hope you will try it one day, and that it will work for you as it did for me…

    PS (I’m french, so excuse my bad english, I still have things to work on)

    I wish you hapiness

    • petrichoric July 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm Reply

      Well, thank you, Saian. I’m glad that you like my writing. I know that you said you’re a teenager, but I’m hoping that you’re secretly an incredibly influential publisher in disguise who’s going to offer me a book deal? No? Oh well.

    • Rahsun November 26, 2011 at 7:22 pm Reply

      I’m going to do it. I’m sooooo tired. I’m 42 and not doing anything w my life. I played college football at Notre Dame bit never got my degree. Long story short my whole adult life has been hit or miss. I’ve done well financially at an early age and took great care of my family, a few years back I was in this financial sceme I thought was legit went to prison for a year got out now can’t get a job anywhere. I’ve always made good living for my family but now I can’t. My wife no longer respects me and I think she hates me to be honest. She doesn’t remember me having her in a half a million dollar house driving her new vehicles for years. She just tells me I’m a scrub n ain’t worth shit now. It hurts bad bc I already feel bad enough bc I can’t tale care of my responsibilities and as a man it kills me. I think she just broke my elbow by Hitting me w a hard waste can on it. I ayes football ever since I was 6 years old n nothing ever hurt as bad as that can did. It’s killing me right now. More than that it really broke my heart. I’m just tired. I went to one of my best friends funeral today he killed himself. I’m pretty sure about to go do it myself. I GIVE

  18. david November 8, 2011 at 1:12 pm Reply

    im tired exhausted, i want to end things, i just want to go to sleep and never wake up. my wife is suicidal and has made several serious attempts, im worn out trying to care for her. she even tried to run me down tonight when i was trying to stop her doing something stupid. I love her so much but i cant take any more it is destroying me from the inside. I dont want to leave her I just want to die.

  19. david November 8, 2011 at 4:24 pm Reply

    she may not have killed my body but she is destroying me and stupid as i am i still love her and want to care for her, i know nobody wants to hear this and i should shut up but its make a noise or end this life and im frightened i feel so lost sorry to be such a woos

    • worthless lifenow January 19, 2012 at 6:15 pm Reply

      hi david , i m not sure if your wife is on this site to read stories, but maybe it might help for her to read some of them . both of you are suffering like many of us and dont think that your story is boring , no . it could be a challenge of wills to see who can do it first, how would she feel knowing that you may try suicide ? it may help your troubles and see clearer on the subject, or even try it together.
      i love my wife dearly as well as you do to yours, i guess i try to hard and repeatly find failure with simple things with her.
      i ve had a few people die in front of me , i should felt bad but no i didnt, i have also saved a number of clients i was serving in treatments in my daily job. people have said to me they want to die, and i never try to talk them in or out of it , its their choice .

  20. quickdraw January 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm Reply

    Step 1: Stop buying pets
    Step 2: Wait for your current ones to die
    Step 3: Get on out of the country and live your life

    Step 0: Get a new hobby in the meantime, start martial arts classes, start a collection, go meet people and make new friends, anything!

    Message to all of you who are depressed: Go read some psychology books. A brief study of psychology will teach you a few things very quickly: What/how you’re feeling is normal, everyone feels that way at some point, but if you go longer than a few weeks feeling depressed, your brain starts losing its ability to be happy.

    This is called “Clinical Depression”. Clinical depression will make you feel hopeless, useless and suicidal, no matter who you are or what you have in life. The good news is, with therapy (Not drugs, or as little drugs as possible. Drugs don’t fix anything, they mask things) It is completely reversible. You CAN feel good again. I am 24 and spent the first 20-21 years of my life completely depressed, I was socially awkward, made to feel daily by everyone that I was a piece of ****, I thought everyone hated me, I trusted no one, my ex girlfriend of 5 years was abusive and the list goes on.

    When I learned about psychological disorders and treatment, I became my own doctor. Something some of you might be able to do to, but seeking a professional is recommended (look for a CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, NOT A PSYCHIATRIST, one uses real science and proven treatment, the other uses Sigmund Freud bs and is unfortunately more popular and easier to find).

    Today at 24, I am happy, I am social and outgoing and my life has meaning. I’ve hit a rough patch or two along the way, but with my knowledge, I conquer them very quickly because I know just what to do.

    Good Luck

    • petrichoric April 28, 2012 at 11:47 pm Reply

      Thank you for your insight. I will be following your tips because I know that you, at the age of twenty-four, surely have all the answers.

  21. Jaime January 6, 2012 at 8:47 am Reply

    Wow…to find so many others that feel the same is surprising and sad all at the same time. I am a 34 yr old mom of 3, spent 14 miserable years in a lesbian relationship (my ex-partner is the birth mom of our kids) and she continues to this day to bring misery and drama my way. She refuses to pay child support that is court ordered and is constantly ridiculing me. I left her in 2010 and began dating my boyfriend and everything was great in the beginning…like most relationships. Between he and I, we have 6 kids and he worships the ground that his 2 yr old son walks on. The kid is a huge brat and acts perfectly normal with his mom, but knows he can get his way no matter what with my bf, so he throws fits, screams, throws stuff, bites, hits…you name it, he does it and all my bf does is laugh about it cause “its oh so cute”, he thinks! He doesn’t make his kids clean up EVER, but constantly bitches about the things my kids do, even though they help around the house a lot!

    I’m sure many of you are thinking at this point, “then just leave…it’s an open and shut case”…well, we live out in the country, I am a stay-at-home mom with NO CAR, NO JOB and NO WAY to afford an apartment, house, any kind of rental, etc. The ex screwed my credit so I’m STUCK. I have thyroid problems, ovarian problems and no insurance or medication to help with these and I can feel all the time, things aren’t right internally but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself, but it’s like there’s not even a step 1 for me to begin at because I have NOTHING to get me to that 1st step. I am so unhappy it’s unreal and I’m tired of crying all the time and being depressed! Thanks for listening…

  22. worthless lifenow January 18, 2012 at 9:17 am Reply

    test first…….

