I’m sitting at my desk right now, wondering what the fuck to write about. This is quite a disconcerting feeling, and I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s partly, I think, because nobody seems to be reading this blog, and, well, that’s hardly a surprise, as it’s only been in existence for about three days. It makes sense that nobody is out there but, at the same time, it bothers me. As I said yesterday, I miss my old blogging community, and I wonder whether I’ll ever be able to build up a decent readership again. There’s also still no sign of Arekino. Sigh.
I’m also not so sure about having moved over to WordPress from Blogger. Sure, WordPress is more “professional”, but it’s unnecessarily complicated in my opinion (I can’t find any way to change the font from yucky Times New Roman to Ariel…C’mon! That shouldn’t be hard!), and I don’t know how I feel about the background. Coffee Yoghurt says she likes it, and, yes, it is pretty, but I don’t know if this vintage floral thing is really me. I fucking hate floral patterns, and the only reason I don’t entirely hate this one is because it’s not all cutesy and girly. I wouldn’t have chosen it at all for my blog if it weren’t for the fact that it was the only one that suited the name (Petrichor is, by the way, my all time favourite word. It just reminds me of home…). Oh, if only I had the time to learn CSS, so I could make this blog look exactly the way I want it to.
I also worry that I have nothing to write about because, quite simply, I have become a boring person. Of course, lots of new, exciting events have occurred in my life since I last appeared in the blogosphere (getting married was one of them…more about that in a later post) but, ultimately, my life has become quite boring. I started an alternative teacher certification program in January (again, more about this later), and the assignments took up a lot of my time. The program was/is totally crap, and there is only one teacher who hates my guts (the feeling is pretty much mutual). I have spent a great deal of time – too much time – obsessing about this woman’s attitude towards me and whether she will kick me out of the program. Well, she didn’t but she certainly made life very difficult for me.
Whenever Midwestern Man and I would spend any time together all I could talk about was my teaching course. I finally began to realize that this was all I talked about not merely because I was worried about my teaching career, but because I just don’t do anything interesting anymore that would merit discussion. Besides Midwestern Man, I still have no true friends in this town. In my defence, I haven’t become of those pitiful women who neglects their friends to hang out with their man….I just very rarely meet anybody with whom I want to spend more time. As I complained about ad nauseum in “that other blog”, I have found that Americans don’t really go in for deep, meaningful friendships. They keep everything on the surface, and I’m not one who can be bothered to make superficial chit-chat.
Continuing to work as a sensual masseuse has also eaten away at my soul, I think. In this economy, getting a handjob is not exactly the biggest priority for many men, so it has become harder and harder to make ends meet. I haven’t really been checking other sex worker blogs to see if those women are experiencing a similar trend, so I don’t know if I’m the only one who’s struggling. To be honest, I’ve never really attracted a lot of clients because (1) I barely advertize at all (no websites for me, not even any pictures) in an attempt to be as anonymous as possible and (2) I only offer a “happy ending” with no extras. The truth of the matter is that most men are looking for more. What I offer is great conversation, a genuinely sensual time (I never rush) and a sincere curiosity about my clients and their lives. I have found that I’m a hit with men who maybe haven’t been around a woman for a long time and just miss female company, and female touch, but if someone is looking for me to be some kind of sex bomb fantasy figure, then they will be sorely disappointed.
I’ve let myself get into a very lazy routine as far as massage is concerned. You know, I don’t hate it, but I do hate doing it full-time, and I’m badly in need of a change. As a result, I hardly wake up every morning with a spring in my step (or should that be wrist?! Ha ha!). I have been putting off starting work for as long as possible, sometimes not even getting round to working until the evening. This would be OK if I was spending the time before work being productive but instead I’ve just been sitting around, looking at pointless crap on the internet and thinking guiltily to myself “Hmmm, really should be thinking about starting work now”. I never get anything done, so last week I decided that a change must come!
I have decided to start work at noon and finish at 6:00 p.m. If a guy gives me advance notice that he wants an earlier or later session, then okay, I’ll see what I can do, but, otherwise, the hours before noon and after 6:00 p.m. are mine! I also need to take more days off per week, as I had started to “work” (in a half-assed way) every single fucking day. It’s very possible that I will starve to death by having such limited work hours but, you know what, if that happens, well, I’ll just take it as a sign that the universe doesn’t want me to do massage anymore.
I’m excited about my new, more disciplined, lifestyle. I’m excited to be back blogging (even if nobody is reading)!
I think everything just might be OK!