I am so fucking deliriously happy!


Actually I am not fucking happy at all. I am, at best, in my usual state of apathy, mild depression, and crippling anxiety. But this new title is a desperate attempt to deflect all the “suicide traffic” my blog has been getting ever since I misguidedly wrote this post just over a year ago.

As you can see from the screenshot below, my blog is the fucking ninth entry on the first page of Google when you search for “How to Kill Yourself Painlessly”:

“How to Kill Yourself Painlessly” is unsurprisingly also the number one search term which brings people to this blog – well, it’s that and “chipmunk”. Yes, fucking “chipmunk!” and multiple variations thereof (“sex with chipmunk” etc?!?!). All of this makes me very uncomfortable. From time to time, people will leave a comment on that post, telling me that they’re going to kill themselves. This confuses me quite a bit. On the one hand, I want to write back to tell them (of course!) “don’t do it!”,  but there is another part of me that wants to ignore these comments altogether or delete them. I am not a therapist. There is nothing I can do for these people. A glib reply to their comments is not going to help.

Also, I don’t really want to belong to the “suicide club”. No matter how “progressive” or “enlightened” the times we’re living in are, there’s still a stigma to mental illness, and I want to be fucking normal. I don’t want to hang out in the comments box of my blog, talking about suicide methods. I know that must make me sound cruel, but, well, it’s true.

Recently, one of my commenters, with the cheerful name “lifeismisery”,  wrote that he liked my writing but that he found my  writing “often kind of depressing”. This got me a-thinkin’. When somebody called “lifeismisery” finds you depressing then, well….bloody hell!

Oh, God, I know that I’m depressing and stuck in a rut. I leave little comments on the blog “The Cat Girl Speaks” all the time, but she never leaves a comment over here. Waah! Waah! Why would she? I’m such a big stick in the mud. It must really fucking depress people to read this blog. I take myself far too seriously. Worse still – I write blog posts about taking myself too seriously. Jesus fucking Christ.

For 2012, I am going to fucking try to stop being such a misery guts. Surely there must be some good things in my life, after all?! Last week I got offered full-time employment with the major international company I’d been working for as a slave contractor for the past 10 months. The health benefits are fucking out of this world – not just for me, but for MM as well. I know that this won’t mean much to European readers but it’s a huge relief to know that I can now go to the doctor to get asthma medication or to the dentist to get a check-up without going bankrupt. Hell, I might even go and get allergy shots since it’s all covered! Maybe I could even get some anti-anxiety medication.

Also, this company does treat its employees well, and it’ll even pay up to around $5000 for me to take job-related classes. Since I write for my job, my manager said she could probably arrange for me to take some kind of writing classes. This job is certainly far from being a dream, but it could help me progress.

On the other hand, MM and I are not getting on well at all. Some of that is my fault, because I have taken, taken and taken from this relationship and lent on him so heavily – and, yet, I have given nothing back. I don’t know why. Is it because I don’t know how? Or don’t want to? He is right to feel angry and cheated,  yet instead of leaving he just rants and yells at me no matter how tired and depressed I’m feeling. He demands an apology for this; an apology for that. I just don’t have  the fucking energy to deal with him and his needs. I feel that we are both mired in a big morass of co-dependency.

But, hey, let’s not dwell on the negative, right? Things can get better, can’t they? It’s that time of year when people make resolutions and feel hopeful that they can change. I just feel so scared that I’ll be living this narrow, dull, little life forever. Rationally, I know that I have control over how my life goes so why does it feel that life is just something that happens to me?

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27 thoughts on “I am so fucking deliriously happy!

  1. lifeismisery December 16, 2011 at 10:48 pm Reply

    I wouldn’t read into too much into what I said. I mean it is kind of depressing, but I kinda like it because of that. Sort of the way an angsty teenager really likes The Smiths.

    Anyways, I chose this username because I’m not very clever. But you shouldn’t apologize for who you are. I like reading your blog because it feels real. And most great artists go through the same things, but at least in my experience it just means we have a bigger thirst to experience life in all it’s excitement and beauty. It’s just we have a really hard time when we feel trapped in a bad situation.

    And it helps to get all those thoughts out of your head and onto page. It doesn’t mean your a depressing person in real life, It just means you have a lot of feelings inside you that need to get out.

    Hopefully things work out better for you, but maybe what you need is a drastic change. I know that’s probably hard considering money and debt, but these things are never easy.

  2. petrichoric December 16, 2011 at 11:06 pm Reply

    Aw, it’s not true that you’re not clever. Now, I never said that! I know all about angsty teenagers and “The Smiths”. Hell, I used to be one of them. But I’m not really sure that I want to be the Morrissey of the blogosphere especially since I’m not as witty and ironic as he is.