  23. worthless lifenow January 18, 2012 at 9:44 am Reply

    at one time i had it all, a great life, job, money , and a daily blessing for what i was and what i had. my problems and everyones elses i could solve and loved to help others , regardless of their pasts’ , color , religion, age, etc. i love people , as the world changed up todays ways, i am no longer wanted, sadly . its a cruel world full of evil ways and how we can screw eachother for what they are and have, survivals’ ways it seems. i have no job, no more friends, family has disowned me, and shortly i will be out of money and shelter. although my kindness is still a part of me, the world around has changed. i dont want this treatment anymore, people are so mean to me and get blamed for so many superficual things , and errors that can witness can easily be fixed with one operating braincell, its too easy for me . the government and police and many groups are so corrupt, walletfilled and self centered, i believe in freedom, its dying a little bit more each day, people avoid the truth of it , yet i can voice honestly openly on so many issues. every night when go to sleep , i pray it my last day alive as a human, some prayers never get answered. and everyday i end up hurting myself in different ways,usually physically, for others wrong doings. i want to die , hang me on a cross, stone me, i just want out of this hell, anything is better then here, i ve done all i can do , for myself and mostly for others.

  24. Valentina March 18, 2012 at 10:35 am Reply

    I am still young but I feel so depressed. My mother and father suffered from depression. I have never had any friends and my relationship with my sister and mother is weak. I was bullied all the way through primary school. When I was ten, my abusive father walked out on me for another woman and just said ‘I am more the person I can be without you’. My mother never truly recovered and my sister is still angry. I have never had a good, strong relationship with anyone. I still feel like a child. I feel that I grew up too fast. I know that it’s stupid and selfish to have these thoughts but I can’t help it. I don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to live. I don’t care what happens to me anymore. As a young girl, I thought that I would ‘hang in there’ because things might get better. But they haven’t really. All I am now is an angry, lonely, childish idiot.

    • worthless lifenow May 6, 2012 at 11:04 pm Reply

      hi valentina you are not alone . try to stay away from the negative house you are in now . i m sure you like leaving it more then returning to it, the house wont change , the memories will remain, the situation wont get better , unless you girls support eachother mentally. get along a bit at a time . father is gone , he could be gone for now or forever, you can choose for accept him back in your life as your father only , and some hatred can be at ease and released. or right him off completely and he is just a sperm donor . your choice and your choice only without influence from your sister and mom. the 3 woman bonding is what the current focus is now.

    • Richard May 8, 2012 at 12:51 am Reply

      I understand this completely but from a male perspective. Loneliness has been my shadow forever, even as a small child i didn’t know how to relate to others in a way that was attractive or enticing. Just three years ago, while i was still in school, some people broke into our house while most of us were sleeping. A family friend was staying on the couch where he was shot to death. When we got into the room we found lots of blood and little chunky bits i think turned out to be brain. The image plagued me every time i closed my eyes, especially during times of stress.
      For some reason after that i completely stopped talking altogether, words still have a strange taste when speaking. I have never told anyone this, or the terrible sensory details of that night such as the inexpressible smells. Even as a young man that tries to act tough, this brings tears to my eyes. The trauma help didn’t work, nothing ever will. I want to tell this to people so bad when they look at me and think i’m lesser than them for the way i dress, or some stupid reason, but i can’t! The words just don’t come out. It’s as if i don’t have the strength to form them.
      People over look me all the time and I know it’s selfish to be bothered, and everyone has a story of their own, but it just hurts. I feel all the same desire to get my words out and find companionship as everyone ells. But i’ve been passed over for lively people so often i stopped trying, the loneliness is getting too much to deal with (that’s how i googled about suicide). I don’t know about you Valentina, but most of the others have mentioned marriage without love and long intervals without sex. I have never been in a relationship, never had sex;iI’ve never even kissed a woman before! Again i know it sounds selfish, i hate myself for writing this, but your response got my attention and i’ve been holding this for a while. I know the curse of loneliness and want to end it all… i must apologize for anything i may have misused in this; This is the first time i’ve ever used a blog and it’s a bit of a relief.

      • B.D. June 6, 2012 at 1:03 pm Reply

        It sounds.like.you have ptsd and possibly survivers guilt. I know how you feel. When I was 14 or 15, can’t remember how old I was because I was in and out of conscienciousness a lot, I watched during and after several small children being totured and killed. We all were but I was the oldest and it was in my house and my father was the ring leader. I can still hear those kids screaming and begging me for help, but I couldn’t help them. As far as I know most or all of them died. It haunts me constantly and it effected the way I spoke, dressed and interacted with and around people. I have been bullied and made funof by everyone including my family. But I watched how other people acted and dressed even their facial expressions and I started copying them and imitating actors from tv and people started to respond better to me. I make a major effort to be clean and neat and freindly. It has made a difference. I’m not well yet but better and I also have a pet now so I can talk to him at least and practice my speach. Every once in a while I get suicidal but I ride it out and then ambitions and goals come to mind and then I. Don’t want to die. Try it, maybe it will work for you. By the way, no one has the right to judge you for having a hard time dealing. You are actually reacting normally to an abnormal situation. If you weren’t bothered in a major way by what happened then someone could say there was something wrong with you. Be well my friend : ),

    • jasmin May 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm Reply

      Hi Valentina, Your not a childish idiot. When we are children our parents are our world, universe, gods. What ever our environment we love them, does not matter what is going on at the time it’s just the way it is and we seek our security there. Now here is the problem there are gaps in the ways in which our parents rise, love, us this in where our insecurities, down graded thoughts about ourselves are born. The crazy thing is they are just thoughts they are not you!! please look inside your self, I promise it will be scary at first, but you’ll find a beautiful person inside. You are NOT your circumstances its unfortunate these things have happened. Try and accept them emotionally and believe when you do you can have all the things you want out of life, the reason you hanged in there is because you are strong, and you can change life. Don’t give up of life its amazing even when you think its shit!! Peace be with you. xxx

  25. emily March 24, 2012 at 10:18 pm Reply

    how do i kill myself?

    • worthless lifenow May 6, 2012 at 11:17 pm Reply

      emily need more than just that little comment girl. tell us about your living conditions in house and out etc. depression has many levels .

      • B.D. June 4, 2012 at 9:02 pm Reply

        I think its fine if a person doesn’t want to give a life story. We shouldn’t. Have to abase ourselves anymore than we already have been. So lay off.

        • worthless lifenow October 21, 2012 at 9:41 am Reply

          you lay yourself off Belle , you not a know it all !

