Hopeful


My depression seems to have lifted, and I am feeling much more energetic and hopeful about the future. The day I wrote the last blog post (Tuesday), I ended up going to a café to write in my journal, and I inadvertently stumbled in on an open-mic night. Generally, I hate these things, especially so in this town where every man and his fucking dog is a “singer songwriter”. It did, however, really lift my spirits just to get out of the house (even if someone did cover “Tears in Heaven”, one of the most nauseatingly schmalzy songs in existence).

Photo by Jillyspoon

It nearly always improves my mood if I can just force myself to leave my bedroom, and make an attempt to see other people. I don’t necessarily need to interact with other people; it’s just good to be amongst my fellow human beings. Of course, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Don’t they always advise depressed people to force themselves to do something? The surprise is that, despite knowing how much I need other people, and how going out and doing something different and spontaneous improves my mood, I can never seem to see the point in it at the time. I’m just no good at practising self-care. I’ll spend far too much time being a hermit, doing nothing, seeing nobody except “MM” and my pets, and then I’ll plummet into a depression for a few days. Why do I find it so hard to remember that I need people?, that I need to do new and interesting things?!

At the weekend I placed an online ad to find a musician to do some music with. I’m not entirely sure what you’d call the kind of music I want to do, but I suppose it would have jazzy/folky elements, enhanced by synthesizers. The response to my ad has hardly been overwhelming, and most of those who have responded are the usual flakes and time-wasters who, if they’d read my ad carefully, would have realized they’re not who I’m looking for. After I told one guy I didn’t think we were compatible, he sent me a petulant email back telling me it was a shame I didn’t have the self-confidence to embrace working with a professional musician such as himself! Ha! I’m glad for such emails, though, because once they’ve crossed the line into dickheadedness, I can wash my hands off them completely without having to worry about their fragile egos.

One guy does seem very promising, however, and we’re going to meet on Monday night. I get a good feeling from his emails, and the brief phone conversation we had yesterday. I’m trying not to get too hopeful because we might discover we have no chemistry, or maybe he won’t be as good as he seems.

I hope it works out, and I hope I can sustain the momentum and enthusiasm to do something creative.

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14 thoughts on “Hopeful

  1. Arekino March 27, 2010 at 8:17 am Reply

    Hi Petrichor,

    Welcome back. Where have you *been*? Some people were getting a bit worried here. You must have lots of interesting stories to tell from your journey (You did go on that road trip, right?). Didn’t you also promise to post a pic of your car?

    I also have this strange forgetfulness when it comes to remembering that I need human company regularly. I’m not sure about the cause but I may find that out in hopefully not too short a while. Plus I’ve got lots of human company these days, some wanted and some sometimes unwanted.

    I’m not sure what you mean by “jazzy/folky elements, enhanced by synthesizers” but to be honest, it sounds a bit kitchy. Then again, I’ve never heared that kind of music. So, it may sound really good.

    I hope you find someone you can jam with.

    • petrichoric March 27, 2010 at 9:59 pm Reply

      I’m not sure what you mean by “jazzy/folky elements, enhanced by synthesizers” but to be honest, it sounds a bit kitchy. Then again, I’ve never heared that kind of music. So, it may sound really good.

      Sheesh, don’t try too hard to encourage me or anything, Arekino!

      Where have you *been*? Some people were getting a bit worried here.

      Oh, you should know me by now. I always disappear for an extended period, but I always come back. Who was worried about me?! Really? Oh, are you referring to Xul?

      I also have this strange forgetfulness when it comes to remembering that I need human company regularly. I’m not sure about the cause but I may find that out in hopefully not too short a while. Plus I’ve got lots of human company these days, some wanted and some sometimes unwanted.

      Well, I’m glad to hear that you’re being social. How is your life these days? Found a new job? Feeling any brighter?

  2. Arekino March 28, 2010 at 9:09 am Reply

    “Sheesh, don’t try too hard to encourage me or anything, Arekino! ”

    Well, yes, it’s true that it’s often hard for me to be optimistic, it’s nothing personal. I am honestly curious as to what your music would sound like.

    “Who was worried about me?!”

    Well, Xul, me and I’m sure a whole bunch of other people. I don’t know about the others but when someone disappears without a trace for months I tend to get a weeeeeeeeee bit worried. Maybe you’re right and I should know you by now. I guess I’m a slow learner.

    “How is your life these days?”

    Oh, let’s see. I got myself evicted a week and a half ago so now I live with my parents who allow me practically no privacy and continually try to assimilate me into their little cult of Exclude-All-Possible-Risk-From-Life plus I’m still a virgin at 42. On the bright side, I’m getting professional help for my problems (debts+mental health) and I’ve been enjoying the exchange of letters with a particularly friendly individual.

    • petrichoric March 28, 2010 at 2:16 pm Reply

      That’s great that you’re getting help for your issues. That will probably help you with the virginity thing also…maybe build up your confidence so you can approach more women (if that’s a problem for you?), and go on dates. Is your “particularly friendly individual” a woman perchance?

      • Xul March 29, 2010 at 11:02 pm Reply

        Who summons the Great and Mighty Xul?!? Oh, it’s you two again! Starting to become the usual suspects, I see. Well, don’t let her confuse you, Arekino, she’s actually doing a Bluegrass/Honky Tonk fusion with a dash of The Proclaimers thrown in. Or was it Klezmer? She’s becoming a product of her environment. Probably already has a “Kinky Friedman for President” bumper sticker on her car! Anyway, toodles!

        • petrichoric March 30, 2010 at 5:46 pm Reply

          Bluegrass/Honky Tonk fusion with a dash of The Proclaimers? Now, don’t go giving me ideas!

      • Arekino March 30, 2010 at 4:45 am Reply

        “Is your “particularly friendly individual” a woman perchance?”

        Well, I certaily hope so 🙂 She looks like one. It’s not likely to resolve the virginity thing though. She lives quite far away and it’s best not to presume.

        The headshrinker might help. I hope he/she likes a challenge.

        Do you mind if I ask you something? Why do you feel the need to be creative if it takes so much energy to do it? Just having fun shouldn’t take such an effort, right?

        • petrichoric March 30, 2010 at 5:48 pm Reply

          Yes, you’re right, Arekino, it shouldn’t take so much energy to be creative. It should be fun, yes, but the problem is that I’ve built up all these neuroses around creativity, so that’s why I find it hard to get anything done.

          • Arekino April 1, 2010 at 7:26 am Reply

            But you’re still able to have fun, right? Without neuroses?

            • petrichoric April 1, 2010 at 8:36 am Reply

              Sure, sometimes I do manage have fun! Well, when I let myself do so, anyway.

  3. Villager March 31, 2010 at 10:02 am Reply

    ‘originally from a small, wet country but living under a hot sun, many thousands of miles away from home.’

    You’re making me jealous !

    • petrichoric March 31, 2010 at 11:43 am Reply

      Well, don’t be too jealous. The weather might be great, but I’d trade the weather for more interesting inhabitants.

  4. phd in yogurtry April 1, 2010 at 7:45 am Reply

    Sitting alone in a cafe, writing in a journal, waiting for a reply to an ad to sing with musicians. Ah, that does sound like a romantic life. I’d like to trade for a week. Or five.

    • petrichoric April 2, 2010 at 12:51 pm Reply

      There’s no need to trade. All you need to do is post an online ad, and then go sit in a cafe, with your journal, waiting to see if you get any responses. Mr Coffee Yoghurt might be a bit worried about your new path in life, though.

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