Sh Boom

I’m sure you all saw it coming… MM and I broke up about six weeks ago. It is for the best, but the last six weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. Sadness; guilt; relief; anger; depression and desperation. Every mental health issue I have has been triggered by the break-up.  It was not a good break-up. In fact, it could not have had a worse ending.

I should have written in here to work through it all, but it was all I could do every day to get out of bed in the morning, and go to work. One day soon I will tell the story. But right now I don’t want to think about what happened in the past. I’d rather write about what’s happening right now.

I already have a rebound guy who will henceforth be known as “RG”. He’s a mess. Just divorced two months ago himself; a raging alcoholic and incredibly skinny because, I’m guessing, he gets all his calories from booze. And, oh, did I mention that he sells weed for a living?  I really know how to pick ’em, eh?

I know it’s weak to get involved with somebody else right away, even if only casually. But I guess I need something or somebody to see me through these dark nights. RG, the alcoholic, needs the booze; and I, the love addict, need a delusional hope for love and romance.  The frantic, intense sex (sans condom) is intoxicating. It is some of the best sex I’ve ever had. I had forgotten what passion felt like. I had forgotten what it was like to breathe in a man’s smell, and be turned on just by that alone.  His penis is a like a fucking work of art. An incredibly large work of art! I cannot get enough of it. I never knew that penetrative sex could feel so damn good!

I find the sex confusing. How can it be that I am drawn so intensely to a skinny alcoholic who is not even particularly good-looking? Is it just some kind of weird animal pheromone thing? The last time I felt this way about a man sexually was ten years ago, and that relationship was so horrible that I learned to distrust an intense sexual interest in a man. When I met MM I saw it as a good sign that I didn’t want to rip his clothes off but after our marriage became sexless that didn’t seem like the right way to go either.

Is it that RG and I share a similar kind of pain, and that it’s this that draws us together? Unhealthy people and their unhealthy thoughts and feelings attract each other like magnets.

All of the above are possibilities, and yet I can’t help but feel that maybe there is something more at work. He is just so incredibly easy to be around. He is the wittiest and goofiest man I have ever met. Last night, as we walked in the park with my dogs, he broke into a rendition of “Sh Boom”, complete with all the kooky doo-wop noises, and I joined in, harmonizing. It was one of those “special moments” and I thought it was adorable:

Oh, life would be a dream

If I could take you up in paradise up above

If you could tell me I’m the only one that you love

Life could be a dream, sweetheart

RG is a way worse alcoholic than I imagined, though. On Friday morning, he told me that he had stopped drinking, and that he hadn’t had a drink for “ages”. I thought three, four days maybe. When I asked how long, he said that his last drink was one hour before I came around the night before. He was about eight hours dry! Wow. I knew then that he was not going to be able to detox all by himself. And of course he didn’t. He had to start again to avoid the withdrawal symptoms.

Despite all of this, I find myself worrying about him and developing odd feelings of tenderness. I’m not stupid, though. I’ve been there so many times before…the addict man; and me, the fucked-up woman with a saviour complex who wants to throw all her energy into saving her man to avoid facing her own demons. That won’t be happening this time.

Everything about my life is pretty unhealthy right now. I know I’m making some bad choices. I should be able just to sit with my pain, let myself feel it and work through it on my own. I can’t, though, and that’s fine for now. I’m doing what it takes to get through the night. I refuse to beat myself up about that.

And just like RG knows he needs to check himself into a detox facility, I know that I need to limit my contact with him so I can focus on myself. I can no longer use men as my drug to numb the pain. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. I’m nearly 35. I need to start loving myself and following my dreams and passions. It’s not going to be an easy road, but it will happen….

Rebounding via text – Part 1

Aug 25th 18:13

I need to leave.

Aug 25th 18:32

I hope i see your beautiful face soon.

Aug 25th 18:36

You can call me. But i cant start anything with you. I just need a friend. I can’t do anything more.

Aug 25th 18:47

I understand. i will dump a bucket of cold water on myself. 🙂

Aug 25th 18:59

I am so fucked up right now. It would really fuck me up if I had sex with you. All my life i had sex with guys who didnt give a shit about me. You didnt even remember my name.

Aug 25th 19:22

I feel like an idiot. i tried to forget about you because you are married. dont have sex with me ever. if you need a chum feel free to call

Aug 25th 20:29

What is it you want from me? Be honest. Just a casual, meaningless fuck, right?

Aug 25th 20:47

Honestly…i am a little lonely. you are adorable…i enjoy your company and i can be myself around you

Aug 25th 20:50

Ok, we can hang out. You seem nice. Just please dont fuck me. I will probably want to if I am drunk, but i would regret it. I have nothing but bad experiences with men. I feel kinda broken right now. Just be nice to me. I do need a hug.

Aug 25th 20:53

Deal. a have a basket full of hugs if you ever need to borrow one

Aug 25th 21:07

Any chance you want to share a blanket and watch a movie. i will let you pick the film

Aug 25th 21:09

Not tonight. I am super tired & have work tomorrow. I already flaked out on my friend. We could go see a movie on Thur if you want.