          • B.D. October 24, 2012 at 1:03 pm Reply

            Show some rspect to those who r really hurting. Makes me wonder if u come on sites like these for fun when the rest of us r here for relief. Not saying u r, but pressuring ppl. To tell their life story makes it seem that way, just saying.

            • petrichoric October 25, 2012 at 12:17 am Reply

              B.D., I’m getting rather tired of you coming onto my blog and hijacking the comments section. All you ever seem to do is post snarky replies to people you don’t agree with. I don’t find this very helpful. If you continue to leave aggressive or rude comments for people, I will not approve your comments, and I will delete the ones you have made previously. Play nice please.

    • minty May 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm Reply

      I need to know the same…. am feeling so depressed

  26. eleen April 22, 2012 at 6:20 pm Reply

    I thnk the responses within this site are from the USA with regard to language etc. Life can feel and seem bleak and very lonely. I hope there are life affirming moments, however fleeting.
    For me life is without meaning unless I am loved. I am struggling and have been for a number of years.

  27. mike April 25, 2012 at 8:41 am Reply

    You bunch of sad cunts! Sort yourselves out! ISLAM is the answer.

  28. Lisa Lee May 1, 2012 at 10:24 pm Reply

    Oh my gosh so many people feel exactly the same way as I do right now. The only thing keeping me going is my sweet, caring, sensitive 7 year old little boy, Connor. When I read him a book or take him exploring in the woods I truly find a bit of happiness. My mother died when I was 6 years old in a car accident and my world changed for the worst instantly. I was an only child and my father was only 25 when my Mom died and didnt even know how to brush my hair. He worked alot and most nights didnt get home until 8:30. I spent alot of time alone and couldn’t tell anyone I was alone so much because my Dad said I would be taken from him. All I wanted was my mother who loved me more than anything. When I was old enough to find out you could kill yourself thats all I wanted to do was to go be with my Mom. My first suicide attempt was at 14 with a super size bottle of extra strength tylenol. Then when I graduated high school I landed a very good job, moved out of my house and got my own apartment. I was stalked by 2 men who were outside my apartment building when I went to work and when I came home. My friends told me to go back home but I didnt listen. After about 3 months one night they were able to get in the building and broke in my apartment. They raped, sodomized me and one told the other that they had to kill me because they didn’t wear masks. A friend of mine rang my buzzer in the lobby and they had to change their plans and leave. One guy was caught (the one who was going to kill me) and served eight years. When he got out he moved to Springfield, MA and did the exact same thing to another girl, except he stabbed her over 30 times and she died. I have terrible survivors guilt to this day. The girl looked exactly like me and I saw all the horrific pictures at his trial. Today he is serving a double life sentence for cruel and atrocious murder.
    At age 24 I shot myself in the chest. When I woke up at spent almost a month in the ICU. The nurses called me a medical miracle because I missed my heart by 1/4 of an inch but I was still not very happy to be alive.
    I battled both anorexia and bulemia and got down to 82 pounds. I am
    5′ 8. I got better when my ex moved me to Newport Beach California and we had a house right on the boardwalk and I was truly happy riding my bike every day and swimming. When I came back to Connecticut which I consider to be the frozen tundra I once again fell into a terrible depression and slit my throat. I couldn’t believe I woke up the next day.
    At 34 I found out I was pregnant with a little boy and was overjoyed because I was always a tom boy and couldnt wait to be his Mom.
    Now he is 7, is a fantastic kid but I have fallen into a terrible depression again. Maybe some of you could say a prayer for me because my doctor just put me on an anti depressant called Prestique and I am praying it works. At least before I had Connor, suicide was an option. I would never in a million years attempt it again and leave him motherless like I was. Im just so sad most of the time. His father, my fiance just bought a restaurant and I am petrified because with my eating disorder under control, I am so scared it will come back. I want absolutely nothing to do with a restaurant but I want to help him and our family finances because he has 2 sons from a previous marriage and all 3 need to go to college. That over a half million right there.
    I find myself constantly disorganized and unable to make simple decisions. I feel like a parapalegic but my arms and legs work fine. I am consumed with germs and never feel like anything I do is good enough. Getting outside and walking and talking with my Son is the only time I find myself happy but he has to go to school of course. To the school teacher I say that if you have made a difference in a childs life then you are definately going to heaven. I have the utmost respect for teachers because I could never handle a room full of kids lol.
    Also in this terrible depression I try to think of how badly other people are living and try to be grateful for what I have. I say a prayer every night for the homeless people because at least I have a roof over my head. When I watch the news I cry alot at how terrible the world has gotten and when my mind plays tricks on me and tells me there is no God, I remember that everyone in the world has a different DNA and then try to comprehend that only a God could do something so amazing. Thank you everyone for helping me to not feel so alone, especially to the woman who got us all talking. None of us are alone, we just all are clinically depressed and I hope each and every one of you gets better. God Bless! Lisa

  29. Deadbeat Daddy May 2, 2012 at 11:49 pm Reply

    9This is not a cry for help. This is not selfish. This is not childish. I have made lots of shitty decisions that have landed me in a world of pain. Physically, I am in great shape. I am not overweight yet not underfed. I have never known real poverty. My problem is that everyone I love and care for has been hurt or let down so badly and so often that they have all just given up on me. Where I used to see hope in their eyes and words, I now only see disappointment. I expect that people who care for me would know what to say and how to say it. But they never do. I hit my thirtieth birthday last December and I am still jobless and hopeless. I have only ever kept a jobfor 2 years at a time. That was twice. Every other job I have ever had made me so miserable that I just stopped going. Now my resume is fucked l and I cannot get a job anywhere so I have given up. I will leave behind a wonderfully caring wife and a beautiful daughter. I know that they will be able to find someone better to fill my shoes. Its not like I ever really tried to set the bar that high. All my daughter has ever seen me do is lay around and get high and play video games. I have made her feel worthless with my words and bruised her with my hands. The same goes for my wife. I have slapped her and abused her as long as I can remember. I have a huge heart that is unfortunately attatched to my sleeve. I just cannot cope with all the bullshit in this world so I take it out on my loved ones. I have tried to give to others but was either rejected or taken advantage of. People are fucking ruthless. I have researched and found a clean, simple method known as an exit bag. I am making a bag that I can fill with helium that is proven to be painless and easy. I will do it in my favorite park, way deep in the woods where it will take some time to find me. This will be my suicide note as I just don’t have anything usefull to say to anybody. So there it is folks. I am a piece of shit and I deserve to die. If you are too, just google or wiki exit bag. The detailed instructions can be found with a little searching. Don’t judge me, just understand that you are not alone in wanting to no longer exist. And for all the folks with religious affliction, there is no God. Never has been never will be. There is no human soul, only carbon and water and energy, all of which will be put to good use when I am gone.

