Haven’t written in here in a looooooong time. This blog feels kinda redundant now, to be honest. A lot of the blogs I used to read are now no longer in existence, or they’re “private” and I wasn’t invited to join the party (and don’t care enough to ask for the privilege). I’m sure some of my readers are still out there (I can see some of you have email subscriptions) and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s not.
The impulse to start afresh is strong. But I’m not sure I see a point. A new blog would mean a big, brave new start to a big, brave new chapter in my life but that, sadly, is not how life is.
Every so often I check who has left me comments on here and it’s nearly all people having suicidal thoughts who have stumbled across my “How to Kill Yourself Painlessly” post. I feel that my blog has become a social club for the fuck-ups of this world. I guess this bothers me because I consider myself to be a fuck-up, and it’s never nice to be reminded of this.
Oh, I know that happiness is a “choice” yadda yadda yadda but, you see, the thing is, I don’t seem to be very good at making that choice. I started blogging in (when?) 2007, and nothing much seems to have changed. It seems that most blogs have a limited shelf life because the writers change and go on to do different things. I feel that I’m the exception in that I’m still stuck.
The teaching thing didn’t work out, by the way. I HATED being a teacher. The job market is so shit in this state (and in the US, in general) that I knew I would have to stay in that godawful little town for another year if I wanted to get out with enough experience to get a job somewhere else. It was soul-crushing living there, so I didn’t want to do that. A parent actually called the school to complain that there was a “foreigner” teaching her child. The head of my department hated “gringas” who “didn’t understand the kids” and went out of her way to sabotage everything I did. Ironically, a week after I left, she got fired for stealing money from the school! I could go on and on and on and on about how awful it was to live there.
I haven’t, for one single second, regretted my decision to quit teaching.
Now I’m back in civilization (the same city as before…which doesn’t seem half as bad as it did before I moved to Hicksville) and working for a major company in a customer service role. Apparently I can’t even give a hint about the identity of this company because I have been warned that it actually has a special department looking out for disgruntled employees posting shit about it on the internet. It’s probably just as well that I hadn’t posted on here before I found this out because, oh, I would have bitched all right!
Life just meanders on. I’m tired working the 9-6 daily grind. Haven’t got much energy for anything once I get home. Sitting all day on your arse in an office really takes it out of you. I want to be a singer and writer but, same old, same old, I don’t really do much in that area. I am trying to learn piano, though.
Still married to MM and things are going….well, they’re just going. I’m fond of him, but I can’t say that I love him with any passion whatsoever.
This is why I don’t blog. I’ve become the person I never thought I would become. Everything about me is stagnant, and I have no idea how to change that.
Tagged: depression, I hate teaching, marriage, teaching
My Petrichor Past 
Good to read your words again. Nothing worse than the mystery of what happened to a fellow blogger when they drop off the interwebs – especially when their last post is titled “how to kill yourself painlessly.”
You’re not the only one in a general blog (and life) malaise. Most of the bloggers I used to follow rarely, if ever, post anymore. It’s a shame. But, I’m as guilty as everyone else. I’m averaging one post every two months. Oy.
Sorry to hear the teaching thing didn’t work out for you. But, at least you can cross that one off your list of possible careers. And I totally understand the challenge of life after putting a full day in at the office. I’m trying mightily not to fall into a TV-induced coma every night of the week, but it’s a freakin’ challenge.
Hang in there.
Oh, and by the way, you’re not a fuck-up.
Thank goodness for email subscriptions to my blog! Otherwise nobody would ever remember to check this blog again! Yes, it is a shame that other bloggers have stopped blogging. In my case, I just feel paranoid that I’m blogging about the same old shit that I was blogging about years ago, and it makes me feel embarrassed. Also, with all the political events happening in the world right now, I also feel guilty that my stuff is so unpolitical and all about “me”. But I guess I shouldn’t really give a shit. I should probably just please myself, as it is a nice “release” to write and get my feeling out.
Well, whatever you decide to do with your life, I wish you good luck. Remember that things change, they always do. I hope you find some balance, some peace and a little happiness.
Hi, Arekino! How are you? What’s happening over in the Netherlands?! Do tell.
I’m doing okay. I’m learning to take better care of myself, which is good.
Hi, Arekino. So glad to hear that you’re doing well, or, at least, better.
Aha! There you are! I figured that you had probably gone postal on those patanes and that was likely the reason for your absence! LOL Glad to see ya back.
Hi, Xul. I had to look up “patanes” to understand what you were talking about….very funny! Yeah, “patanes” is about right. Couldn’t have put it better myself.
Good to hear from you again — I’m still blogging away but miss many of those I read in earlier years.
Your blog is one of those that impresses me the most, Louisey. Even when you write about mundane things, your writing is suffused with such a sense of poetry and elegance.
Okay, so, addressing the existential dilemma– the early parts of our lives as human beings are enshrouded with a sense of linearity; that is, we are constantly learning, always developing, creating history through memory, ad infinitum (or so it seems)– however, one reaches a point where this narrative entitled ‘I’ tends to stagnate, and all that’s left is a meandering, ephemeral anticipation which could be ‘hope’ if it wasn’t so irrevocably drowned in malaise. So we’re what? We’re 20-something-30-something, we’re of that generalized classification of thinkers who are ‘enlightened’ to the extent that we see things so clearly, see through them almost, and find it all so depressing, as if the fluorescence in our minds have illuminated the world so much that it hurts. We squint. And then here we are, the narrative has seemingly stopped, and because we see through the bullshit most people are blind to, we wonder– what the fuck just happened? What am I doing here, why have I stopped progressing, illiterate to the poetry of reality? And so on, et cetera, I’ll shut the fuck up soon. Point is, I understand and I feel it and I agree, but I thought I’d chime in to pontificate a bit… maybe the question isn’t so much “how am i going to get out of this” as it is “what should i do to enjoy this?” And we tell ourselves lies until they become truth. Apologies for the ramble.
I hear everything you’re saying, “an author”. And I agree with you, too, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better. You’re right that the question should be “what should I do to enjoy this” but that there is the tragedy. I have absolutely no fucking idea whatsoever how to let go, relax and enjoy myself. I look at my mother, and I don’t think she ever learned to, so maybe I’m doomed. Sorry – just not feeling very hopeful today.
Glad you are back. Whatever you do, wherever you go … keep blogging, which is to say, keep writing. I don’t view your posts as same ole. You have a fresh, unique voice and I always look forward to reading what you have to say.
Aw, thanks for the kind words, Ms. Yogurt. I’m going to pop over to your blog in a wee sec.