I have become a boring person

I’m sitting at my desk right now, wondering what the fuck to write about. This is quite a disconcerting feeling, and I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s partly, I think, because nobody seems to be reading this blog, and, well, that’s hardly a surprise, as it’s only been in existence for about three days. It makes sense that nobody is out there but, at the same time, it bothers me. As I said yesterday, I miss my old blogging community, and I wonder whether I’ll ever be able to build up a decent readership again. There’s also still no sign of Arekino. Sigh.

I’m also not so sure about having moved over to WordPress from Blogger. Sure, WordPress is more “professional”, but it’s unnecessarily complicated in my opinion (I can’t find any way to change the font from yucky Times New Roman to Ariel…C’mon! That shouldn’t be hard!), and I don’t know how I feel about the background. Coffee Yoghurt says she likes it, and, yes, it is pretty, but I don’t know if this vintage floral thing is really me. I fucking hate floral patterns, and the only reason I don’t entirely hate this one is because it’s not all cutesy and girly. I wouldn’t have chosen it at all for my blog if it weren’t for the fact that it was the only one that suited the name (Petrichor is, by the way, my all time favourite word. It just reminds me of home…). Oh, if only I had the time to learn CSS, so I could make this blog look exactly the way I want it to.

I also worry that I have nothing to write about because, quite simply, I have become a boring person. Of course, lots of new, exciting events have occurred in my life since I last appeared in the blogosphere (getting married was one of them…more about that in a later post) but, ultimately, my life has become quite boring. I started an alternative teacher certification program in January (again, more about this later), and the assignments took up a lot of my time. The program was/is totally crap, and there is only one teacher who hates my guts (the feeling is pretty much mutual). I have spent a great deal of time – too much time – obsessing about this woman’s attitude towards me and whether she will kick me out of the program. Well, she didn’t but she certainly made life very difficult for me.

Whenever Midwestern Man and I would spend any time together all I could talk about was my teaching course. I finally began to realize that this was all I talked about not merely because I was worried about my teaching career, but because I just don’t do anything interesting anymore that would merit discussion. Besides Midwestern Man, I still have no true friends in this town. In my defence, I haven’t become of those pitiful women who neglects their friends to hang out with their man….I just very rarely meet anybody with whom I want to spend more time. As I complained about ad nauseum in “that other blog”, I have found that Americans don’t really go in for deep, meaningful friendships. They keep everything on the surface, and I’m not one who can be bothered to make superficial chit-chat.

Continuing to work as a sensual masseuse has also eaten away at my soul, I think. In this economy, getting a handjob is not exactly the biggest priority for many men, so it has become harder and harder to make ends meet. I haven’t really been checking other sex worker blogs to see if those women are experiencing a similar trend, so I don’t know if I’m the only one who’s struggling. To be honest, I’ve never really attracted a lot of clients because (1) I barely advertize at all (no websites for me, not even any pictures) in an attempt to be as anonymous as possible and (2) I only offer a “happy ending” with no extras. The truth of the matter is that most men are looking for more. What I offer is great conversation, a genuinely sensual time (I never rush) and a sincere curiosity about my clients and their lives. I have found that I’m a hit with men who maybe haven’t been around a woman for a long time and just miss female company, and female touch, but if someone is looking for me to be some kind of sex bomb fantasy figure, then they will be sorely disappointed.

I’ve let myself get into a very lazy routine as far as massage is concerned. You know, I don’t hate it, but I do hate doing it full-time, and I’m badly in need of a change. As a result, I hardly wake up every morning with a spring in my step (or should that be wrist?! Ha ha!). I have been putting off starting work for as long as possible, sometimes not even getting round to working until the evening. This would be OK if I was spending the time before work being productive but instead I’ve just been sitting around, looking at pointless crap on the internet and thinking guiltily to myself “Hmmm, really should be thinking about starting work now”. I never get anything done, so last week I decided that a change must come!

