Well, if, as Williamx said, we will spend the rest of the year doing what we did on New Year’s Eve, I will presumably spend the whole of 2010 watching insufferably boring French surrealist films. God help me.
I did fleetingly consider going out on New Year’s Eve but, hey, why break out of my crazy cat lady mould just for one night? Recently, it has occurred to me that I am spending far too much time on my own – since “MM” left on December 24th (!!!), I have not had any contact with other human beings except for clients! – and I thought to myself that perhaps I should live each day as if it were my last. However, then I thought that, God, I would rather die surrounded by my five cats and two dogs than a bunch of people I don’t really care for who are incapable of making anything other than mind-numbingly boring casual chit-chat.
And so it was that I found myself at home watching Luis Buñuel’s “The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie”. “MM” finally added me to his Netflix account a couple of weeks ago (which was actually harder than getting him to marry me! I’m not kidding!), so I’ve been playing this little game with myself. I’ve added so many fucking films to my queue (enough to keep me going until 2012!) that I’ve completely forgotten what’s about to be sent to me. Of course, I could just log into Netflix to check but it seems so much more exciting to be surprised. Last night’s film was absolutely fucking dire, though. God, I fucking hate surrealism. It’s my least favourite art form. I’m a social realist kinda gal. The annoying thing was that I soon realized that I’d seen the film before, or at least parts of it (or maybe I’d blocked out the memory because it was so goddamn awful).
How fitting that I should find myself, on New Year’s Eve, doing something I’d done before, and yet completely forgotten about. Is this how 2010 is going to be?
“MM” left the Midwest today to head back home (should arrive late on Saturday night) and he told me that he misses me so much that his heart hurts a little. Wow! I should be so delighted to hear him say that, but it makes little difference to me whether he returns or stays away forever. I feel quite numb. I should probably be depressed that I’ve had no worthwhile human contact for around ten days, but I’m not. I’m post-depressed. Nothing really seems to matter any more.
I feel bad because I’ve been blogging for around three years now, and I don’t seem to change. It’s like I’m stuck. I’m almost scared to post anything because I imagine people must be thinking how dull and boring I am. The one good thing about “MM” coming back is that he will be driving our (yes, our!) new car. I’ve never owned a car before (fuck, I can’t even remember the last time I even drove one…I passed my test in Scotland over fourteen years ago, and have barely driven a day since…I’ll need lessons again), and I’m hoping that having one here will open my life up a little. Living in an extremely car-centric city, and owning only a bike, my life takes place within, maybe, a three-mile radius. I feel stifled and completely oppressed.
Maybe having a car will make 2010 a good year?