I don’t really know where to start.
So much has happened since I last appeared in the blogosphere (November 2008!) that I get overwhelmed just thinking about what to write. I also wonder for whom I’m writing, and it’s difficult to write when you don’t know who your audience is. Well, at least it is for me. Even when I write in a journal, I find it hard to let myself go entirely because I always imagine a great-grandson, or some other still-to-be-born progeny, finding my journal, years from now, and reading all about my darkest, most embarrassing secrets. Sometimes I even find myself apologizing for my own thoughts and deeds in my journal as if I want to convince posterity that I really wasn’t that bad a person, after all.
It’s a shame, I know, to stop posting in “that other blog”, but far too many people had stumbled across it – either friends who, because I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut about it, were so intrigued that they went searching for it; or even some clients who had found it accidentally or because (big mouth again!) I’d mentioned it during a session. No doubt they went looking for it, assuming that I’d written about them! If only they knew how fucking boring they all are to me, and that I forget about them almost as soon as they’ve stepped through the door, and are walking away down the garden path.
Worst of all, there was always one person, with an IP address from the very place where I live, who had an extreme curiosity for my blog. When I looked at my stats, he/she made an appearance all the time. God knows who they were, but I assume that this person knew me, and it disturbed me to think that they were learning all about the intimate details of my life when I didn’t have the faintest clue as to who they were. I imagined them leaning back from the computer, smiling smugly to themselves because they knew so much about me. Ugh! I’m too much of a control freak to let that sort of thing go on.
I was very naive when I first started blogging about sex work. It never occurred to me that my blog might only be one link away from the blog of a “john” in my own community. On several occasions, I discovered that guys who were posting to other sex worker blogs lived in the same part of the world as I do. They weren’t necessarily active posters on the review board in the city where I work, but they posted frequently on the boards in other nearby cities. It’s amazing that I wasn’t publicly outed ages ago, and I imagine the only reason I wasn’t is because “that other blog” just wasn’t graphic or salacious enough for their tastes. I very rarely wrote about sex work, and instead concentrated on my thoughts and feelings. And, well, of what interest is the mind of a sex worker to a client when he could be reading about pussy instead?!
That last paragraph leads me on to the topic of anonymity. I decided to stop writing in “that other blog” because I was existing in a sort of weird twilight zone of semi-anonymity. I’m writing right now with the intention of informing some of my previous readers about the location of this new blog, but there is also a huge part of me that thinks “ach, fuck the whole lot of you”, and wants to start building a brand new readership all over again, from scratch. Many of my former readers (especially Judith from Vicarious Rising) were/are people I could actually imagine meeting in the “real world”, and it’s kinda weird to write about stuff you don’t want people who know you to read, when there’s a distinct possibility you’ll meet some of your readers. If I ever do meet any of you, I’m not sure I’ll be able to write as freely and openly again, and the idea of that saddens me.
I’ve pretty much decided, I think, to tell some readers of “that other blog” about this new one, even though I have misgivings…Ultimately, even if I cut myself off from you completely, I’ll probably end up making online friendships again, and then I’ll just be back to square one.
I’m sorry this first post was so boring but I guess I needed to write about anonymity and audience to help myself understand how I’m going to deal with those issues this time around. I promise to be more entertaining the next time I post (hopefully tomorrow…).
A couple of little tidbits to keep you coming back for more…You might be interested to know that I am currently training to be a teacher and, oh, yeah, I got married…