I have decided to start work at noon and finish at 6:00 p.m. If a guy gives me advance notice that he wants an earlier or later session, then okay, I’ll see what I can do, but, otherwise, the hours before noon and after 6:00 p.m. are mine! I also need to take more days off per week, as I had started to “work” (in a half-assed way) every single fucking day. It’s very possible that I will starve to death by having such limited work hours but, you know what, if that happens, well, I’ll just take it as a sign that the universe doesn’t want me to do massage anymore.

I’m excited about my new, more disciplined, lifestyle. I’m excited to be back blogging (even if nobody is reading)!

I think everything just might be OK!


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14 thoughts on “I have become a boring person

  1. justme September 1, 2009 at 12:41 pm Reply

    Hey there, its GREAT to see you back! And you could never be boring, you are such a good writer. In a rush right now, but will be back. x

    • petrichoric September 1, 2009 at 2:02 pm Reply

      Hello, Justme! I’m glad to see that you are back, too – from your holidays, that is. I attempted to leave a comment over at your blog, but something weird happened, so it disappeared. I haven’t got used to leaving comments as a WordPress user yet.

      It’s also great to see you over here, too. As I said in this post, it’s been very sad and lonely without all of my old readers. 😦

  2. Donna Leonard September 1, 2009 at 12:55 pm Reply

    Hey! I am reading your blog–I am going down the blogroll list on nablopomo and came across yours. First, I like the look of your blog. I like green in many of its shades. Second–I learned a new word-“petrichor” and found that it is one of my favorite scents! I also like the scent right before it is about to rain. Is there a word for that? Also, we have something in common–sort of–I went to school for massage therapy and got my 100 hour requirement to get my license as a massage technician. I have more hours than that but need even more to get a massage therapist license for this county. Right now California doesn’t have any set standards for that–it varies not only by county but by city, so it can be frustrating. I’ve somewhat given it up for a while. Have you tired doing hot stone therapy? Maybe if you only did regular massage with the extras being aroma therapy, hot stone, lymphatic massage, acupressure, etc. you could advertise and get more clients? Or do you find you would make more with the happy endings? Personally, I like using the hot stones–they loosen up the muscles more and I don’t have to use nearly as much personal effort.
    Keep up the good blogging!

    • petrichoric September 1, 2009 at 2:24 pm Reply

      Hi, Donna! Yes, isn’t “petrichor” such an amazing word?! I have yet to come across a word that means “the scent before it’s about to rain”, but you should make one up (“petrichor” is a neologism after all…coined in 1964).

      As regards massage, no, I don’t foresee myself going to massage school. If I were going to become a licensed alternative health professional, I would study to be a herbalist, as I find this kind of thing fascinating. I enjoy talking to people, and finding out about their lives, so working as a herbalist, where I’d have to get people to open up about their symptoms, life, habits etc., would appeal to me. If I were a real massage therapist, I’d probably die of boredom because I would never be allowed to talk as much as I do!

      Also, in this town, massage therapists are a dime-a-dozen, so I think it would be hard to make any money. At one point, there used to be a licensed massage therapist here in town who worked only as an erotic masseuse. The clients loved her because she was able to give deep-tissue massages. She started doing “happy ending” massage because she could just make more money that way. I think she earned $120,000 one year!

  3. Daisy September 1, 2009 at 3:59 pm Reply

    Hello – I’m glad I found your blog – it’s a great name and you write well and honestly – and the green is refreshing. Keep at it, starting again is really hard but you’ll build up again and the outles itself is good to have – even if you’re feeling boring, I totally feel your pain, but you’re not coming across as boring – courage!

    • petrichoric September 1, 2009 at 6:24 pm Reply

      Hello, Daisy. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I’ll certainly be adding your blog to my blogroll, as I was impressed by your writing!

