Somewhere in my heart…

I read this post yesterday on the Bella Caledonia website, and I found myself watching Aztec Camera on YouTube later, doing this version of “Somewhere in My Heart”.

I was only ten when this song was a massive hit, but I can very clearly remember loving it, and having a massive crush on Roddy Frame. I think I may even have kissed his lips on the telly when he was on it (not bad taste for a ten-year-old!). It’s twenty-two years later,and this song still speaks to me.

It’s 12:40 PM on Monday night (Tuesday morning) and I’m no longer in my quasi-suicidal mode. Today was an OK day at school (I’m buoyed by the thought of having five days off for Thanksgiving) and I’m now half-pissed on a bottle of Yellow Tail Cabernet Sauvignon (aye, classy lady!).

The wine is making me melancholy and nostalgic, as is the Aztec Camera song. What the fuck am I doing living in this desert wasteland thousands of miles away from home?! I’m not cut out for this climate. My skinny bones love the heat, but ah cannae handle the dust. I had to go to the doctor last week to get a fucking steroid shot in ma arse to reduce the inflammation in my asthmatic lungs. Oh to breathe the pure air of Scotland! It’s the end of fucking November, and yet ma oxters were reeking like a badger’s arse today -it’s that hot!

The Bella Caledonia website is also making me a wee bit depressed. All these talented Scottish people (or at least Scottish-based people) with so many interesting things to say about politics! I’m interested in politics, but I could never imagine putting together a whole blog about it. I’m just not that erudite. I just tend to witter on about, um, myself really. I realize that’s a pretty narrow focus but I just can’t seem to get beyond myself. I feel left out when I see blogs like Bella Caledonia. I imagine that all the contributors are one big happy family, and that they get together in pubs, and have fascinating conversations. I’d like to belong to a group like that (a kind of salon, you know) but I don’t think I’d fit in.

Right now, I wish I was back in Glasgow, in a pub somewhere, basking in the glow of that drunken friendliness you can probably only ever find in pubs in the Celtic nations. It’s probably a fake kind of friendliness but, ach, everybody means it at the time, and sometimes that’s all that matters. As I think about this, I realize that there is nothing I would rather like less than to take MM with me to Glasgow. Glasgow is a world he doesn’t belong in, and I don’t ever want him to see it.

That’s quite fucked up really. This is the man I’m married to, and I don’t want him to see who I truly am, or where I come from. He’s fast asleep on the sofa right now, sleeping off the wine, and he has no idea about half of the shit that runs through my head. I don’t think he really knows me. Maybe ( brace yourself for cliche, reader!) nobody can ever know you (yawn). I say it’s a cliche, but the fucking scary part is that maybe it’s true. At least for me.


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4 thoughts on “Somewhere in my heart…

  1. LazyBuddhist November 23, 2010 at 10:26 am Reply

    Glad to hear you’re not feeling as acutely depressed. A little melancholia and nostalgia never hurt anyone whereas contemplating suicide, whether for yourself, or merely as a concept, can lead to bad outcomes.

    Any chance you’ll be able to get a change of scenery during your days off? It doesn’t have to be major, but just got your ass out of that desert for a day or two. Maybe leave the MM on the couch, grab a dog or two and take a little roadtrip? Sometimes just a slight change of scenery and the illusion that you’re actually going somewhere can bump the needle out of the well-worn groove it’s stuck in.

    Anyway, it’s just a thought. Hang in there, girl.

  2. Reluctant Blogger November 24, 2010 at 2:38 pm Reply

    Sigh! It often strikes me that everyone is just in their own little bubble really and that none of us really knows anyone else, not even those we purport to love and know everything about. We are all so isolated really.

    I like that most of the time.

    But not always.

    It’s good to see you back blogging. I still can’t get my head round how your life has changed – married and teaching.

    Did you watch Lip Service at all?

  3. xul November 29, 2010 at 7:14 pm Reply

    “It’s the end of fucking November, and yet ma oxters were reeking like a badger’s arse today -it’s that hot!”

    Literary gold, that is! No wonder I always keep coming back! LOL

    Hello, my darling wee lass! Glad to see ya back for a bit! Sorry to hear you are having troubles with the natives. Can’t say I’m too surprised, though. I know a few people who teach/have taught in public school and it makes me ever so thankful that I was sent to private schools.

  4. yogurt December 9, 2010 at 11:27 pm Reply

    I read a book you might like (or not) The Guynd by Belinda Rathbone. An American woman’s take on a few aspects of your home country, Scotland. I loved it. Hope you had a relaxing five days off and I know you are looking forward to your holiday break. Any plans for checking out the surrounding areas? Road trips?

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