You can tell it hasn’t been a good weekend when I find it hard to get out of bed, and google “how to kill yourself painlessly”. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but that’s what I did. Here I am, a teacher of juniors and seniors in high school, and I, myself, have yet to outgrow my own teenage angst. Anyway, when you google the above, you actually will find a link to this man’s website. It makes for quite interesting reading. And it’s nice to think that you can end your life quietly and painlessly without having to blow your brains out, or jump off a building…or anything else bloody and disfiguring.
His name is Jerry Hunt, and he came up with a fool-proof way of killing himself in 1993 when he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. You can read all about it here.
Oh, don’t worry. I’m not really suicidal. I can’t manage to achieve anything in life, so why would you even think that I’d manage to take my own life? I’m cringing as I write these sentences because I do realize that they are so self-pitying and self-absorbed. It’s so embarrassing that I can barely even bring myself to write about it. I started blogging at the end of (what?) 2006 or 2007. I’ve got married, I’ve started teaching…and, yet, still I’m not happy. I’m just not very good at life.
I feel trapped – in every single aspect of my life.
I feel trapped living in this little podunk town, teaching kids – who for the most part – don’t really care. I would probably like teaching part-time, but doing it full-time is just too much. I can’t deal with the work load. If I could wave a magic wand, and have my life the way I want it, I would live in a little cabin in the mountains with plenty of time for myself to write and sing.
Maybe this will happen one day…but when? I’m nearly thirty-three years old, and I’m bogged down with debt. I can’t afford to work only part-time.
If/when I get certified at the end of this year, where will I go after that? The sensible thing would be to stay here for another year to get some more teaching experience, but this idea hardly fills me with joy. I would like to get out of this state, and move somewhere else, but it would be hard to find a job with so little experience. Some other states wouldn’t even accept my teaching certificate from this state.
I feel trapped because I own eight pets – six cats, and two dogs. They bring me so much happiness and pleasure, but I would probably have left this country long ago if it wasn’t for them. I would like to take off to a brand new country, and start all over again, but I can’t because I would never be able to afford to take them with me. People suggest that I could just find new homes for some of them, but I would never do that. These animals have always been there for me, no matter what, and I just couldn’t abandon them because they’re “inconvenient”. Nonetheless, they stop me from being free, and travelling, and seeing new places and meeting new people.
I feel trapped because I’m married to a man I would probably never have married if I hadn’t needed some way to stay in the country. I wouldn’t just have married anybody to get a green card – there were real feelings there – but I would probably still be single if I hadn’t needed to get married. I’m really not sure I love him. We haven’t had sex in God knows when, and I cringe when he hugs me, or wants to cuddle. I want him to stay as far away from me as possible.
He does a lot for me now that I’ve started teaching (makes me dinner most nights; cleans the house; takes care of the animals) but he does everything so begrudgingly that I don’t know why he even bothers. I suppose I don’t really blame him. It must get pretty tiresome to help somebody who gives you nothing in return. I don’t know why, but I just can’t bring myself to put anything into this relationship.
I am tired. I’m tired of working twelve hours days, and then having no money to show for it at the end of the month because I’m supporting both of us (this place is so poor that it’s been really hard for him to find a job). I wouldn’t mind if I thought there would be an end to this, but he has no career to speak of, and it doesn’t look like he ever will. He wants to be a graphic novelist, but he never does any work. He has all these pipe dreams about how to earn money as an artist, but he never gets started. I can’t go on spending every penny I earn to support both of us. I’d like to put some money aside for a “rainy day”, so that I can start afresh somewhere new.
I just don’t feel well. I think I’m suffering from anxiety and depression, and I think that my husband probably is too, so we can’t help each other. I can’t give him anything because I’ve got nothing to give. Every weekend, I spend the whole Saturday in bed, dreading the idea of getting up. It’s nearly 4:00 p.m. on Sunday and I’ve only now got out of bed! I have all my lessons to plan for tomorrow, and all my grading to do, also, so, as usual, I’ll be up into the wee small hours of the morning doing what I actually had all weekend to do.
I’m an adult, and yet I’m completely disorganized and inefficient. There are numerous things I’m good at (writing/singing) but I don’t know how to use these talents. Everything just seems like such a huge, insurmountable obstacle.
Before writing this, I spent some time researching psychiatrists online because I would like to visit one and be prescribed some kind of medication. I want something to make it all better. NOW! I don’t want to fucking talk to a therapist because that has never worked very well for me. I just need something to help me get out of bed, and feel a little bit better about myself.