Did you hear the one about the sex worker with no sex drive?

Midwestern Man didn’t have to go into work early today because it’s Labor Day, so we laid in bed together for a while, cuddling. It was nice, I suppose, but I actually wish he would just have left the house by 7:30 a.m., as he does usually, so I could have been alone.

I felt smothered by his kisses and affection, and his obvious desire to have sex.

I daresay I can’t really blame him, as I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. Probably about three weeks ago. And the second last time was probably two or three weeks before that. When we did have sex these times, I only did it out of a sense of obligation and guilt, and not because of genuine desire.

The idea of having sex actually quite repulses me. I just don’t want to do it. It requires too much of me, both physically and emotionally.

If it weren’t so disturbing, it would be quite funny really! Who’s ever heard of a sex worker with no sex drive?! Maybe there’s a coven of betrayed wives somewhere, sitting around a cauldron and stirring it gleefully, who cast a spell of frigidity on me in revenge for having given their husbands a handjob.

The irony is that I have to listen to so many men tell me that they come to see me because their wives no longer sleep with them when I’m now just exactly like their wives! Who knows why these women don’t want to have sex with their husbands. I’ve listened to these men, without passing judgement on what they’re telling me, but I’ve always wondered what the wife’s side to the story would be. It’s probably true that she doesn’t want to have sex, or is withholding sex, but the question is…why? I seriously doubt that the men are all poor, hard-done by innocents who are married to selfish bitches.

In Midwestern Man’s case, however, I really would say that the blame lies with me. In all my previous relationships, it was (mainly) me who gave, gave, gave – normally, of course, to men who didn’t want me, weren’t appreciative of my giving, or who were emotionally distant. Now, for the first time in my life, I find myself in a relationship where I take all the time. I know I’m doing it, yet I can’t seem to stop. I know it’s unfair, but even if looked deep in my heart for it, I don’t know if I’d find anything left to give. I’m spent. Emotionally exhausted. I’ve spent the whole of today lying in bed. Happy fucking Labor Day.

There are several hypotheses which could explain why I no longer have a sex drive. It’s hard to know which is the correct one…perhaps there’s a nugget of truth to every one:

(1) Radical feminists everywhere are probably screaming “Selling yourself to strangers has destroyed your ability to feel normal desire for your husband!”. This is the one hypothesis Midwestern Man bring up from time to time, and it’s hard to know what to say. Maybe it’s true; maybe it’s not – there’s really no way of knowing for sure.

(2) Midwestern Man is a (fairly) normal and healthy man who actually loves me, so perhaps I just have a hard time dealing with genuine intimacy. I never had a problem having sex in the past but that was probably because I spent years of my life chasing unavailable men; when we did have sex it was “safe” and “non-threatening” because there was never really any chance of genuine intimacy occurring. Now that I’ve finally got a caring and affectionate man, I don’t know what the fuck to do with him.

(3) Perhaps I’m not as attracted to Midwestern Man as I could be. Now, don’t get me wrong…Midwestern Man is a devilishly handsome specimen – gorgeous big, brown eyes; dark, curly hair; sensusous lips – but I’m the dominant one in the relationship. Midwestern Man tends to be passive, bordering on passive-aggressive sometimes. Instead of letting me know what his needs are, he somehow expects me to know, and then gets all moody and blaming when I inevitably fail to realize them. In the past I was always attracted to dominant, alpha males until I met Midwestern Man and he won my heart with his gentleness and sweet nature. I do love these qualities about him, but is it possible that I just don’t find them very sexy? Is it possible that I’m still an immature little girl who only gets turned on by bad boys? Friction is also caused by his lack of focus in terms of his career (although erotic masseuses who live in glass houses really shouldn’t throw stones). He wants to write graphic novels for a living – and he is really talented – but I just don’t know if he’ll ever do it. He wastes so much time, and never seems to get anything done. For someone who has wanted to become a graphc novelist for the last twelve years at least, it’s strange, and disconcerting, that he has never finished anything. He works in a café, and he’s always broke, and I’m worried that this will never change…