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23 thoughts on “Sh Boom

  1. williamx September 11, 2012 at 2:09 pm Reply

    Hey Pet . . .
    Be free and wild and in pain. Feel these things and all the excitement of doing the wrong things but strongly feeling. Better than feeling nothing at all . . .
    But also be real careful. I’m all fond of you and consider us friends, and I’m a little sensitive to my friends being in bad spaces, becuase it’s happening all around me. Maybe I’m jealous cuz it’s not happening to me and I’m feeling the lack of intimacy and excitement and possibilities. No I totally am jealous, of RG if nothing else but still, be careful anyway. In my opinion you are moving forward, even though it all feels the same, like you’ve been here before . . .

    • petrichoric September 11, 2012 at 6:49 pm Reply

      Ha, don’t worry, Williamx. I will be careful. I’ve already turned him down twice this week when he asked me to come round to his place for dinner. I’m not the most wise person out there, but I do know that I can’t get dragged into his shit. I’m teetering on the edge, but I’m not about to fall in. Maybe I should rename him “Methadone Man”. That’s what I feel he is. A shot of some government-approved heroin substitute that is not exactly healthy but keeps me away from the darker, harder stuff for the time being. I really do know that I need to focus on myself.

      • williamx September 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm Reply

        That’s damned heartening to read Petrichoric Awesome. In that case, don’t think to much at all, trust your intuition, Enjoy. I’ve been watching old episodes of Rome, reading histories of the 14th century and Joan of Arc, and talking with old army buds. so I’m a little bloody minded and all too present. That said, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may be eating sand.

  2. Gina Preston September 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm Reply

    I’m sorry to hear about your marriage although not surprised, I guess. As for the rebound – just don’t get yourself into a pickle now, will you? No idea what id this comment will appear under – I haven’t read any blogs in months and months – but it’s me Reluctant Blogger xx

    • petrichoric September 13, 2012 at 8:29 pm Reply

      I think it’s safe to say that I will always get myself into a pickle, Reluctant Blogger. Sad but true. But is SOOOOOO good to hear from you again! I was just thinking about you yesterday, and wondering “Oh, where is she?! Will she come back?!” What about you are? Are you still blogging?

  3. vicariousrising September 16, 2012 at 10:20 am Reply

    I’m not sure what I want to say in response because I’m in no position to judge or advise given that I’m still married but want desperately to sleep with my guitar teacher. Heck, I read this and all I want to do is ask you advice on how to seduce someone because I’m practically Victorian as far as any of that goes, much to my dismay.

    • petrichoric September 17, 2012 at 12:29 am Reply

      I don’t think you have to do much to seduce men. They’re ridiculously simple creatures. As far as Mr Guitar Teacher is concerned, how about doing a Sharon Stone in her “Basic Instinct” phase? You could forget to wear some knickers the day of your lesson, and flash him! 🙂 Do you really want to shag your guitar teacher, though, or is this just a lustful crush thing that you don’t really want to make reality?

      • vicariousrising September 17, 2012 at 1:27 am Reply

        You know, people keep telling me this about men. How did I get this far in life being so utterly clueless?

        Actually, I don’t think that’s true. Getting random guys to want me happens when I don’t want it to. I find that all vaguely flattering and annoying when they try to invade my space.

        It’s the significantly smaller list of men who I actually would welcome touching me that gets me in a twist. And this whole guitar teacher thing? It’s feeling like a runaway train to me. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I just can’t stop thinking about him and what I want to do to him…

        • petrichoric September 17, 2012 at 7:00 pm Reply

          Such is life….all the good, sweet, solid-as-a-rock guys are never the ones who make the first move. I was in a bar recently when this very drunk guy came up to my friend and I, and asked to join us. When we said we were having a private conversation, he yelled “Are you lesbians??!”. I don’t know why it’s only ugly, stupid, arrogant men who come up to women. Then again, if the men I really wanted approached me, I would probably be bored, as I do like a challenge!

          As regards your guitar teacher, the idealistic part of me that wants to believe in true love would say “Oh, don’t jeopardize your marriage!” because I want to believe that I could commit to one person without wanting to fuck the shit out of other people from time to time. However, the older I get, I just don’t know if this is ever going to happen. I thought that if I met the right person, I wouldn’t want to sleep with other people, or if I did, it would just be a passing fancy. In all honesty, I just don’t know if I can be faithful. I wish we could all fuck around as much as we wanted to, but if my partner did that, I couldn’t handle the jealousy.

          Basically, I have got nothing useful to say about your guitar teacher situation. It would make for some very interesting blogging if you did shag him, though! 🙂 Perhaps you could justify it as being an experience that’s good for your writing? 🙂

          • vicariousrising September 18, 2012 at 7:34 am Reply

            Yes, “I’m sleeping with you for research purposes. My blog needs interesting fodder.” Bwahahaha!