  4. Angie September 1, 2009 at 5:36 pm Reply

    hey girl, it’s angie from your old blog! i don’t think you remember me, since you had SO MANY admirers 😉
    i think i was angiewarhol on le blogspot. but glad to know you’re still writing. and congrats on getting married, welcome to the boring women’s club! i am a part of it as well.

    i totally understand what you’re talking about when you say americans don’t go for deep relationships. it’s true, many of them like to just have people they can party with but don’t share too much of themselves. we just bought a loft in the arts district of downtown los angeles and have stumbled into an instant social circle. but it’s all on the surface, it’s sad. i wrote about not having a social circle and how my husband and our two cats have become my “core group.”

    but don’t lose hope, you will find some people that are into deeper friendships.

    hope to hear more from you soon!

    all the best,

    (or as the japanese place by my job likes to write my name, “enji!”)

    • petrichoric September 1, 2009 at 6:36 pm Reply

      Hello, Angie. Ooh, will you be upset if I tell you that I only remember your name, and not many details?! I googled your name “Angie Warhol” (presumably not your real name) and found a blog that hasn’t been updated since 2004. Was that you? Kinda impressed, though, about having had a blog since 2004!

      So, you’re not American, then? Tell me more! I’ll never remember if I don’t have details!

      • Angie September 3, 2009 at 5:29 pm Reply

        hi, i don’t think the blog you found is mine! i have mine through livejournal.com and i started it in 2002. i changed my name and moved on to another handle on the same site. i don’t mind that you don’t remember me, i came a little late into the game and i wasn’t much of a commenter anyway. but i enjoyed your perspective and you have great style.

        ack, i think i may have misled you, but i AM american, mexican-american to be exact. i sometimes don’t subscribe to the whole WASP-y hide your feelings, keep it all on the surface sort of thing. of course, when i come across people that are all about surface and partying, i am friendly but keep my distance. like David Bowie says, “i know when to go out… i know when to stay in…”

        and don’t get me started on the whole “live to work” mentality! my husband is totally all about that and i’m the opposite. i work to make enough money to enjoy my life with my friends and family. i gues that’s why i’ve never been good at saving! 😉

  5. williamx September 2, 2009 at 2:17 am Reply

    I thought petrichor was the blood of the gods and only just a few seconds ago did I learn that it was in fact the scent of morning rain in lush wilds, how weird is that? And wikipedia informs me that it is the scent of rain on dry earth. My actual dictionary fails to produce the word which annoys me greatly. I swear I almost want to throw it away but no, it does have alot of other words . . .
    I liked it better when I associated your writings with the blood of gods but at least it was a short lived delusion eh? And it is a very evocative sounding word, seeming to me a bit sinister, which, of course, wouldn’t really be you at all. Evocative yes but sinister no.
    I want to meditate on friendship a moment and wonder what is a deep and meaningful friendship? How do they come into being? It’s like asking how do you fall in love because it seems the two are aspects of emotional and physical connection. I personally have a string of ex’s, a hook-up. a small number of close friends geographically present, a large number of close friends geographically absent, a huge number of people I hang out with . . . and then there are my ‘internet friends’ which exist in a category all to themselves. Those close friends I have took years to develop from widely disparate origins. I don’t know how I’d do if I were suddenly elsewhere and had to start up anew. It would suck but I think I’d have to spend years again hanging out and doing shit and getting to know people before I would be able to have ‘close’ deep and meaningful friendships like I enjoy now. But maybe deep and meaningful friendships come out of a lot of superficial hanging out and doing shit.
    Please don’t get the idea I am tryiing to tell anyone, especially you (hah, what do I call you, petrichor, SMcW, girl with weird green blog?) how to go about making friends. It’s just I have never had a problem doing that but one of the key reasons I don’t leave PDX in search of real employment, excitement, adventure, love and a glorious death, is that all my friends are here and making new ones is hard work. There’s also the erosion of community and ‘realspace’ connectivity but I’ve droned on too long.

