Midwestern Man didn’t have to go into work early today because it’s Labor Day, so we laid in bed together for a while, cuddling. It was nice, I suppose, but I actually wish he would just have left the house by 7:30 a.m., as he does usually, so I could have been alone.
I felt smothered by his kisses and affection, and his obvious desire to have sex.
I daresay I can’t really blame him, as I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. Probably about three weeks ago. And the second last time was probably two or three weeks before that. When we did have sex these times, I only did it out of a sense of obligation and guilt, and not because of genuine desire.
The idea of having sex actually quite repulses me. I just don’t want to do it. It requires too much of me, both physically and emotionally.
If it weren’t so disturbing, it would be quite funny really! Who’s ever heard of a sex worker with no sex drive?! Maybe there’s a coven of betrayed wives somewhere, sitting around a cauldron and stirring it gleefully, who cast a spell of frigidity on me in revenge for having given their husbands a handjob.
The irony is that I have to listen to so many men tell me that they come to see me because their wives no longer sleep with them when I’m now just exactly like their wives! Who knows why these women don’t want to have sex with their husbands. I’ve listened to these men, without passing judgement on what they’re telling me, but I’ve always wondered what the wife’s side to the story would be. It’s probably true that she doesn’t want to have sex, or is withholding sex, but the question is…why? I seriously doubt that the men are all poor, hard-done by innocents who are married to selfish bitches.
In Midwestern Man’s case, however, I really would say that the blame lies with me. In all my previous relationships, it was (mainly) me who gave, gave, gave – normally, of course, to men who didn’t want me, weren’t appreciative of my giving, or who were emotionally distant. Now, for the first time in my life, I find myself in a relationship where I take all the time. I know I’m doing it, yet I can’t seem to stop. I know it’s unfair, but even if looked deep in my heart for it, I don’t know if I’d find anything left to give. I’m spent. Emotionally exhausted. I’ve spent the whole of today lying in bed. Happy fucking Labor Day.
There are several hypotheses which could explain why I no longer have a sex drive. It’s hard to know which is the correct one…perhaps there’s a nugget of truth to every one:
(1) Radical feminists everywhere are probably screaming “Selling yourself to strangers has destroyed your ability to feel normal desire for your husband!”. This is the one hypothesis Midwestern Man bring up from time to time, and it’s hard to know what to say. Maybe it’s true; maybe it’s not – there’s really no way of knowing for sure.
(2) Midwestern Man is a (fairly) normal and healthy man who actually loves me, so perhaps I just have a hard time dealing with genuine intimacy. I never had a problem having sex in the past but that was probably because I spent years of my life chasing unavailable men; when we did have sex it was “safe” and “non-threatening” because there was never really any chance of genuine intimacy occurring. Now that I’ve finally got a caring and affectionate man, I don’t know what the fuck to do with him.
(3) Perhaps I’m not as attracted to Midwestern Man as I could be. Now, don’t get me wrong…Midwestern Man is a devilishly handsome specimen – gorgeous big, brown eyes; dark, curly hair; sensusous lips – but I’m the dominant one in the relationship. Midwestern Man tends to be passive, bordering on passive-aggressive sometimes. Instead of letting me know what his needs are, he somehow expects me to know, and then gets all moody and blaming when I inevitably fail to realize them. In the past I was always attracted to dominant, alpha males until I met Midwestern Man and he won my heart with his gentleness and sweet nature. I do love these qualities about him, but is it possible that I just don’t find them very sexy? Is it possible that I’m still an immature little girl who only gets turned on by bad boys? Friction is also caused by his lack of focus in terms of his career (although erotic masseuses who live in glass houses really shouldn’t throw stones). He wants to write graphic novels for a living – and he is really talented – but I just don’t know if he’ll ever do it. He wastes so much time, and never seems to get anything done. For someone who has wanted to become a graphc novelist for the last twelve years at least, it’s strange, and disconcerting, that he has never finished anything. He works in a café, and he’s always broke, and I’m worried that this will never change…
(4) I’m really fucking tired, broke, depressed and stressed. My libido pretty much disappeared as soon as I moved to the US and entered my disastrous PhD program. Since then, many thousands of miles from home, my life has lacked purpose and direction. I thought that applying to a teacher certification program would be the answer but, well, that didn’t work out too well, did it? I’m still going to attempt to be a teacher, but it doesn’t seem like I’ll have a job, and be settled, any time soon. I’m sick of it. I just want to know what’s happening next, and be able to take care of my basic needs, and to have money so I’m not living such a precarious existence.
Well, whatever has caused my lack of libido, I know I need to start fucking Midwestern Man soon. Who could blame him if he got so frustrated that he cheated on me?, and our relationship could never recover from that. But sometimes I think I wouldn’t really care if he did sleep with somebody else…