            I dunno. There’s more going on in my own situation than I’ve blogged about. Nothing remotely tawdry, unfortunately. I haven’t had sex with anyone but my hitachi since April. :p

            • petrichoric September 18, 2012 at 9:39 pm Reply

              I have no idea what a “Hitachi” is. I googled and the best I could find was “power tool”. I really hope you’re not having sex with a power tool because, well, that could really hurt. Ohhhhhhh…I just re-googled. It’s a vibrator! Well, we both know that it’s not good that you and your husband haven’t fucked since April. Been there; done that. You can either pour a lot of work into your marriage (I didn’t have the energy) or you can fuck your guitar teacher and be done with it. I have no fucking idea what to advise you. Life/marriage/relationships are so hard. But your blog would be very interesting if you wrote about this stuff!

              • vicariousrising September 19, 2012 at 12:46 am Reply

                Um, yes, hitachi=power tool. Very nice one.

                Not having sex since April is at least the majority of my fault — I avoid being in bed with my husband at the same time. Not because he’s not gorgeous or nice or lovable. It’s because I’m just not turned on.

                My guitar teacher, twenty-something man (not a boy, but with boyish qualities) — totally knocked nearly all my defenses down — has gotten me in wrecked territory. At this point, all I can think is the certainty that he is going to break my heart will be worth it.

                So, can you explain your savior complex a bit more? Given your past, I wonder how it may or may not fit into resolving it? And I possible ask because I put my (admittedly few) male objects of affection on pedestals. Which seems to work for them. Lol.

                • petrichoric September 19, 2012 at 1:28 am Reply

                  Again, I don’t know what to say about the “not wanting to fuck your husband” thing. MM was a really handsome guy but, for some reason, he just didn’t do it for me sexually. I have no idea why. On the other hand, Rebound Guy (a skinny alcoholic wreck) drove me insane. It makes no fucking sense. But there were so many other things wrong with the relationship with MM and I’m sure that fed into my lack of sexual desire for him. If you love your husband and truly want to stay with him, you should just shag him – but, hey, you know that.

                  As for Mr. Guitar teacher….20-something? Ha, you know you’re a cougar, right? 🙂 I’m definitely seeing some interesting blogging potential here. Perhaps a new blog title? “Cougar rising”? Do you really like the guitar teacher? Or is this some kind of love addiction thing? I don’t mean to be insulting. I just know that I use men/relationships as a drug (mainly because I’m so much of a lightweight that I’d be dead within a week if I binged on drugs or booze) so I was wondering if this is what is happening with you.

                  My savior complex? I don’t think it’s strictly accurate to say that I have one anymore. I could feel little bits of it pop out with Rebound Guy, but I’ve been down that road before, and I knew that focusing on a man’s issues is just a way to avoid dealing with mine. It wasn’t his fucked-up-ness that was attracting me. Instead, it was his emotional unavailability, which made me feel rejected and abandoned, and that I needed to prove I was worthy of his attention.

                  • vicariousrising September 19, 2012 at 9:29 am Reply

                    You did not use the “cougar” word. I’m in denial, for crissakes!

                    Sent from my iPhone

          • vicariousrising September 18, 2012 at 7:37 am Reply

            Oh, and don’t give up on yourself and love (as if, but you know what I mean — the real thing and not just using your sexuality to bind a guy to you. Um, sorry if that’s an overstatement.)

            You really are a wonderful person who has a lot to offer the right guy. I think that when he shows up, you’re not going to know what to do with yourself, that a bunch of your long-held defenses will fall away.

            • petrichoric September 18, 2012 at 9:42 pm Reply

              I don’t think I used my sexuality to bind myself to Rebound Guy. I was just horny. I was actually upset to think that he probably only wanted me for sex. I wanted him to want all of me, not just my pussy. But fuck Rebound Guy. He ain’t worth spending a whole blog sentence on, let alone a full blog post – and comments to boot!

              I don’t know about my defenses “falling away” if I met the right guy. I think I would be fucking terrified and would run a mile.

              • vicariousrising September 19, 2012 at 12:31 am Reply

                Yes, fucj RG. Or rather , do not. He didn’t deserve you.

                • petrichoric September 19, 2012 at 1:16 am Reply

                  Oh, but he had such a large penis! It was a delight! And that hairy chest! Mmmmm mmmmm.

                  • vicariousrising September 19, 2012 at 4:57 am Reply

                    Um, cant argue against any of those things.

                    • petrichoric September 19, 2012 at 5:58 pm

                      If only his penis were detachable, and I could distill his pheromones and make them into air freshener.

  4. petrichoric September 19, 2012 at 5:59 pm Reply

    And, yes, you are a cougar! A sexy cougar! 🙂

  5. c-y October 7, 2012 at 12:46 am Reply

    Sorry to hear but from all you’ve written this break up is a step in a healthy direction. RG, not so much but I do understand the lonliness and the distraction a man can bring. Does a virtual hug help?

    • petrichoric October 7, 2012 at 7:36 pm Reply

      Hello! Yes, a virtual hug does indeed help! Can you send one every day? :-/

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