He’s Just Not That Into Me


Yup, more than 72 hours have now passed without receiving a text from RG. However, to frame this in an entirely more positive light – it’s also been more than 72 hours since I last contacted that no-good, lying, cheating, man-whoring, head fucking, immature, drunken bastard!

I can’t say I haven’t been tempted, though. I spent most of the day feeling really upbeat but then, on the drive home from my therapist’s appointment, I became melancholy all of a sudden. I started to feel very sorry for RG. I do genuinely think that he is, behind his cocky attitude, kinda sensitive and suffering from low self-esteem. He once told me that he cries every single night, and my heart melted. Honestly, I do think that this guy has a lot of pain. I wanted to send him a wee text, saying “I know things are over, but I wish you all the best”. But, you know what? Fuck that shit! What about my pain? I bet he’s not sitting at home blogging about me and feeling bad about my pain. Nah, he’s probably sitting in the local bar right this very moment without a care in the world. Pffft.

I don’t get it. What is it that I see in these damaged men? Why does their pain melt my heart and make me think I’m in love with them? Why?! Why?! Why?! I can’t fix them. What a fucking colossal waste of time!

While I was still in my “ooh-we’re- connected-cosmically-because-we-share-the-same-pain” mode, I googled RG and discovered that – in a past life – he was into gardening (he had actually mentioned this to me before) and that he had once been a boy scout. My mind started conjuring up all kinds of possibilities about the future RG. Let me tell you about them:

Fantasy: RG will go into rehab, get himself all fixed out, and then we’ll have this great relationship. We’ll grow all kinds of beautiful flowers, vegetables and fruit in our garden. Each night as the sun sets we will wander through our garden, hand-in-hand, looking at what we have grown together. It will be a fucking bucolic paradise, symbolic of the deep and pure love we have for each other!

Reality: All the vegetables in the garden will rot because RG will be too wasted to tend to them thus turning the garden into a stinking, pestilent morass. Instead of fertilizer in the flower beds, there would be vomit from yet another one of his drinking binges.

Fantasy: I will give birth to RG’s children, and our son will be a boy scout, too. Off he will go on his camping trips, with the scoutmaster smiling benignly in the background, to learn leadership skills and develop a strong character. He will be a fine, upstanding citizen our boy!

Reality: RG will be arrested for a DUI on his way to the Cub Scout Den to pick up our male progeny. The poor wee soul will be left standing there for hours and will consequently be molested by the scoutmaster, an event that will cause him to have a drug and alcohol-fueld psychotic breakdown fifteen years later.

But enough about RG…I am so confused about men. I find myself googling stuff like “When is the right time to sleep with a man?”. There is a lot of really fucking confusing stuff out there, but the most useful tip I read was “whenever you are sure he is actually interested in you, and doesn’t just want to get into your knickers”. I like this advice, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow because I’m not in the business of just using people and taking from them to gratify my own ego. It kinda sucks that I have to think that some men think this way. My own mother once told me: “Men don’t respect women who sleep with them too quickly”. My mother was a prudish old cow, so the sixteen-year-old feminist me thought “Fuck that shit! I will do what I want whenever I want”. I hate to admit that she was fucking right. It’s the fucking 21st century, though! Why do I have to worry about men thinking of penetrative sex as some kind of conquest?! Shouldn’t we be beyond that by now? Ugh!

I mentioned to my therapist that I am going to attend the one and only women-only Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting there is in this city. I’ve been to mixed-gender meetings before and it was kinda icky to hear men talk all about their porn addiction or whatever. I mean, it’s great they’re trying to work through their issues, but I just don’t need to be in a room with male sex addicts. No thanks!

I also mentioned to my therapist that I would like to try online dating and start another blog all about that. She was, like, “Noooooo! Not a good idea! You need to focus on yourself and your interests”. This is perhaps the only time she has ever come out and said I shouldn’t do something. Part of me thinks “Hmmmm, she might be right”. As a potential sex and love addict, could I just be trying to create a new way for me to get my fix from men and romantic intrigue by spinning this whole tale of needing material for a new blog?

