I am back! I am back to being my sexy, sassy, smart and sophisticated self! I feel so confident! I don’t feel lonely. I don’t feel that the world is a dark place. I feel that it is exciting! I feel that things will be OK! I don’t give a fuck about RG anymore. Fuck that immature, spiritually and emotionally bereft scumbag!
Earlier today I was not doing at all well. I found myself sobbing when I thought about how RG might not contact me again. And when I say “sobbing”, I don’t mean that I was all “boo hoo hoo sniff”. I mean really fucking sobbing. I was also overcome with raging paranoia. I couldn’t seem to understand who RG was, or what had just happened. I began to think of him as this evil person, and for a little while it felt like my world was totally shaken because I asked myself “Who can I trust?” If you’d walked in on me, I would have scuttled into a corner like a wounded, wild animal and I’d have lashed out at you if you tried to get near.
A little while later, however, I started to think “Oh, RG really isn’t all that bad”, and I’d imagine how great it would be to go out with him. Later still, I’d switch again, and understand that things are probably over between us, and, oh, the world seemed so dark. I wish I could describe to you just how dark things seemed, but it’s hard to find the words. There was just this void inside of me, and I felt that I had nothing or nobody.
Around 5:00 p.m. I had some lawyer-y stuff to deal with regarding MM which set me off into another paranoid episode. I actually started to think that MM had hired private investigators and that they were probably watching my every move. I even went outside, fully expecting to see some dude sitting in a car with a long-lens camera to take pictures of me à la Kristen Stewart. Given the circumstances, it wasn’t entirely cuckoo for me to be a little concerned, but there was really no need for such paranoia.
And now….well, now I feel just hunky-dory. It is not normal to have so many mood swings in one day. It just isn’t. And don’t try to tell me that it’s normal because I’m going through a break-up. This is how I am all the fucking time! The worst thing about this is that it makes my sense of reality very precarious. Since my moods, sense of myself and other people change so fast, it is really, really hard for me to know what’s real.
When I first started to notice my mood swings, I knew something was up so I spent hours (hours!) googling bipolar disorder, hoping that this was what it was I had. Now, I don’t mean to diminish the suffering of anyone who actually does suffer from bipolar disorder but, well, let’s face it – bipolar is kinda “sexy” as far as mental health diagnoses are concerned. Think about all those famous people who were said to have bipolar disorder – Virginia Woolf, Stephen Fry, Kristin Hersh, Sinead O’Connor, possibly Sylvia Plath etc. All of these people are extremely creative and smart, and it’s often said that there’s a link between bipolar disorder and being a genius. Since I am clearly a genius, this diagnosis seemed to fit for me.
However, the information I found online about bipolar mood swings said that they come usually out of the blue. This is not the case for me at all. It is very clear to me that my moods are caused by some external event or trigger.
This led me to discover another psychiatric illness which is decidedly less than “sexy”- borderline personality disorder. Some of you might not know what this is, so this website will tell you everything you need to know, plus give you a list of “symptoms”. I could practically tick off every box in that list of symptoms. This did not make me happy because well, first of all, borderline personality disorder is a pretty sexist diagnosis. It is also a diagnosis which has a lot of stigma. Can you think of one single public figure who has ever admitted to having it? Who are the role models for people suffering with BPD? Let me tell you – nobody!
Basically, people (or, more likely, women) with BPD are seen as being crazy-ass bitches. The depiction of BPD women goes something like this:
I hate this potential diagnosis. I do have a psychiatrist who has diagnosed me with having a “mood disorder” which is marginally better.
The problem with having a “mood disorder” is that it’s pretty hard to take your illness seriously when 50% of the time you feel absolutely bloody fine. Right now I have no desire to contact or see RG. I can see clearly that he’s no good for me, and the idea of not having him in my life does not make me want to slit my wrists.
And speaking of slitting my wrists, sometimes I will seriously contemplate suicide, and I will be deeply depressed, but a couple of hour later I’ll be dancing around the house singing cheery songs.
I’m hoping that writing about all my dark moment in here will help me remember that I do still need to seek help although sometimes I feel fine. I’m thinking of going back to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings and – since there is just one weekly women-only meeting in this town – it might also be a good idea for me to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, too. If the truth be told, I don’t think I’m an alcoholic at all, but I don’t think it’s good for somebody with such intense mood swings and problems with impulsivity to drink. I don’t know if I should go to AA, though. I mean, I would be really sad to think that I will never again drink red wine, and while I am fine with having a prolonged break from alcohol, I have no intention of stopping completely.