    • B.D. June 4, 2012 at 9:16 pm Reply

      Ummmm…u have been hurtful to the people that love u. Did u really think things should be easy for u? I’m betting tho that u have a histrionic personality disorder. B4 u quit life try fixing it first. If its impossible after trying everything, than it makes sense to clock out

      • Deadbeatdaddy June 4, 2013 at 4:19 pm Reply

        FUCK you BD and every snarky comment you’ve ever made

        • petrichoric June 4, 2013 at 9:53 pm Reply

          I published this comment today. But I won’t publish any more like this, as I think such comments are hurtful, and don’t help anybody. Feel free to have a spirited debate with another commenter, but I’d prefer if everybody was civil.

  30. Richard May 8, 2012 at 1:00 am Reply

    And I must say Petrichor you seem very to be a very skilled writer, my fingers are crossed for you!

  31. Tina May 11, 2012 at 11:09 pm Reply

    I hate life. I wish I were dead. My husband hates me and just can’t admit it. He hates everything about me. I wish I could hold my breath till I stopped breathing. I also hate feeling this.

    • B.D. June 4, 2012 at 9:58 pm Reply

      I hear u girl, my husband hates me too. I saved his life twice and defended him even when he was wrong. I was very loyal to him and even tho he left me destitude, I have still been faithful. Let me ask u, do u have any friends or loved ones? If u do, try focusing on them and/or keeping really busy doing or finding out what ur good at. Also, try relaxing. Watch shows that are funny u or at least interesting. I mean my parents tortured me until I was 19 years old. My life was a cross between the book “A Child Called It” and the movie “Sybil”. Since then I have been diagnosed with PTSD and borderline personality disorder which is very similar to bipolar disorder but without the mania or known useful meds. I have not been able to hold a job for more than a year and a half in the past 10 years and now I can’t work at all. I also have a disassociation disorder which means I lose time which means I could be driving or talking or sleeping and suddenly in my mind I’m again trapped in that room being tortured. I have been thing how can I end this. I’ve tried meds and therapy and group support, but it hasn’t worked. Still I’m here because sometimes I’m okay even tho I’m sleeping on my sisters couch who is extremely narcisistic I find that there are things that make me happy, even if just for a moment. I recommend googling that term because I’m betting many of the people on this site are dealing with someone that has that problem and there are succesful ways to deal with it.

      • petrichoric June 4, 2012 at 10:18 pm Reply

        Hello, Belle Doucette. Thanks for the post. I’m sorry to hear about your husband and the sleeping arrangements at your sister’s place, but it’s great that you’ve managed to find happiness in small things. That’s all we can really do, I think – just hang on until the next happy moment comes along.

        • B.D. June 6, 2012 at 1:06 pm Reply

          I appreciate ur comment, but prefer it if you didn’t use my full name. I have a sign in like everybody else. Now if someone I know sees the post I could be stigmatised :(

  32. Matthew Welling June 9, 2012 at 11:22 pm Reply

    My name is matthew, I am 27 years old i make minimum wage and have worked this dead end job for 7 years at japan camera. im over qualified to work at mcdonalds or a coffee shop because of my education but cannot get a job i went to school for in my area. Im married no kids my wife expects me to make every meal and bend over backwards for her family. I work 9-5 then when i get home. I get to eat one meal a day if im lucky at 9 or 10pm once completed my labour camp work at home on my wifes familys farm. I am depresed feel extreamly selfish for wanting to take time for myself and have decided to post my story on this page for some stupid reason thinking someone might care. my mother is a drug adict when i was 11 i was raped by a man my father was rooming in my home. he sliped me some kinda drug and asked me if i wanted to take a nap. whe i was 17 my mother in a fit of rage pushed me down a flight of stairs. I then attempted to take my life by sliting my rists fail. i was admiteded into belleville general hospital where i was druged to a point i did not know who or where i was. at 19 i went to college to try to make my family happy. I failed every subject and now am paying the debt back still. at 25 i got married. I have lived with my wife now for two years busting my ass every day without a thanks. I make her dinner and make sure everything is ok before crying myself to sleep. I work every day non stop and eat little so i can make sure i have time to have a shit atleast once a day. I have yet to sleep now for 3 days. I have taken a bottle of asprin hoping it will kill me in my sleep if i wake up today i will hang myself in the barn or jump off a apartment building. i am not by any means a ugly or overweight person infact i am quite attractive. i have just been so abused in my short time here dealing with the almighty and eternal damnation will just be like another day here on earth. for those who care my email is matthewk.wellign@gmail.com feel free to hack it or whatever as i hope to be dead in the next two hours. I would like to say it has been fun but what i can say is 75% of the ppl i know can go fuck them selvs and eat shit and die as I hope your happy. mom thanks for the life you gave me so you could beat me and spit on me every day (shes high now) Dad thanks for never calling or rembering my birthday (and thanks for your rommie raping me after being druged) sis thanks for calling me every name in the book my wifes family. thanks for working me to broken. and to my wife well thanks for nothing you used and abused my kindness thinking a big girl could not be like everyone else. i have cooked and cleaned, bled and cried for you the last 5 years if i could have done it all over again I would have cut deeper when i was 19 and never called 911… and to the world… thanks for nothing.

