It is now nearly twenty-four hours since I sent my last text to RG asking him if he wants to get together on Thursday night. He still hasn’t responded. He was never someone who replied to texts straight away, but he has always responded before this. I guess this silence of his just means “no” but he is not mature enough to call me to tell me so.
I’m about to take my dogs to the park, and I was sorely tempted to text him to ask if wants to come with me, but I have managed to restrain myself. He would probably just ignore that text as well, and then I would be in even more pain than before. I just have to face the fact that he very well might not ever contact me again, and that he doesn’t want me.
I’m trying to take it “one day at a time” as they say in AA. If I tell myself that RG will never contact me again and that I should not contact him to chase after him, I start to panic. But if I can just get through one day at a time I know the pain will start to subside. It’s already nearly twenty-four hours since I contacted him last. And if I can get through tomorrow, then it will be forty-eight hours, and the day after that it will be seventy-two hours…
I’ve been through this very same thing ten years ago – obsessed with a guy who was emotionally unavailable. There was this dance of him pulling away, and me pushing, chasing after him, which of course made him pull away all the more. When that relationship ended, I think I had a nervous breakdown. To this day, it was the absolute worst period of my life. The break-up with MM doesn’t even begin to compare although I was actually married to him.
I survived, though. I’m still alive. “Time heals” yadda yadda yadda. If I can just sit still, feel the pain, but not let it drive me to take extreme measures, I know I will be OK. The scary thing is that “OK” is not the same thing as “happy”. Ten years after that last obsessive relationship, I am still incredibly lonely and empty inside. Every so often that guy still pops up in my dreams. This makes me worry about the RG situation as well. I know I’ll get over it, but what’s the point, I wonder, if there’s not this new, happy existence on the other side?
Between the ages of around fifteen/sixteen I was bulimic. It was never serious enough for me to be hospitalized but it still fucked up my life (and if you’re wondering what the fuck this has got to do with RG, I will tell you in a second). I was obsessed with food, and thinking about it and how to lose weight took up so much of my brain space. When my bulimia reached an all time nadir, I finally realized that I couldn’t continue to devote so much of my energy to obsessing over food. As a feminist, I felt that my all-consuming focus on my body was a betrayal of all the strong women who had fought for women’s rights, and for me to fulfill my potential. So, instead of dieting, and then binge eating, I forced myself to sit down at the table three times a day, and eat a healthy, balanced meal. It was torture at first, but, quite quickly, I got better. My poor body, which had previously yo-yoed between starvation and a carbohydrate high, was balanced for the first time in years. I actually lost weight without trying.
I think I should try a similar tactic to get through this situation with RG. Even though my heart doesn’t really believe it yet, my rational mind knows that I am smart, funny, beautiful and creative. RG does not appreciate me, and he never will. What a travesty, then, for me to waste all my energy on romantic intrigue! Why can I not channel this energy into something much more positive and creative, like my writing and singing?
The answer to this is that I can and I just fucking have to. It’s a matter of survival.