Yup, more than 72 hours have now passed without receiving a text from RG. However, to frame this in an entirely more positive light – it’s also been more than 72 hours since I last contacted that no-good, lying, cheating, man-whoring, head fucking, immature, drunken bastard!
I can’t say I haven’t been tempted, though. I spent most of the day feeling really upbeat but then, on the drive home from my therapist’s appointment, I became melancholy all of a sudden. I started to feel very sorry for RG. I do genuinely think that he is, behind his cocky attitude, kinda sensitive and suffering from low self-esteem. He once told me that he cries every single night, and my heart melted. Honestly, I do think that this guy has a lot of pain. I wanted to send him a wee text, saying “I know things are over, but I wish you all the best”. But, you know what? Fuck that shit! What about my pain? I bet he’s not sitting at home blogging about me and feeling bad about my pain. Nah, he’s probably sitting in the local bar right this very moment without a care in the world. Pffft.
I don’t get it. What is it that I see in these damaged men? Why does their pain melt my heart and make me think I’m in love with them? Why?! Why?! Why?! I can’t fix them. What a fucking colossal waste of time!
While I was still in my “ooh-we’re- connected-cosmically-because-we-share-the-same-pain” mode, I googled RG and discovered that – in a past life – he was into gardening (he had actually mentioned this to me before) and that he had once been a boy scout. My mind started conjuring up all kinds of possibilities about the future RG. Let me tell you about them:
Fantasy: RG will go into rehab, get himself all fixed out, and then we’ll have this great relationship. We’ll grow all kinds of beautiful flowers, vegetables and fruit in our garden. Each night as the sun sets we will wander through our garden, hand-in-hand, looking at what we have grown together. It will be a fucking bucolic paradise, symbolic of the deep and pure love we have for each other!
Reality: All the vegetables in the garden will rot because RG will be too wasted to tend to them thus turning the garden into a stinking, pestilent morass. Instead of fertilizer in the flower beds, there would be vomit from yet another one of his drinking binges.
Fantasy: I will give birth to RG’s children, and our son will be a boy scout, too. Off he will go on his camping trips, with the scoutmaster smiling benignly in the background, to learn leadership skills and develop a strong character. He will be a fine, upstanding citizen our boy!
Reality: RG will be arrested for a DUI on his way to the Cub Scout Den to pick up our male progeny. The poor wee soul will be left standing there for hours and will consequently be molested by the scoutmaster, an event that will cause him to have a drug and alcohol-fueld psychotic breakdown fifteen years later.
But enough about RG…I am so confused about men. I find myself googling stuff like “When is the right time to sleep with a man?”. There is a lot of really fucking confusing stuff out there, but the most useful tip I read was “whenever you are sure he is actually interested in you, and doesn’t just want to get into your knickers”. I like this advice, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow because I’m not in the business of just using people and taking from them to gratify my own ego. It kinda sucks that I have to think that some men think this way. My own mother once told me: “Men don’t respect women who sleep with them too quickly”. My mother was a prudish old cow, so the sixteen-year-old feminist me thought “Fuck that shit! I will do what I want whenever I want”. I hate to admit that she was fucking right. It’s the fucking 21st century, though! Why do I have to worry about men thinking of penetrative sex as some kind of conquest?! Shouldn’t we be beyond that by now? Ugh!
I mentioned to my therapist that I am going to attend the one and only women-only Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting there is in this city. I’ve been to mixed-gender meetings before and it was kinda icky to hear men talk all about their porn addiction or whatever. I mean, it’s great they’re trying to work through their issues, but I just don’t need to be in a room with male sex addicts. No thanks!
I also mentioned to my therapist that I would like to try online dating and start another blog all about that. She was, like, “Noooooo! Not a good idea! You need to focus on yourself and your interests”. This is perhaps the only time she has ever come out and said I shouldn’t do something. Part of me thinks “Hmmmm, she might be right”. As a potential sex and love addict, could I just be trying to create a new way for me to get my fix from men and romantic intrigue by spinning this whole tale of needing material for a new blog?
I know I’m not ready for a relationship but, at the same time, my libido was reawakened by RG (one of the few positive things to come out of our “relationship”) and I find the idea of abstaining from sex completely depressing (is this something you even need to do when you attend SLAA meetings?!). I feel like I would like to date a few men casually just to learn how to take things slowly, and to have the means of comparing men. For example, when I went out with Mr. Ford Galaxie 500 last Friday, he took me to a fancy French restaurant and bought all the food and drinks. I’m not suggesting that I’m a spoiled princess who wants to be pampered by men but, well, MM was always too much of a skinflint starving artist to go to restaurants with me and RG never took me on a proper date (although he did ask me at one point and I freaked out about it, and told him I wasn’t ready). It is just nice to have a man wine and dine you on occasion, and when you have one man do that for you, it’s easier to see that the one who is too lazy/disrespectful or broke to do so should be kicked to the curb. All my life I’ve either been single or I’ve shone my love headlights obsessively on only one man at a time. Quite frankly, it would be nice just to date casually and see what’s out there, instead of meeting one guy who pushes all my buttons and focusing my everything on him.
Finally, dating would be something to do one night a week. I know that’s a terrible way of looking at it but, well, my friends always want to go to the same places/do the same things, and it does get a tad boring. It seems kinda fun to meet a brand new person each week, and to go to different restaurants or places with them.
Honestly, I really am quite taken by the idea of blogging about my dating adventures. Not in a manipulative way, but more along the lines of “well, I’ve chosen really bad men before, so let me try something new”.
Then again, maybe it’s completely unhealthy to see men/dating as an exciting thing to do at the weekend. Maybe I should be creating my own excitement. Am I just looking for more sexual and romantic intrigue?
What do you think? To date casually or to not date casually?