  33. bernard June 26, 2012 at 10:33 am Reply

    Hi thanks for sharing your story ,Ive tried to end my like twice jumping of a bridge then trying to hang my self ,Ive never been good at DIY and now I find Im not very good at trying to end my life …I was married for 33 years to a wonderful lady but i didnt reliase it at the time …I have friends and family who love me but still want to end my life ..I damaged my body with with my hanging incident and life is a struggle now although I am OK financially …I know my story sounds pathetic and it is ..but if anyone can give me some advice to shake me out of my Doom and gloom it would be appreciated ..Oh by the way I have had an interesting life and some people find me interesting and humereous thats enough for now
    Bernie

  34. Valentina June 28, 2012 at 10:02 am Reply

    All of you are such good people and are all so amazing in different ways. I was on here a couple of months ago, just when I had hit rock bottom and couldn’t go any lower. I made my comment, thinking it would be no use and people spoke to me. They didn’t call me childish as I thought I was, they didn’t call me selfish. I have since made up with my sister and my Mum. I haven’t spoken to my dad in two years, but I don’t think it’s my fault. And I still hit rock bottom every now and again, (today for example) Because bad things happen. I was abused as a child, neglected, bullied, attacked. It’s stuff that I can never get rid of. But I have to find a way to deal with it. Like for example, today, I got up, got dressed, sat on my bed and cried my eyes out for about an hour. I don’t even really need an excuse any more. It still happens but it happens less frequently. And, yeah. I do still think about ending it all, but I know I can’t because I still don’t know what will happen and I won’t until my last breath.

    So sorry if this just not relevent to the site. I just have no one else to talk to.

    Valentina

    • worthless lifenow September 18, 2012 at 6:53 pm Reply

      Hi Valentina, thats a nice name , Its me again from the past comment , ” Worthless” , I did have a fair summer , not it is fall my worst time for depression. Everything came chasing in on me just as I thought my life was in recovery. My mother just died , the only one who helped me and believed in me , my actual blood mother . The family has always treated me like an outsider as I really am . Because of my good nature and a very forgiving soul , it’s a huge open door and welcome mat for abuse and unbelievable blame for anything that happens to them. I cannot even get a minium wage job anywhere. I did have a very well paying job before , in healthcare . I took the wages I needed to survive and gave the rest to people who needed it more than I did. Now I am the one of need, but I will not ask for a hand out ever.

      I owe so much money now , I wish I could just pay it back by working . My health is an issue as well . I’ve had 2 heart attacks and other problems. I just want this life to be over , it’s a prision for me. I attempted suicide many times but failed at that as well. When you don’t belong anymore or in my case never was approved by lifes’ humans and evil ways, you won’t want to stay. My real father turned his back on me even before I was born. If I was younger I would have been a streeter sleeping for my income, too late now. And even still when I’m dead I would love to help others again as I did before in my previous job, this time as a spirit guide. I love people and now I;m not allowed to even talk or look at them . I hurt myself almost everyday with hammer to the head , but I still wake up ,I know my skull has broken I can hear, I just want to die < never want to hurt anyone just myself for being here unwanted and just unused for others evil fun.

      Worthless…

      • Valentina September 19, 2012 at 1:29 am Reply

        Dear, (I cannot call ythless) I love your honesty. It is so hard to find a truthful person. It is wonderful to find a place where I can open, and have people believe me. Keep strong, and remember the good things in your life.

        With all the love I can give,
        Valentina. Xxx (thank you for saying my name is pretty, i always thought it was a bit pretencious!)

    • worthless lifenow September 22, 2012 at 8:54 pm Reply

      You are very welcome Valentina, pretty name as said before, I ‘ve heard of Val ,Valerie, ,Valley and Valentine > sir name.

      Its a very mad world , its too easy to be mad at others it seems for problems in their lives. A pecking order revolving around money and personal pride. I seem to be hated for my true honesty , good hard work and kindness to others. I try to remain positive , although I’m sinking in the quicksand while holding up a house of negativity. I give to others before myself , and a feeling of being not wanted or not belonging here becomes more evident each day , called life on earth > “life in prison” < is a better meaning title . Thank you replying back , I hope I made
      you feel better. Contact me again if you like .

  35. Lesley August 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm Reply

    Im only 18 years old and have had more reasons to want to kill myself than you. You say you’re married and have pets and they all love you. You have a stable job where, if you wanted to, make a difference and help out with a struggling teen. I was raped, beaten, told I was worthless by everyone I thought loved me. I was told I was a freak for my ideals and thoughts. I was ridiculed and tormented throughout school because I went against mundane society’s views on how you are supposed to be. So you feel trapped? Big deal. Try going through some REAL issues. Try working at a fast food place just to be able to have a place to live. You don’t think I want to get out of this town? I do but I need to work, and I don’t have the luxury of having a husband care about me or do things for me. He does things for you, so you complain? You cringe when he hugs you? No wonder he does it in “a begrudging way”. Stop whining. Go hungry for a week because you had to spend what little you earned to go to the hospital. Wake up every morning alone and tired. Remember the pain and humiliation when you were defiled by someone you trusted. Wait, you never had to do any of those things have you? I shot myself, cut my wrists open, and took two dozen antidepressants and still didn’t fucking die. I had a reason to want to end it all. You don’t. You just have to fucking realize you actually have a good life compaired to many others. I realize that I have a better life so I don’t whine anymore. But I would never be like you who doesn’t have any real reason to feel hopeless. 18 and have already seen what the cruelties of the world are….try being me or anyone else like me, then you probably would have blown your head off by now.

    • worthless lifenow September 18, 2012 at 7:22 pm Reply

      Leslie I am a lot older than you , and your story sounds close to my life and for many more decades of it, depression is my friend. I have no family admitting they are connected and have disowned me.

    • B.D. September 23, 2012 at 8:41 pm Reply

      Lesley, hun. I totally understand how u feel. My father has been raping and molesting me since I was 2 years old.my mom never held me ever and recently told me that she never wanted me and gave up on being a mom to me when I was 2. Since then, I’ve been in & out of icu at the hospital over the years because of the beatings and the fact that I. Was just physically to little to handle being raped every day for hours until my father & his friends were to tired to keep doing it. When I was older, I got a brain injury from a fight at school and ended up in a coma. I eventually was released into my father’s care where I found out he was running a child trafficing operation. He at some point must have realized he could make money selling my body instead of just giving it away. For what I can figure, I was trapped. In my room for 9months to a year being gang raped and tortured and watching it happen to little kids much younger and smaller than me. I was drugged and starved and tied down. I was only allowed to get up when these 2 women came to wash me. I am haunted constantly by those thoughts and memeories and emotions. I got diagnosed with PTSD and fell in love with a boy. I told him everything and he asked me to marry him. But when we got married things changed. He beat me & yelled and cheated on me. My siblings have kids. So I told them to be careful around our dad, but to not tell anyone what he did. My sister whom I’ve been very kind & generous to outed me to everyone. I’ve been treated like trash as if I asked for it. I have a live in boyfriend now and even though I listen to him and try to be there in every way I can for him,he never listens to me or seems like he wants to knowthe real me. I really and trully hate life. It really seems to have no purpose. But I’m trying anyway. I’m 27 and I’m finally going for my license. I’m also going back to school and there’s an agency that’s going to help me with a car. The thing is, if the flashbacks and nightmares and blackouts don’t stop or lesson, none of the other stuff is going to matter. Plus, all I really want is to be loved and it just seems hopeless. I don’t know though, Lesley, maybe things will change for u. Afterall, you’re 18. You’ve got years for things to change and improve. You’ve just begun to live.

