At the request of Arekino who said recently in a comment that he wanted “closure”, I’ve come back to say goodbye. It’s been eleven months since I last wrote a post for this blog, probably because I just feel that I’ve outgrown it. Also, I associate this blog with sad, depressing times in my life – teaching in that godawful town; getting divorced; painful romantic relationships with unavailable douchebag men etc – and I don’t need to be reminded of that. Ick.
Even the name of the blog “My Petrichor Past” seems to be all about dwelling on what’s already happened, and I would prefer to look towards the future.
It’s likely that I’m going to start a brand new blog elsewhere, so if you’re interested in reading it, leave a comment with your email address, and if we actually had some kind of meaningful bloggy friendship, then I will perhaps send you the details (and, of course, I’ll edit out your contact details before I post your comment).
I said that I’ll “perhaps” email the details of a new blog because I’m not yet sure how I feel about having old readers be part of something new. Of course, part of me definitely wants you to be there, but another part of me wants a brand new start, a clean slate.
Maybe you’re wondering what I’ve been up to in 2014. I wish that I had something of earth shattering importance to tell you, but I don’t. I still have my boring corporate job (although I work from home these days) and, yes, I still do erotic massage on the side (during my lunch break, haha). I have a new dog (which brings the number of my canine companions to three now), and there are currently 15 cats (yes, fucking 15 cats!) living in my house as well (but four are fosters). The good news is that I can’t wait to get rid of these four extra kittens, so, don’t worry, I’m not a hoarder. ;-)
I’m still longing for love, but I’m not anywhere near close to finding it. I was dating somebody for a couple of months recently, but that all went pear-shaped about two weekends ago. And, oh God, the pain! I’ve been extremely depressed – not so much about this particular person, but more because I’ll be 37 soon, and I’m not sure I’m capable of attracting and being attracted to a healthy, emotionally available guy. The good thing about this recent dating failure, though, is that it showed me that I really do want a committed relationship, marriage, stability and kids. I’m way too old for the drama I just experienced, goddammit. Maybe I’ll never have a loving relationship and children, but I at least owe it to myself to associate only with men who are interested in providing those things.
Sometimes I think that I never make any progress in life, but I don’t think that’s true. I think I just need to reassess my idea of “progress”. Small steps have definitely been made in 2014! There will probably always be a part of me that’s attracted to trouble and emotional pain, but there’s an older, wiser part of me now that knows that it just ain’t worth the effort. I’ve even stopped drinking recently, for similar reasons. A few hours of tipsy, uninhibited fun is definitely not worth the next day’s hangover. I can’t say I’ll stay off the booze forever but, right now, it’s just not serving any purpose in my life.
2014 has also seen me develop something of a meditation practice. OK, OK, it’s a kinda half-assed meditation practice (I don’t always manage to mediate every day although I try), but even half-assed meditation helps. I still have obsessive thought patterns but meditation has taught me that I cannot think my way out of obsessive thoughts (you’d think that would be obvious but I was pretty slow on the uptake). For example, my obsessive mind has an infinite loop of “why” questions playing – “why doesn’t he want me?”; “why did things turn out this way” etc etc – and I’ve gotten better at noticing my obsessive thought patterns, and telling myself that they are not helping me. It is far better just to sit my ass down on the meditation cushion, and focus on my breath rather than trying to find answers to questions for which there are no answers.
I’ve developed a similar awareness about my feelings. There are times when I feel desperately alone and hopeless, but feeling that way does not mean it’s reality. Feelings are not facts.
Just as my dating life imploded, I found myself answering an ad in the “musicians” section of Craigslist, and I’m now a singer in a band! Singing is probably the thing that makes me happiest so it’s great to have a creative outlet. I’m so excited about this band although I’m scared that it won’t work out, and that then I’ll have nothing to look forward to. But, for fuck’s sake, if things don’t work out (and this applies to my love life as well as to music), there will always be other options. I’ve found it very hard to remember this during my life. I’ve been somebody who gets so easily discouraged.
If I had to choose one word to sum up 2014, then I would choose “faith”. I’ve become a little less pessimistic, and have developed a little more faith in myself, and the universe. Things will work out one way or the other and, if they don’t, then I’ll survive. I’ve survived so far, haven’t I?