Wisdom toothless crazy cat lady.

Somehow I have found the motivation to start writing again despite the urge just to sink back down into a pit of lethargy. I wish I could find the desire to write more, but it’s just gone. I’m sure it’ll come back eventually, but right now I have very little to write about. I am horribly uninspired. For this reason, I didn’t do NaNoWriMo. I thought about entering a short story competition this month but I know it’s not going to happen. Somewhere in the deepest darkest depths of my psyche, I’m sure there’s a little voice screaming, “You abject fucking failure!”, but, to be quite frank, I can’t even rouse myself from my lethargy to self-flagellate myself for once.

I know this makes me sound really unhappy, but I’m not really. I wouldn’t say I’m happy (and I’m certainly not content) but I’ve definitely experienced far darker days than this. What I will say is that my days just seem incredibly humdrum. It was, of course, Thanksgiving recently and then it was my birthday, but every single day, whether it’s a day of celebration or not, seems to be exactly the same. They all just blend into each other.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should be concerned that I’m not unhappy. I’m somebody (correction: used to be somebody) who needs (needed) a lot of stimulation, variety and change and yet here I am appparently OK with leading a very narrow, little existence. Besides Midwestern Man, I don’t have any friends. It’s so difficult to build meaningful friendships, as most people here seem to prefer having casual acquaintances. I can’t be bothered having superficial casual chit-chat, so I just stay at home, hanging out with my ever increasing menagerie of cats and dogs and, of course, my husband. On the rare occasions when I do go out, I have fun, but I would have been just as content staying at home with my pets. Is is natural that I’ve become a crazy cat lady, or is this some new kind of depression which has snuck up on me without my realizing it?

On Wednesday, Midwestern Man and I will have our first ever couples counselling session. There is nothing terribly wrong with our relationship, but I do think that we need to learn how to communicate better. And I do wish that our relationship and sex life were more passionate. I miss the days when I would be crazy with lust for a man. I just don’t feel that way for Midwestern Man. I think he’s extremely handsome, but I don’t have the urge to rip his clothes off at all. This worries me but, on the other hand, every time I did want to rip a guy’s clothes off, he was usually a completely unreliable, abusive arsehole. Midwestern Man (who, from now on will be known simply as MM, because it takes too long to type “Midwestern Man” – and, besides, it’s a ridiculous name anyway) makes me feel safe and stable, and I just don’t find that very sexually exciting.

It’s so hard for me to know what a healthy relationship is because I’ve never had one before. My lack of sexual passion for MM could be a glaring sign that we’re not right for each other; or it could be a sign that I’m only sexually attracted to people who are bad for me.

Oh, God, whatever…I’m boring myself here.

Since I last wrote here, I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed and went for my immigration biometrics appointment. The wisdom teeth surgery was far, far easier than I expected. I was sleepy the day of the operation (as a result of the anaesthetic) but I was back to normal the day after. I has absolutely no facial swelling whatsoever, which was a surprise. I almost wished it had been harder to get over because MM took care of me so well, and was so sweet and attentive, that I could easily have lived like that forever!

The immigration biometrics appointment was also a piece of cake. All they do is take your picture and fingerprints. It will get really interesting in February when MM and I will have to go for our immigration interview. Of course, we’ve got nothing to hide, as it’s not like we’re committing visa fraud, but such situations always make me nervous.

That’s all for now, folks. Sweet dreams.


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4 thoughts on “Wisdom toothless crazy cat lady.

  1. Reluctant Blogger December 8, 2009 at 11:57 am Reply

    Oh goodness, I don’t know either.

    I tend to give up on relationships when I stop feeling the passion I suppose. So I’m not a very good advertisement. But I think generally with me the passion does last a good few years.

    But everyone is different and you just sound like you are going through a quiet insular plateau time at the moment. I am sure that is no bad thing – we all need those in between the peaks of excitement and adventure. I am rather fond of plateaux myself although I think generally when I am on one I tend to feel very mellow and content (like now).

    Don’t feel under pressure to write though -just pop in when you feel like it.

  2. Xul December 9, 2009 at 12:08 am Reply

    Glad to hear your wisdom tooth surgery went well. I always seem to think of that scene with Steve Martin and Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors whenever I hear about someone having a dental appointment!

    As far as relationships go, I’ll take mundane over drama any day!

  3. Arekino December 11, 2009 at 7:43 am Reply

    You got a total anaesthetic? You’re rather lucky, most dentists in my country only do local anaesthesia. I find it an unnerving yet fascinating experience. I just always find it interesting to watch people do their job.

    I suspect couples counselling is an interesting process to go through as well. I imagine a lot of truth-telling goes on during those sessions. Have you already informed MM on how you feel about the ‘passion’ part of your relationship with him?

  4. yogurtry December 14, 2009 at 2:14 am Reply

    Been married more than a dozen years. The passion wanes and then it returns. But it never quite returns to that “falling in lust” stage. But I’m happy to report what I’ve gotten in exchange makes for a trade up. So there IS hope.

    Lots of issues can contribute toward libido decline: Built up resentments. Focusing on what he is doing wrong too much and what he is doing right too little (definitely guilty as charged here, more often than I care to think about, but getting better at “letting the little things go”). Not getting your sexual needs met. Not taking good care of yourself. Chronic stress (I do believe you qualify here). Depression. Physical health and hormonal factors.

    Good communication can help on nearly every front. So bravo for taking a step toward marital health.

    And very glad to hear your wisdom teeth extraction went well.

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