(4) I’m really fucking tired, broke, depressed and stressed. My libido pretty much disappeared as soon as I moved to the US and entered my disastrous PhD program. Since then, many thousands of miles from home, my life has lacked purpose and direction. I thought that applying to a teacher certification program would be the answer but, well, that didn’t work out too well, did it? I’m still going to attempt to be a teacher, but it doesn’t seem like I’ll have a job, and be settled, any time soon. I’m sick of it. I just want to know what’s happening next, and be able to take care of my basic needs, and to have money so I’m not living such a precarious existence.

Well, whatever has caused my lack of libido, I know I need to start fucking Midwestern Man soon. Who could blame him if he got so frustrated that he cheated on me?, and our relationship could never recover from that. But sometimes I think I wouldn’t really care if he did sleep with somebody else…


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14 thoughts on “Did you hear the one about the sex worker with no sex drive?

  1. stephenpaterson September 7, 2009 at 6:30 pm Reply

    But this is terrible? Fear not, I shall summon harlets from all four corners of the spherical globe to come sort thee out.

    Not promising they’ll take a blind bit of notice, mind.

    • petrichoric September 9, 2009 at 8:01 pm Reply

      Hello, Stephen. I’m not too sure that your harlots could do much good unless one of them wanted to be my lover for a while…I’ve never had sex with a woman before, and that’s one of my biggest regrets.

  2. Caroline September 8, 2009 at 1:36 am Reply

    Yep, Stephen sent me!

    “In all my previous relationships, it was (mainly) me who gave, gave, gave – normally, of course, to men who didn’t want me, weren’t appreciative of my giving, or who were emotionally distant.”

    – Damn, that resonated with me. And personally, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if #4 was the main problem.

    Sorry you’re having a bad time.

    • petrichoric September 9, 2009 at 8:06 pm Reply

      Yes, #4 is probably the root of the problem.

      Sadly, a lot of women have been conditioned to be the “givers” in relationships although this isn’t how it is for me at the moment. My husband is definitely the one who tries the hardest. I know he is, and yet I find it so hard to give him anything back. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting my revenge on men by doing that….Who knows.

  3. Amanda September 8, 2009 at 7:00 am Reply

    Speaking from experience, I’d go for option 3.

    I have no idea how to fix that, so I’ll send you a transatlantic hug instead.

    • petrichoric September 9, 2009 at 8:10 pm Reply

      Hi, Amanda. Wow! I can’t believe that you take your clothes off in the Highlands. You must have permanent frost bite. Before leaving for the US, I went on a trip to Cape Wrath, and it was so gorgeous. The locals weren’t very engaging, though! They were a wee bit door, or at least I thought so. Lovely accent, though.

      Thanks for the hug!

  4. Terry September 8, 2009 at 5:28 pm Reply

    There is this “safe” and “non-threatening” that is why we are not so attracted to our fine specimens. We don’t have to do the chasing, we are loved, no emotional yo-yo. Not as exciting as a guy who runs around, isn’t available, breaks our heart and comes back.

    Since I ponder the same questions with the same list of whys…I found that just doing it sometimes helps. Masturbation alone increases my libido a bit. Masturbating along side him and helped by him increases it much more.

    I have the same issues and my boyfriend thinks that it’s too much trouble getting me aroused. It’s not easy enough. That’s another story.

    I feel for you. It isn’t the easiest of situations.

    • petrichoric September 9, 2009 at 8:14 pm Reply

      Yes, you are right. Guys who are unavailable are so exciting. I know it’s unhealthy to be attracted to them, but if you see an aloof guy, you’ll find me right behind him, desperately trying to get his attention. The one benefit of growing older is that I do know my patterns now, and that helps me avoid unhealthy men. My husband was never aloof or distant, so at least I managed to break the pattern with him.