  36. Merritt anthony corbett August 27, 2012 at 9:21 pm Reply

    I’ve read every single word from every single post. I can honestly say, without knowing anyone, i love you all. With a tear in my eye i love each and everyone of you all. Please do not give up. I want to die as soon as my eyes open from my sleep, but please, please do not give up. You all are beautiful, so beautiful. Im struggling too. contact please if you must contact me here https://www.facebook.com/merritt.corbett
    I love u all more than you all could ever imagine

    • sunil persad September 2, 2012 at 2:36 pm Reply

      i love you and i just want to say i have 1 child an d she is 19 and she went to get a job because her father had just die and she got run over by a bus and i just wanted to go aand meet her back and you just helped me get over it thank you so much i hope you read this and can you plese reply back to me .

  37. Tammy October 2, 2012 at 9:36 pm Reply

    I just googled how to kill youself painlessly as i lie here in my bed and came across your story. I myself dont really want to die but i often think if i ever did how could i do it so it doesnt hurt. Im not one to like pain but really who in their right mind does. Maybe my mind isnt right considering i googled what i googled. I in the past did try a couple of times. I, like you, am not good at life. No matter how many times i try to better myself or try to find happiness i fail. Ive been married 3x. This being my 3rd. I love my husband more than myself. I would do anything to make him happy. For the last few weeks i feel no love from him. He sleeps all day until he has to go to work at about 2 in the afternoon and he works till 9:30. He has always done this. He does not have depression. In my mind hes lazy. Ive started doing daycare from my home because i lost my job. The job i loved. The business sold so i had to go. So now im home. He made a comment that we would spend more time together. Ive noticed we spend less time together. Crazy right? Ive tried waking him up on many occassions so we could visit before he goes to work. He always says i’ll be up in a minute. That just leads to me trying again and again about every half hour up untill the time he leaves for work with no talk except maybe a sorry. Weekends i dont work. We could easily have most of the day together but unfortunately my time is spent cleaning and feeling sorry for myself because i dont feel like i have a husband who loves me. He would rather sleep all day and stay up all night. Im married and have never felt so alone. I would kill myself but i have 5 amazing children. Thats why i dont do it. I cry daily now. My breath is my kids. My breath is the hope that one day my husband will not tell me he loves me but actually show me. The pain that comes from lonliness is close to unbearable.

    I apologize i just used your comment space as a little blog of my own.

    • petrichoric October 2, 2012 at 10:42 pm Reply

      Hello, Tammy.

      Thank you for your comment – and there’s no need to apologize for writing a “little blog of your own” as a comment. I think it’s important to reach out whenever and to whomever when you feel lonely or depressed.

      Well, I don’t really know what to say about the situation with your husband. I am far from being a relationship expert. However, from what you’ve told me, it seems like your husband is taking you for granted. Have you told him how you feel? It doesn’t sound like you have from your comment, but I could be wrong.

      I just got out of an unhappy marriage, and I am really glad to be single. You shouldn’t be with somebody who makes you cry every day. You just shouldn’t. Either he needs to respect you and give you what you need, or you should leave him. But, well, I know that’s easier said than done.

      I wish you all the best, and please feel free to pop back here any time you want!

  38. amyest October 3, 2012 at 11:54 am Reply

    All I wanted to do was die before I read this:( its so sad so many people have these emotional baggage issues that we just can’t seem to shake! I’m going through some pretty rough things right now! I actually am crying writing this because I am going to need to get rid of my furry babies and its eating me alive. My chief who is 4 and I got him because of a miscarrage that I had which is also sad then puff who I saved. From death and starvation they are pitbulls and they love me so unconditonally that I really don’t know how I can do it! But i can’t afford to feed them and now that I’m so depressed I rarely give them attention anymore not to mention I have a two year old and just got out of a 6 year abusive relationship. I hate my life except for that little girl and those 2 dogs but I can’t feed them. I can’t buy them things ahhhh to make them happy and yeah I’m just useless my mother takes care of us all and she is in her 60′s and there is more to us then just us 3 like my sister 40, year old brother and anyother sibling that just. Can’t make it .2 years ago I was one of the happies luckiest blessed person in the world hell even 8 months ago I was doing okay. But now I give up trying it will just lead me to the same path everyone that’s who I am. Now nothing is interesting everything is dark and ugly people even my family I can’t stand the only reason I ended up here is because I want to say fuck it and well yall know the rest! All I can do is hope God sheds some light before I have made up my mind……I wish you all the best and if you have dug down deep and found all the strength inside of you to not give up! I’m sure anyone would be damn proud of that for you! Even the people that you think don’t care……if yall are interested there is way more to my jacked up story of how I got here in this predicamentbut its too much to write on this damn phone in my closet in the dark ! Oh and invest in call of duty that will help some…

  39. Jenny October 7, 2012 at 4:03 pm Reply

    It is so sad that there are so many people out there miserable. I too am one. i have just turned 53 and my husband and i had been living in Japan for four years with his work. we returned in January this year. With his job in a big company when your contract is up you have to apply for other jobs. there was nothing out there in the company and he always was pipped at the post by someone else when he did apply. He was my best friend and we have been married for nearly 29 years. He was confused and lost confidence and we were fighting. he thought we were over so two days before we left Japan permanently he slept with his yoga teacher. I found this out end of April as I accidently discovered emails he had been sending her. She had decided to stop emailing a month earlier as she decided it was wrong. When I discovered this it sent me in to a spin. he was always my rock. he always had high integrity, morals and honesty. These emails blew all this away for me. Now I am confused and still in shock over this. He says he is so ashamed at what he had done but he thought we were through. Understandable I suppose given our argument but no excuse as we were still together. i find it so hard to forgive him and can barely look at him. We are going to councelling but I dont feel it helping. i was on anti depressants for a while but they didnt help and in fact every time I took one I felt resentment that he had put me in this situation. i dont want to be here but I have three children who are going through stressful times as it is with their uni and school work and exams and to throw something like this at them at the moment is not the right time. When is though. After exams, then it is a daughters birthday. then it is christmas. i know it sounds like an excuse but I know that these dates could be ruined forever for them if something dramatic happens at that time. so I will split from my husband at these times if need be but I am so confused and trying to work out the best thing to do for me and my children. typical mum I suppose. I wish I could work out our relationship but I can’t get over it. i just want to die too and is is not the first time I have searched on how to do it. I have got as far as putting one of our sharp knives to my wrist but couldnt go ahead with it as my daughters would have seen me. And I dont want that.

