Still a moany wee shite.

Wow, I had no idea that the last time I posted on here was January 6th! I thought my last post was in mid-February. I should have realized it was a long time when I attempted to log into WordPress, and had a hard time remembering my user ID and password. Thanks to those chipmunk aficionados, though, my stats haven’t taken much of a beating. In fact, insultingly, my busiest day ever was January 7th with over 300 hits!

Since I’ve been gone, lots of things have happened. “MM” and I passed our immigration interview, and so now I have a two-year green card. I’ll get the ten-year one at the end of next year (if we haven’t got divorced, that is!). I also passed my driving test about a month ago. Both of these things mean that it will be much easier for me to find a teaching job. I’ve been substitute teaching in a neighbouring school district in the hope that that will help me get my foot in the door there.

You’d think I’d be happy, wouldn’t you? But, well, I wouldn’t be the same moany wee shite you know and love if I was happy. I still have days (like today and yesterday actually) when I’m crushingly depressed, and I wish I could just stay in bed all day. I fantasize about slashing my wrists, or putting a bullet through my head. I don’t know why I feel this way. It just seems that nothing ever changes. I feel hopeless.

Last week was a particularly difficult week, as it always is in Mid-March, because there was a massive music festival here. Every year I’m reminded by all the musicians floating around of how I’m a talented singer and yet I do nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, with my talent. It’s the same thing with writing. I have all these ideas for articles, but I never do anything.

I picked up my copy of “The Artist’s Way” this morning, and read through the first chapter with the intention of working through all the exercises. Maybe this time it’ll help unblock me. I can’t help but be discouraged, though, whenever I look at the date I wrote on the inside cover when I started using it the first time – January 15th 2007. 2007! More than three years have passed, and still I’m completely artistically frustrated and blocked. Admittedly, I didn’t really follow the book properly, so it’s no bloody wonder I failed.

At the weekend, I posted an ad online to see if I can find musicians to collaborate with. Every so often I’ll realize that I’m wasting my vocal abilities, and I’ll frantically spend about a week or two trying to find somebody to work with. I’ll meet up with a few, but nothing ever seems to fit. I shouldn’t let that discourage me really, and should keep on looking…but I don’t, and then I forget all about making music. If I can forget so easily, maybe I don’t even want it enough.

Even blogging is a chore these days, another stick to beat myself about the head with. I find it hard, if not downright impossible, to keep up with all of the other blogs I read. I don’t know how you do it, but everybody else seems to manage it. They manage to write a post per day, read and comment on other people’s blogs, and then respond to comments on their own blogs in a timely fashion. All that, and they’ve got a life as well! If I did that, my life would consist only of blogging! Yet another reason to feel guilty and “less than”.


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10 thoughts on “Still a moany wee shite.

  1. Reluctant Blogger March 23, 2010 at 1:07 pm Reply

    Well, it cheered me up seeing you back. Not that I was glum – but it made me smile.

    I’d love to be able to sing. I can’t at all. So yes, you really must get your act together on that. But I don’t know how.

    As for blogging, I think a lot of people seem to be finding that they have reached the end of the road with it. I guess we are all part of a group that started on it at much the same time and maybe it is just a natural end point. I certainly feel that way. I have no NEED to blog anymore and I only do it because there are some people with whom I have no other way of staying in touch – they are not on FB or Twitter for instance – like YOU!

    I’m sorry you still have down spells. I think some of us are just like that. I’m the same. Everything is good in my life but every morning I wake up with a heavy heart and a sense of foreboding – as if I expect something to happen to snatch my happiness away.


    • petrichoric March 25, 2010 at 11:34 am Reply

      Hello, my dear RB. So glad to see you back over here. I do wish you would blog more frequently, though, as you’re one of my favourite bloggers. You’re one of the rare few who can manage to move me by your writing.

      Yes, it really does seem, doesn’t it?, that a lot of the “old faithful” have given up the blogging ghost. You’re probably right that blogging comes to a natural end for a lot of people. I don’t think I have the same need to blog either now that I’ve got “MM” in my life. Before I met him I was very lonely, and blogging was a way for me to reach out to other people. It makes me sad, though, that some people are no longer around, or don’t blog as much.

      By the way, I was reading some of your older posts, and was really saddened to learn about Teuvo going missing. Please tell me she came back!

  2. Fantastic Forrest March 24, 2010 at 12:58 am Reply

    Poor thing! It’s awful to feel down. Especially when you should be happy – GREEN CARD! Woot! Driver’s license! Woot woot!

    I’ve been down in the pit of despair even at times when everything was going right. I hope you get lighthearted again soon.

    Don’t fool yourself, though – many of us DON’T keep up with blogs all the time, nor do we write every day. Do what you can, when you can, and take heart in knowing that you’re doing more than many others do. Most importantly, have courage and don’t worry about what you haven’t achieved in the past. Each day is a new beginning and a chance to move forward. God, that sounds trite. But it’s still true! 🙂

    • petrichoric March 25, 2010 at 11:36 am Reply

      Hello, “Fantastic Forrest”. Well, you’ll be glad to hear that I’m feeling much better today. How have you been? I’ll be over to check out your blog in a sec.

  3. Xul March 26, 2010 at 5:50 pm Reply

    Hello there, Missy! An informant told me that you were back! Glad to hear you got the green card and driver’s license- takes a bit of the uncertainty away.

    Don’t feel bad about not blogging. The last time I posted anything was January 6th as well. These things have a life cycle like anything else, it would seem. Glad to see you are still alive and kicking!

    • petrichoric March 26, 2010 at 9:37 pm Reply

      Yes, I noticed that we stopped blogging on the same day. That was probably because you adore me so much that you just couldn’t bear to be in the blogosphere without me, eh? Does my return mean that you’ll also be posting soon?

      • Xul March 27, 2010 at 2:48 pm Reply

        Oh, who knows? I really haven’t had anything to blog about, and what’s the point of it, really, when the three people who read my blog had buggered off? Well, one at least spends most of her time on Facebook, but the novelty of that for me wore off a long time ago and I can’t stomach any more than a minute of it now!

        • petrichoric March 27, 2010 at 10:01 pm Reply

          Well, you’re not going to get any readers if you don’t every post anything. C’mon, woman. There must be something you can write about surely?

  4. phd in yogurtry April 1, 2010 at 7:39 am Reply

    My keeping up with other’s blogs has fallen by the wayside, too, by leaps and fall-downs. I used to post 2-3 blogs per week, I’m now good if I post once per week. I hate seeing my comments decrease but I have to face the facts: If I don’t go ’round others’ blogs and comment, that’s what happens. And sometimes I wonder “why bother.” And yes, how in the heck do others do it, those who post daily and manage to stop by so many blogs?? They must have boring day jobs.

    But I do like checking in and getting to know bloggers so here I am. I’ve missed your posts. Sorry about your depression. Maybe the winter months have taken a toll on you. Whatever it is, I’m glad to read your comment where you say you have bounced back. Keep bouncing, Petrochoric. And congrats on your 2 yr Green Card.

    • petrichoric April 2, 2010 at 12:55 pm Reply

      Ach, you shouldn’t worry about not commenting on people’s blogs much. Sometimes I get a bit peeved if I constantly comment on others’ blogs, and they never once come to my blog (bit of a snub, no?), but if I like someone and they haven’t been to my blog for a while, I just assume they’re busy. I realize I don’t have a lot of readers but the people who do come here generally leave long, interesting comments, and I’d much rather have that than hundreds of people leaving short, dull comments.

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