  5. williamx September 9, 2009 at 3:40 pm Reply

    You know, it is almost certainly a combination of all the above, plus a thing or three lurking in the background. I personally can attest to the damage that stress, financial poverty and career listlessness can demolish a sex drive. ha, *sob* I am never going to get laid again . . .

  6. petrichoric September 9, 2009 at 8:15 pm Reply

    Oh, you will get laid, William! Every time you commented on my last blog, you had some new “friends with benefit” situation on the go!

  7. Judith September 10, 2009 at 8:52 pm Reply

    I vote for #4. When you feel yourself (whatever that is, right?), you’ll probably be more in the mood.

    There’s probably elements of the other 3 in the mix, but I’ve found when I haven’t got myself together, everything outside of me is colored wrong too.

    • petrichoric September 11, 2009 at 12:35 am Reply

      Yes, I think you’re right. Deep-down, I’m a pretty passionate, sexual person, and I do think I’ll return to that stage eventually…when I’m not so tired and stressed.

  8. coffee yogurt September 10, 2009 at 10:01 pm Reply

    so my take on the wives who shut down sexually, at least from my professional perspective, is that so many men are clueless in terms of how to please the woman. they do very little in the way of direct clitoral stimulation. or they do it half-assed. so these couples rely on penetration for the bulk of their pleasure, which means, he comes and she doesn’t. often. (sexperts estimate that only 20% of women can reliably orgasm from penetration alone).

    women are more complex physiologically. so women take longer to rev up. women also are capable of multiple orgasms, so a woman who has one small orgasm and then that’s all folks? I think she’s likely to be frustrated. if she doesn’t orgasm on a regular basis? or ever? helloo? wtf? of course she shuts down. out of frustration which turns to resentment which turns to hostility and so on.

    this isn’t only the man’s fault. women aren’t assertive enough. don’t communicate their needs adequately (or at all) .. but I’ve heard too many stories of women who tell the man, “I need more of this.” Or, “Do it like that, please.” And the guy gives it a couple attempts but then drops it altogether. Too much trouble, or too awkward, or who the fuck knows? He doesn’t say anything, he just doesn’t do what is asked. The woman seethes and resigns herself to sucky sex. And eventually she shuts him out completely.

    I wish more people understood female sexuality better. Can you tell by this long comment?

    As for you and your MW Man, I go along with the excitement theory, too. I wonder if you’re not going through excitement withdrawal. The unavailability does add excitement, mystery, romance .. that whole unrequited love thing. Being with a guy who is committed and fully present can take getting used to. Weaning from the thrill of the chase, the up the follows the down.

    • petrichoric September 11, 2009 at 12:45 am Reply

      Loved your comment, “Coffee Yogurt”! Hell, yeah, penetration ain’t everything. In fact, in my case, I ONLY come through clitoral stimulation (nearly always oral sex). If I’ve had an orgasm, and my husband is still in me, I get bored pretty quickly of the sex.

      In my husband’s case, I wouldn’t say he’s clueless about pleasing a woman. In general, he’s quite a passionate and tender lover BUT it does bug the shit out of me when I’m not in the mood for sex, and I then feel his hard-on against my leg. I know he can’t control his arousal, but it’s obvious from that moment onwards that he’s going to be all about his hard-on. I’ve told him again and again that if he wants to get me in the mood he could try to give me a massage, but I want him to do that with the understanding that he MIGHT NOT get sex at the end of it. I find it upsetting to imagine that he’s only trying to help me relax so he can get laid.

      As for my being assertive, I think I am and I’m not. Certainly when I was a very young woman, I wasn’t as comfortable expressing my needs, but now I’m far from being shy about sex and sexuality. I think I know my sexual self pretty well. Perhaps the only area I could improve would be to get my husband to just touch me in a sexual manner without him expecting sex in return (as I said above).

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