    This bitch works at the [...] in Japan. her name is [...] and I hate her so much.

    • petrichoric October 7, 2012 at 7:54 pm Reply

      Hello, Jenny. I really hope that you and your husband can work things out. You have been together for such a long time, and it seems like you still love each other. I think it’s totally normal for you to feel that your life is out of control and that you want to end it. The old life you’d known for ever has gone…but that doesn’t mean that your new life will be bad. It will just be different. I know this is a cliché but just take one day at a time. The pain will pass little by little. You are always welcome to come on this blog, and leave comments to express how you are feeling. Perhaps that will help?

      By the way, you might want to be careful about leaving comments with the name of the woman your husband slept with, and her place of work. Even though this is just a blog, if somebody typed her name and her place of work into a search engine, this blog would probably appear in the results. I’m not trying to protect her or anything. I’m more concerned about somebody you know finding your comments here. This is why I edited your comment by leaving out her name/place of work.

      • Jenny October 7, 2012 at 8:19 pm Reply

        I appreciate your concern about her name but I know exactly what I am doing and I would prefer it was left in. can you put it back please. I did think about it first and as I have known since April about this it has been carefully considered. I was not shooting from the hip. I have even emailed [...] over this but they said they don’t deal with grievances from past members. I am not concerned about who may see it.

        Thanks for you kind words and thoughts though.

        Jenny

        • petrichoric October 7, 2012 at 8:42 pm Reply

          You are welcome to start your own blog spreading this woman’s name all over the internet, but I am not going to let you do it on here. And it’s not because I’m concerned about this other woman. It’s because I’m concerned about your own privacy. Do you really want your dirty laundry to be aired in front of everybody like this? I actually googled that woman’s name and her place of work, and, within a few seconds, I was able to find a picture of her as the “yoga instructor” and a picture of your husband, Andrew (yes, I even know his name now) as “the yoga student”. You should be concerned that I, a complete stranger, know intimate details about your life, and what your husband looks like. If I wanted to, I could probably find out exactly who you are, and where you live. I am very, very good at internet research. I say this not to frighten you, but to warn you about giving personal details about your life out on the internet.

          Revenge is not sweet, Jenny. It feels good for a moment, but you’ll feel just as shit afterwards.

  40. Jenny October 7, 2012 at 4:40 pm Reply

    I know my story sounds so lame compared to others. there is more to it of course but that is it in a nutshell I suppose. And I know that my life has not been so sad as the stories I have read here. But I am an emotional person. i am honest and a great friend to people and trusting. My husband has just turned my world upside down by his mid life crisis behaviour and I just dont know what to think.

    We have had a rocky 29 years and I tend to start arguments and he just looks at me and says nothing. A couple of days later we are back to normal. then I start another argument and each time my arguments get more and more agressive and stronger with what I am saying. I know it is a wrong approach but It was a way that I was trying to get his attention. It has not worked for 29 years. Silly me.

    • petrichoric October 7, 2012 at 7:58 pm Reply

      Just keep going to the counseling, Jenny. Do you have anybody to talk to besides your counselor? You sound really lonely. You said that your kids are at university. I know you don’t want to worry them but if they’re of university age, they’re young adults, so could you perhaps confide in one of your children? Or if not your children, perhaps a really good friend, or a close relative?

      And I don’t think that your story sounds lame at all. I would be absolutely devastated if my husband did what your husband did. It’s normal that you feel terrible, but you will get better.

  41. rose November 29, 2012 at 11:17 am Reply

    So it’s not just me!phewwwwww

    I cant stand this life, I am trying but it’s hard when I am numb to everything.

    I remember how I once was, potential for more that will never materialise.

  42. luke rodgers December 24, 2012 at 6:03 pm Reply

    hi my name is luke (my real name) i need a partner for the golden gate bridge PLEASE

  43. noname March 8, 2013 at 7:12 pm Reply

    not what i what looking for but oh fuck never mind

  44. the teen March 12, 2013 at 3:05 pm Reply

    i noticed that a comment hasn’t been posted here in a long time- but I just want to vent some stuff. im 13 years old (warning:this is not horrible, or awfull. I still know life is good but I just get sad sometimes) I do great in school by my standards, have a good amount of friends and people who love me, and my life is pretty good. but whatever I do, my mom is always there to screw me over. I just finished being verbally abused by my mother-saying I was a useless fuck back and all sorts of things. my parents are also in a horrible relationship, my dad and I hate her to the bottom of our hearts and they just sit there and argue about the littlest things. so yeah, that’s the story of your average day teenager. im also VERY SORRY to hear your story’s, and I am 100 percent positive things will get better-especially to you petrichoric, because of your loving personality. I read every single one of your story’s and wish you the best of luck god bless you

    • petrichoric March 23, 2013 at 10:10 am Reply

      Thank you, “the teen”. It’s nice to hear somebody say that I’m “loving”, as I often don’t feel that way about myself.

  45. tera April 13, 2013 at 11:37 pm Reply

    How do I get carbon monoxide I just want to end it all. I’m 18 and i realize life is a terrible thing, people everything. Being good I’ll always be fucked so I’m done. Please help me please tell me how to end it how to get the CM I wanna die a quiet painless death.

  46. paramourinwaiting May 4, 2013 at 9:12 am Reply

    Perhaps I’m a bit morbid for liking this post but I love your honesty and there have been times where I goggled such ideas too.

  47. raines80 May 5, 2013 at 9:09 pm Reply

    As I write this I have to keep lifting my left hand because the blood from my wrist is sticking to the desktop. Of course I will not die from this wound, but me not passing is not from the lack of trying.

