My depression seems to have lifted, and I am feeling much more energetic and hopeful about the future. The day I wrote the last blog post (Tuesday), I ended up going to a café to write in my journal, and I inadvertently stumbled in on an open-mic night. Generally, I hate these things, especially so in this town where every man and his fucking dog is a “singer songwriter”. It did, however, really lift my spirits just to get out of the house (even if someone did cover “Tears in Heaven”, one of the most nauseatingly schmalzy songs in existence).
Photo by Jillyspoon
It nearly always improves my mood if I can just force myself to leave my bedroom, and make an attempt to see other people. I don’t necessarily need to interact with other people; it’s just good to be amongst my fellow human beings. Of course, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Don’t they always advise depressed people to force themselves to do something? The surprise is that, despite knowing how much I need other people, and how going out and doing something different and spontaneous improves my mood, I can never seem to see the point in it at the time. I’m just no good at practising self-care. I’ll spend far too much time being a hermit, doing nothing, seeing nobody except “MM” and my pets, and then I’ll plummet into a depression for a few days. Why do I find it so hard to remember that I need people?, that I need to do new and interesting things?!
At the weekend I placed an online ad to find a musician to do some music with. I’m not entirely sure what you’d call the kind of music I want to do, but I suppose it would have jazzy/folky elements, enhanced by synthesizers. The response to my ad has hardly been overwhelming, and most of those who have responded are the usual flakes and time-wasters who, if they’d read my ad carefully, would have realized they’re not who I’m looking for. After I told one guy I didn’t think we were compatible, he sent me a petulant email back telling me it was a shame I didn’t have the self-confidence to embrace working with a professional musician such as himself! Ha! I’m glad for such emails, though, because once they’ve crossed the line into dickheadedness, I can wash my hands off them completely without having to worry about their fragile egos.
One guy does seem very promising, however, and we’re going to meet on Monday night. I get a good feeling from his emails, and the brief phone conversation we had yesterday. I’m trying not to get too hopeful because we might discover we have no chemistry, or maybe he won’t be as good as he seems.
I hope it works out, and I hope I can sustain the momentum and enthusiasm to do something creative.