    It does help to get all of my thoughts out, that’s for sure, but, on the other hand, whenever I read any of my old posts, nothing ever seems to change, and that’s depressing – and makes me wonder why I bother writing here.

  3. lifeismisery December 16, 2011 at 11:38 pm Reply

    Haha I was just being self-deprecating, I know I’m decently clever. But I did think this username is kind of lame, and was hoping to come up with a better one but then I just decided fuck it and kept it.

    And I think you should just keep being yourself. Opening yourself up does leave you vulnerable, which is why I tend to write fiction because then at least you can mask yourself, but there’s a certain bravery unto letting it all out in the open.

    But yeah, that is the thing I worry about. I’m naturally an optimist, but I worry that I’m just delusional, which I guess keeps me in check. And when I feel bad, I don’t usually share my grief with others in real life. But it’s comforting to know that others feel the same things I feel. But yeah I do worry that I’ll be going through the same thing ten years from now.

    I think the important thing is to just figure out what you really want out of life and what’s important to you, in the simplest terms possible. You can still be happy in poverty if you’ve found an amount of artistic satisfaction or some sort of love or passion, that you’re pursuing. The thing is you have to work hard on those endeavors, and never give up.

    Anyways, I don’t wanna sound preachy, I’m figuring these things out myself, and really I’m talking to myself as much as you. Luckily I’m figuring these things out while I’m young.

    Hopefully you can get out of whatever debts, you can. Then you know figure out what it is exactly that’s making you feel down. Your marriage, lack of excitement, lack of success in artistic endeavors? Then figure out what’s keeping you from getting what you want. Your pets, your husband, fear? If those things are worth the pain you’re feeling then you should find some amount of comfort in that, if not you know maybe it’d be better to pick up and leave.

    But I’m also kind of a romantic and not very realistic. Maybe I’m just giving god awful advice considering the economy we’re in.

    But you do have control over your life, and it just sound like from my uninformed view you just need take some steps toward a drastic change.

  4. lifeismisery December 16, 2011 at 11:49 pm Reply

    I’m slightly embarrassed now that I wrote such a long post. I don’t truly know what your going though and am in no position to really give you advice. But you know, I can relate to what you’re going through.

    • petrichoric December 17, 2011 at 1:37 am Reply

      No need to be embarrassed. But it’s 1:30 a.m., and I really need to get some sleep, so I can’t respond tonight. Sweet dreams.

  5. LazyBuddhist December 17, 2011 at 4:18 pm Reply

    Congrats on the job. And while it may not be your dream job (and honestly, how many of us really ever have that), there is a comfort in the security of good benefits and a stable income. I had to give up berating myself for “selling out” years ago because I realized that both security and freedom have their downsides and, for me, it was a question of which downside was easier to tolerate. Since I have absolutely no safety net in life, I had to chose security. Yes, it does make some of the more fun and satisfying parts of life harder to fit in, but when I’m crazy anxious about money, nothing gets done – fun or otherwise.

    And I completely and utterly understand the discomfort that comes from being the go-to place for suffering souls. I am the #2 I Feel Like Shit site on Google. At first I responded to everyone’s untold suffering. Now I only pipe up when someone sounds suicidal. I have moments when I think I could try and offer advice and comfort to those who are laying their souls bare, but then I choose to watch a cat video on YouTube instead.

    And while I don’t mean to get all Pollyanna on you, change is indeed possible. It just doesn’t always look the way we want it. For myself, I’m working on the inside out. My innards feel different, but outside it looks much the same. And that’s OK. And I guess that’s a good change.

    • petrichoric December 17, 2011 at 10:31 pm Reply

      I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I just googled “I feel like shit”, and you are actually now the #1 site that comes up! Still, this is better than being the 9th site for “how to kill yourself painlessly” – and then, of course, there are all the really weird searches that also bring people to my site, like “how to leave a big mess when you kill yourself” (thoughtful – even in death!) and “how to kill a cat painlessly” (excuse me???!!!).

      Yes, I know what you mean about choosing security. In a weird way, I actually feel like a “real person” now that I know I can go to the doctor and get help. Security might not be very exciting but at least it makes me feel a bit more centred.

      • xul December 23, 2011 at 7:57 pm Reply

        Hey, congrats on the job. At least you have that. And it could be worse…I used to be the #2 site for “sosiopaths” on Norwegian Google. I think I still hold the #4 position for “the little girl in the Cristy Lane commercial” and by far the most hits I get are from people searching for “eye patch bikini.”

  6. VicariousRising December 18, 2011 at 1:29 am Reply

    Congrats on the job & health benefits. Too bad pets arent included.

