An infuriating person.

Well, I missed posting last night for the first time in about six weeks. Technically speaking, I also skipped two other days this month but, seeing as those posts were published at exactly midnight, I don’t really count that as having skipped a day. Ach, so I failed the NaBloPoMo challenge this month. So what? At least I have a good excuse…for the first time in months, Midwestern Man and I actually went out on a date. It was to see one of my favourite singers…somebody I’ve been listening to for about thirteen or fourteen years. I wish I could mention who it was, but if I did, then you’d be able to google her, and find out where she played last night, and then you’d know where I live.

My husband and I are not getting on very well again. To be honest, I’m quite sick of him, and I find him infuriating. He constantly lectures me about all the things I do wrong which affect the relationship, and I’m fed up with it. I don’t mind him expressing his feelings but, ooh, it’s the way he goes about it. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, or how drunk, or if it’s 4:00 a.m. or if I’m in the middle of something, he will just start ranting about my bad behaviour. The ironic thing is that I generally agree with most of the things he says (generally, that I’m too much of a control freak and too critical) but when he just starts ranting like that, the last thing I want to do is listen to him and think about my behaviour. The main reaction I have is that I want to get away from him because his rants literally give me a headache.

I’ve told him again and again and again that it would be much better for us to schedule a specific time to talk about our issues when we won’t be tired and overly emotional, but he wants to talk about it on his terms.

I don’t know what to do because he wants me to make all these changes when I feel that he has just as many to make. He says I don’t listen to him, and that’s true because I find his ranting abusive and pointless. It achieves nothing and it puts me on the defensive. I also think he’s a huge hypocrite because somehow it’s OK for him to rant at me non-stop even though I’ve told him how much that upsets me. I’m supposed to listen to him when it’s apparently OK for him to ignore my wishes.

I know I have many flaws, but being too proud to admit them or to work on getting rid of them isn’t one of them. I don’t mind arguing if I feel it would lead to growth on both sides. However, I feel that we’ve reached a stalemate, and I honestly don’t think it’s my fault. I think it was emotionally healthy and mature of me to suggest choosing a mutually convenient time to discuss our flaws. However, the fact that he’s not willing to do that, and would prefer to call me up and expect me to drop everything I’m doing to listen to him rant shows that he has no interest in looking at his own behaviour.

How can I be the only one to change? Surely it takes two people for a relationship to progress?


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9 thoughts on “An infuriating person.

  1. Andrew October 20, 2009 at 1:07 am Reply

    I think you’re handling the situation well. Yes, it takes two to grow (and maintain) a relationship. At the risk of sounding all Dr. Phil, I think the two of you are in different places (emotionally, not geographically).

    As a man, I think the reason he is lashing out is because he’s coming from a place of fear. A fear of what? I don’t know. I think that’s what you have to find out, if you want to.

    I don’t know him (or you) well enough to know if it will do any good, but the next time he starts in, calmly try asking him, “What are you so afraid of?” Emphasize that you’re not taunting him, that you genuinely would like to know. If that doesn’t stop him cold, I don’t know what will.

    • petrichoric October 20, 2009 at 8:28 am Reply

      Hmmm, I don’t know if your suggestion would work. I don’t necessarily think he’s afraid of anything; I think he’s just frustrated. He’s frustrated that I don’t listen to him. Like I said, that is actually true because the way he approaches things completely switches me off. It doesn’t really seem that he’s willing to communicate in any sort of healthy way at all.

  2. Reluctant Blogger October 20, 2009 at 7:36 am Reply

    Oh gosh, this is awful. I so hate to watch people trying to change their partners. Surely he fell in love with you because you are the way you are? I know everyone is on their best behaviour a bit in the early stages of romance but nonetheless, it is totally wrong (and controlling) to try and change someone into the person you wish they could be. The only thing anyone has the power to change is the way they themselves think about a person. So he needs to sit down and seriously reflect on the way he is seeing you and pulling you apart and making you unhappy.

    I feel like giving him a good slapping to be honest.

    But yes, if there are serious issues to be discussed (and I don’t mean character assassinations) then these should be held when you are both sober and not exhausted and at a time when you both agree to do so. But that, I know, is easier said than done. When I want to say something – I want to say it RIGHT NOW!

    Be true to yourself, Pet – you do not need any personality correction.

  3. petrichoric October 20, 2009 at 8:32 am Reply

    To be fair to my husband, I think I’m definitely guilty of trying to mould him into something else, too. I’m certainly not an innocent party in this 100%. I think the best thing for us to do would be to find a counsellor or something, as we don’t seem capable of sitting down and communicating properly together. I feel that some kind of outside intervention may be needed.

    • PandaBox33 October 20, 2009 at 10:35 am Reply

      Counselling might do you good because you would have an unbiased listener who would coach you in resolving the issues that are apparent as well as the unseen issues (which are the ones causing more damage).

      It takes a lot of work to really listen to someone and as much work to learn how to talk to someone.

      Courage !

      • petrichoric October 20, 2009 at 11:26 am Reply

        Yes, I would really like to try counselling, but my husband isn’t so keen on the idea. I’m actually going to write a post later about this very topic!

  4. justme October 21, 2009 at 10:18 am Reply

    oh dear. Not sounding good! I don’t know what to suggest really. Maybe counselling would help, but then again, what it might also do is make you realise you are NOT compatable. Relationships are such a minefield…
    Hope you get something worked out though. It sounds rather depressing at the moment

    • petrichoric October 21, 2009 at 10:52 pm Reply

      It’s not as depressing as you might think (I just don’t tend to write about the good points in my relationship because I don’t need to vent about them). We’re both just passionate people, so if we argue it doesn’t tend to be pretty.

  5. Judith October 23, 2009 at 8:49 am Reply

    Your idea of scheduling discussions is a sound one, IMHO. I’m sorry things are going so poorly for you.

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