  6. petrichoric September 2, 2009 at 9:07 am Reply

    As regards friendship, Williamx, well, of course I don’t just expect to move somewhere and have a crowd of close friends straight away. I realize that it takes time to build friendship. However, the problem with where I live now is that I very rarely meet people I am interested in getting to know better in the hope that we could be good friends down the line. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the place I’m living, or the people who live here, but this place is just not for me really. I’ve lived in several different countries, and cities, and I’ve never had the same experience with lack of friendships as I do now.

    Also, it has crossed my mind that maybe I’m going about making friendships the wrong way. It occurred to me, as you said, that maybe I just need to get used to making superficial chit-chat with people and just hanging out so that more meaningful connections can develop over time. I’ve tried this, though, and it didn’t work because, ultimately, people who choose to talk about surface shit are just not going to be my kind of people. Even if 12 months down the line they suddenly blossom into deep and meaningful conversationalists, I really can’t be bothered waiting around for that to happen.

    I’m an honest person…I’m upfront, I’m direct, and I want to have real conversations and if someone isn’t capable of being the same way or wanting the same things, it seems silly to try to cultivate a friendship with that person.

    As regards “blood of the gods”, well, you weren’t really far wrong, as “ichor” does mean exactly that. “Petrichor” was a word coined in 1964, I think, by two scientists who wanted to find a term to describe the smell of rain on dry earth.

  7. petrichoric September 5, 2009 at 12:09 pm Reply

    Angie, actually I DO remember you, as I think you mentioned one time on my blog that you were Mexican-American. Besides Jenny DeMilo (http://jennydemilo.blogspot.com) you were the only person I’m aware of who “outed” themselves as Mexican American (but maybe, in reality, I have hoardes of Mexican American readers!).

    Did you also have a short-lived food blog as well? Or am I confusing you with somebody else now?

    Yes, the WASP way of viewing the world is very strange, and I don’t really get it. I blogged about this on the old blog, so I don’t mean to repeat myself, but I don’t feel I have very much in common with many white Americans, even though I am white myself. The only person I’ve befriended in recent months also happened to be Mexican-American, and that’s really not a surprise. Obviously you can’t generalize totally, but I have found that many “hyphenated Americans” lack the obnoxious sense of entitlement that many white Americans do.

    • Angie September 5, 2009 at 12:18 pm Reply

      i DO have a short-lived food blog, hee hee! i’ve just been so broke lately i haven’t had a chance to update it and really go out and sample some cuisine. but we are going up to Napa, CA in October for our one year wedding anniversary so i will be eating many lovely foods then, yay!

      there’s a saying in Mexico that roughly translates into “respect for what is not yours ensures peace through the ages.” my mom raised me with that sentiment, that stuff that is not mine i shouldn’t mess with, simply cos it isn’t mine. americans usually trash what is not theirs cos it’s all about guard your shit but trash everything else. and i get what you mean about that whole entitlement shit, i hate that! i have been trying to instill some of my own philosophy to my american husband and he has been very good abotu seeing my side of things and trying to adapt.

      good going for finding a latino to hang out with! don’t mean to toot my own horn, but we are respectful, loyal, hard-working people that will go the extra mile for friends and family. i guess it’s the collectivist culture mindset 😉

      • petrichoric September 5, 2009 at 2:55 pm Reply

        See, I did remember you! Do you have any plans to start a new blog at any point?

        Yes, it does appear that Mexican-Americans often have better values than their anglo counterparts.

        I really like the warmth of Mexican-American culture and the fact that it’s so family-centric. On the other hand, I am probably far much more of an individualist than many Mexican-Americans appear to be. As much as I admire the bond they often have with their families, I couldn’t imagine going home to visit my family all the time, or not moving too far away from my family. On the other hand, I definitely have a greater sense of community than some white Americans do. So many people here are out for themselves the whole time, and I hate that.

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