    To lifeismisery: i like the Smiths but mostly find them hilarious. Maybe because i was 23 when I discovered them & maybe because I spent the first 90% of my life not enough in touch with my inner mope to recognize when I felt depressed. Maybe that’s part of why I adore Petrichoric’s writing so much; she writes things I didn’t realize I felt yet I reverberate when her honesty hits my gut.

  7. lifeismisery December 18, 2011 at 4:13 am Reply

    you know if you just ditched your husband and ran away with me, then all your problems would just disappear.

    • petrichoric December 20, 2011 at 12:52 am Reply

      Sadly, I am not quite yet at the cougar stage. However, I will surely let you know when it gets that far.

      • lifeismisery December 20, 2011 at 7:35 am Reply

        You know, I bet I could get over the fact you’re not quite a cougar real quickly.

      • xul December 23, 2011 at 7:59 pm Reply

        Being a cougar is overrated.

  8. lifeismisery December 19, 2011 at 3:11 am Reply

    or you could just follow my blog, that’d work too.

    • petrichoric December 20, 2011 at 12:51 am Reply

      You’re very cocky, aren’t you? 🙂

      • lifeismisery December 21, 2011 at 6:25 pm Reply

        In more ways than one 😉

  9. lifeismisery December 19, 2011 at 7:40 pm Reply

    Also I’ve been reading through your blog, and did you ever think you quit teaching prematurely? Maybe you should give it another shot.

    You seem like you’d make a great teacher. I know because I’ve had a couple of great teachers.

    • petrichoric December 20, 2011 at 12:54 am Reply

      No, I definitely don’t think that I quit teaching prematurely. Of course it would have been better in a different school but, fundamentally, I just don’t want to teach. I don’t want to run myself into the ground, and deal with a lot of abuse, for such a paltry salary. It’s just not worth it.

  10. lifeismisery December 19, 2011 at 7:42 pm Reply

    Maybe you just need a change of location to teach. As you can probably tell from your husband, midwesterners are pretty nice.

  11. lifeismisery December 19, 2011 at 8:13 pm Reply

    Sorry about all the comments, but I’m stuck at college alone and I’ve been reading through your blog, and I don’t know if you notice comments on old blog posts.

    But it sounds to me is like a lot of your stress is from your marriage is caused by your money problems. You’ve given up your dreams to get a real job while your husband holds steadfast to his despite that you’re both suffering from money problems. This doesn’t sound really realistic to me.

    And even though he loves you and you love him sometimes, it’s not healthy staying a relationship that makes both of your miserable and angry. I think you should give him an ultimatum to at some specific point either finish his graphic novel or get a real job or else you leave him.

    The chance of you leaving him should give him motivation to either finish his graphic novel or get a real job, but if it doesn’t you should ditch him.

  12. Miss Moxie January 1, 2012 at 4:07 am Reply

    I’ve been toying with a similar idea. Choosing to be happy and not dwelling on the negative. It’s much harder to do when your life seems to go to shit. If I could figure out a way to be positive all the time without the aid of drugs or cheesy motivational books or talk shows, well, I’d be fucking Buddha. Good luck in 2012. Let us know how it works out, ya?

  13. lifeismisery January 7, 2012 at 7:30 pm Reply

    Also you should start updating your blog more often. I hate being stuck in the past reading your old posts. I wanna know what’s new. How was your christmas, new years?

    And I want to know more about you in general, like for instance what’s your sign? 😉

    • petrichoric April 28, 2012 at 11:49 pm Reply

      “Lifeismisery”, stop flirting with me. Get off the internet, and go and find a real flesh-and-blood woman who’s your age, and have lots of animalistic sex.

      • lifeismisery April 29, 2012 at 12:20 pm Reply

        Hey who says I can’t do both at the same time?

  14. shrink January 23, 2012 at 9:22 pm Reply

    Happy to read your good news – lifeismisery says so much of your stress is money related and I would add unhappy-at-job stress. So this recent promotion is a big step forward and hopefully you and MM can find some time (and energy, motivation) to plan some fun outings. Try to enjoy one another. It’s easy to get in a rut and start taking chunks out of each others asses. Long term relationships require infusions of good times together – and they don’t always come spontaneously.

  15. lifeismisery February 13, 2012 at 3:05 am Reply

    Hey petri, the new cool thing is photoblogs. you should get with the times. And you should definitely follow mine. http://relaxfloatdownstream.tumblr.com/.

  16. arekino March 21, 2012 at 4:15 am Reply

    >Rationally, I know that I have control over how my life goes so why >does it feel that life is just something that happens to me?

    Well, I, for one, can’t help but wonder what happened next. It’s been 3 months since your last blog post. You haven’t disappeared from the face of the Earth, have you? Or maybe you’re actually reasonably happy now with no need to vent? It would be nice to hear about good things happening to you.

    I’ll just wait.

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