    Two weeks ago I was a stay at home father. I had a beautiful wife and a terrific two year old son. Two weeks my wife didn’t come home. I thought she might have been in an accident, I thought she might be dead. Nope, she was just tired of me. Three years of marriage and son… and she was just done.

    Fast forward to today. I have been trying everything I know to get her back to me. My resume is plastered over every single job site and I have made some major changes in my life. I finally get her to talk to me and she screams at me to leave her alone. I went to where she was staying and went to my knees and begged. She laughed at me.

    I use to be severely depressed when I was younger. I was diagnosed and they gave me pills, but I never took them. I decided I would work everything out on my own. And I did. I was able to control my depression with knowledge and will. I had a few attacks of it over the years, but I was always able to fight them. I was not able to fight it this evening.

    I realized, shortly after returning from her hotel room, that I have no one and it is my fault. My father passed while I was still in the Army and my mother passed a few years back. I was not around to say good bye to either of them. I have sister, but I have a bad habit of pushing people away and she has fallen victim to that. I have no friends where I live. I have been a stay at home father for the past 2 years and the only two friends I had moved away 6 months ago.

    I am 32 years old, no job, no friends, no wife and no hope. I don’t want my son to grow up being like me. I don’t want him to pick up on my traits. I need a way out. Not just for me.

    • Kelly Smith June 23, 2013 at 10:56 pm Reply

      I wrestle w/ that, what’s worse…. My son seeing a screwed
      up mom raise him? Or dead mom from suicide, huge life impact, but
      you pick ur self up and get on, and then I’m not influencing him
      daily. After a lot of research, and raising him 13 yrs…. It’s
      better I’m screwed up and he knows I am. But talk to adults and
      kids who lost a parent to suicide, and talk to kids or adults w/
      nutty parents,, there’s no comparison, not even w/ the worst
      parenting. Remember the tv show Roseanne? His mom was in a mental
      hospital, he was protective. Our kids need us, that’s probably one
      reason I fight hard enough to comply w/ treatment. Cuz treatment
      gets old. And he won’t be screwed up just cuz you are, and if he
      does have problems, he needs you to be there to say, hey son, I get
      it, and you can do it. Good luck. You have all of it to offer. But
      it sucks and it’s hard.

  48. penguinonsnow May 8, 2013 at 11:56 am Reply

    Prehaps if your interested you may like to read this article on this site that I am interested in: http://www.clarity-of-being.org/how-to-die-peacefully.htm
    It’s ok if your don’t have exactly the same views as the writer but I think there are some interesting thoughts here.

    I kinda feel depressed sometimes (quite often) similarily.. At least not exactly sucidal but still a bit sad. I guess I always felt like something was lacking in my life.

  49. {risheyes May 10, 2013 at 9:23 pm Reply

    “Save Me”

    In the mornings
    I was anxious
    It’s better just to stay in bed
    Didn’t want to fail myself again

    Running through all the options
    And the endings
    Were rolling out in front of me
    But I couldn’t choose a thread to begin

    And I could not love
    Coz I could not love myself
    Never good enough, no
    That was all I’d tell myself
    And I was not well
    But I could not help myself
    I was giving up on living

    In the morning
    You were leaving
    Travelling south again
    And you said you were not unprepared

    And all the dead ends
    And disappointments
    Were fading from your memory
    Ready for that lonely life to end

    And you gave me love
    When I could not love myself
    And you made me turn
    From the way I saw myself
    And you’re patient, love
    And you help me help myself
    And you save me
    And you save me
    Yeah you save me

    • petrichoric May 11, 2013 at 8:17 pm Reply

      Thanks for the Goyte video. I really only know that one song of his (“Somebody that I used to know”) but I liked this one, too, so maybe I should check him out a little more.

  50. Kelly Smith June 23, 2013 at 10:43 pm Reply

    I see this is still being used. So I will put my 2 cents
    in, although I only read the top half of the page. I’m 38, and
    searching out the most competent ways to complete a suicide, b/c
    I’ve been attempting for 20 yrs and failing, and that’s pathetic.
    They were not cries for help, I want to die, and have since I was
    4, writing notes saying I was leaving to go to heaven. Spelling
    horrible of course. Well, addressing the religious view, that’s a
    very personal issue, I asked my pastor, and he directed me to what
    the Bible says is the only unforgivable sin, found in Matthew.
    Although I loved the vs. the lady quoted showing how God put us
    here for a reason, and it really is His decision to take us out…
    I am just too selfish to care right at this moment at time, and I
    believe He will understand… I do keep praying, and I keep taking
    my meds, and that’s prob, y I’m writing this now and not already
    dead. Anyway, I strongly urge people that are wanting to die, like
    I am right now, to try to get on the right medications, I still
    have to change the medicines when they stop working, and when my
    head gets so focused and my actions are putting death in my
    immediate future, I know I’m supposed to check into a hospital….
    It could be a week, or a couple months, but with the med change,
    and a treatment plan u will eventually get better… The sucky
    thing is one day you’ll be worse again, so have a plan in place.
    Even with my plan, the only thing that’s making each second
    bearable right now is knowing that I could end it if I really
    wanted to. But WE ARE A STRONG GROUP u guys! We can bear a lot. And
    if I can just put off killing myself for right now, it gives
    everything another day to get better. Remember this… THIS TOO
    SHALL PASS That counts for the good and bad.

    • Mike November 8, 2013 at 7:27 pm Reply

      Amen!

  51. Mike November 8, 2013 at 7:25 pm Reply

    Suicide is something I think about. I’ve tried it once. Puking up Tylenol capsules really sucks. When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior I felt a lot better about life. Then the novelty of becoming a Christian wore off. . . I’m very irritable and depressed. I’ve tried to change my diet, pray, fast, and nothing seems to be working. BUT I would rather be in heaven with Christ then be in hell with that guy…oh what’s his name. Could it be Satan?! Read the book 23 Minutes in Hell. Eye opener. Satan hates us soooo much and Hell is not going to be pleasurable like many think. I’ve heard many people say, “I will party it up in Hell.” Really. . .really? There’s no partying in Hell! It’s worse than your worse nightmare every flippin day of the rest of eternity. I’m just hoping for a bus to hit me or an asteroid. As long as I ‘m not purposively looking for it. . .Depression can make a person pretty bold too.

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