Oh, how I long for the good old days! Before the advent of the internet and social media, I would see a good-looking guy at a party, or wherever, and there would follow weeks, perhaps even months, of longing and wondering. Who was he? Where could I see him again? Most of the time I never found out unless he happened to be a friend of a friend.
Even though Breakroom Boy works in my office, he’s not in the same department, so I didn’t think it would be all that easy to find out who he was. True, we all have to wear a name badge but what was I going to do? Linger about the break room all day in the hope of seeing him, sidle up to him, stand uncomfortably close and then peer intently at the badge dangling from his waist? Well….I did consider it, but I ruled out that investigative technique.
No, this is not Breakroom Boy.
But he does look a wee bit like this.
Instead, I briefed some co-workers to keep their ears to the ground and….success! One of them heard somebody use his name when they were speaking to him. Thanks to the employee directory, and my deductive powers, I was able to work out his last name as well. I know more about Breakroom Boy than is healthy. Let’s see what I know:
(1) His first and last name (and, oh, his father’s and grandfather’s too – although he is Breakroom Boy III, so it’s obvious what their names are)
(2) His age (32)
(3) Where he’s from
(4) What he studied at university (business – boring!) and his career since then
(5) His email address, home address and phone number (um, yeah)
(6) What kind of music he likes to listen to
(7) Where he likes to hang out
(8) His relationship status
(9) What his girlfriend looks like – I found a couple of pictures of him online with the same girl. She’s pretty, but she ain’t got nothing on me.
It was kinda thrilling to find out so much about him but I am ashamed to admit that I actually stayed up until 4:00 a.m. just trying to find out more stuff about him. How fucking out-of-control is that?! It’s creepy, and I would be creeped out if I knew anybody had spent that amount of time looking up stuff about me. I almost didn’t admit this on here, but I feel it’s important to address the fact that I am GODDAMN CREEPY! Oh my God!
Worse still, I created a brand new AIM account just so I could anonymously say hi to him via chat. He didn’t respond! But, thankfully, all I said was “Hello”, and he has no idea who the chat is from. I’m thinking this is the universe’s way of telling me to leave this alone.
I must also admit that all my social media shenanigans have ruined the mystery a little, too, which makes me less eager to get to know him. I’m disappointed, and surprised, that he’s American even if Mexican-American is better than some vanilla white guy. I knew he was Latin, for sure, but he doesn’t carry himself like an American at all. I had imagined that he was Brazilian for some reason. He also grew up only 200 miles away and moved here apparently to go to college. I find this very boring. Why on earth didn’t he want to leave? Widen his horizons a little? Finally, I found a picture of him and (probably) his girlfriend dressed up in some lame-ass Hallowe’en costumers. Let’s just say that my brooding man of mystery did not look quite so intriguing dressed up as a mobile phone!
I think I’m over my obsession. Breakroom Boy is probably nothing like what I imagined, needed, wanted him to be. How could he be? Nobody could ever be that good.
I need to focus my attention on more healthy things but, still, I find myself drawn to adventure. At this point in my life, I can honestly say that I am only faithful to Midwestern Man because an opportunity not to be hasn’t presented itself. I crave excitement and passion.
I guess this makes me, at best, a weak person; at worst – a bad person.