I know I’m not ready for a relationship but, at the same time, my libido was reawakened by RG (one of the few positive things to come out of our “relationship”) and I find the idea of abstaining from sex completely depressing (is this something you even need to do when you attend SLAA meetings?!). I feel like I would like to date a few men casually just to learn how to take things slowly, and to have the means of comparing men. For example, when I went out with Mr. Ford Galaxie 500 last Friday, he took me to a fancy French restaurant and bought all the food and drinks. I’m not suggesting that I’m a spoiled princess who wants to be pampered by men but, well, MM was always too much of a skinflint starving artist to go to restaurants with me and RG never took me on a proper date (although he did ask me at one point and I freaked out about it, and told him I wasn’t ready). It is just nice to have a man wine and dine you on occasion, and when you have one man do that for you, it’s easier to see that the one who is too lazy/disrespectful or broke to do so should be kicked to the curb. All my life I’ve either been single or I’ve shone my love headlights obsessively on only one man at a time.  Quite frankly, it would be nice just to date casually and see what’s out there, instead of meeting one guy who pushes all my buttons and focusing my everything on him.

Finally, dating would be something to do one night a week. I know that’s a terrible way of looking at it but, well, my friends always want to go to the same places/do the same things, and it does get a tad boring. It seems kinda fun to meet a brand new person each week, and to go to different restaurants or places with them.

Honestly, I really am quite taken by the idea of blogging about my dating adventures. Not in a manipulative way, but more along the lines of “well, I’ve chosen really bad men before, so let me try something new”.

Then again, maybe it’s completely unhealthy to see men/dating as an exciting thing to do at the weekend. Maybe I should be creating my own excitement. Am I just looking for more sexual and romantic intrigue?

What do you think? To date casually or to not date casually?

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19 thoughts on “He’s Just Not That Into Me

  1. vicariousrising September 26, 2012 at 11:58 pm Reply

    I’ve never been able to date casually. I wouldn’t say I’m a prude, but I probably fall in the seriously low end of romantic/sexual partners relative to others my age (and probably even many older ones). So I’m a terrible person to give advice on this. I freaked out when friends tried to fix me up on blind dates. Maybe I’ve got a bit if a Madonna/whore thing going. I dunno. Lol. I have no idea how to answer your question other than that Internet dating seems to feed into fantasy more than reality.

  2. xul September 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm Reply

    You can count me as one of those in the low end of dating experience. However, I *did* try internet dating once. It was one of those free trial ones. It was mostly dirty old men and assorted losers, but I did actually meet one guy who was nice. He was much younger than I was. We sent a few emails back and forth and we eventually went out. He was nice but too immature. I had a nice time on that one date but overall it was too much of a waste of time and energy at that point in my life.

    • petrichoric September 27, 2012 at 6:30 pm Reply

      I think internet dating used to have a sort of “desperado” vibe to it, but times have changed. Honestly, I would *never* have tried internet dating even five years ago, but I actually know quite a few people who met their loves via an internet dating site – and their partners are just normal people, not weirdoes or losers. But, well, I do think it would be much cooler to meet somebody in a traditionally romantic way. But, hey, the way people have “dated” evolves in every age. In the 1800s (and maybe early in the 1900s?) people of a certain social class had their mates chosen for them by their family; then in the modern age, we started to believe that “romance” and “true love” should be the foundation of a relationship; and now we have internet dating where you’re sort of exploring all options, meeting people you might not have met otherwise. I’m not saying this way of going about things is an improvement, but it might be worth a try.

      • xul September 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm Reply

        LOL I think it actually was five years ago that I tried the internet thing! It was two years after the disastrous experience with the Head-Fucker in Chef(who I met via the internet). Man, I can’t believe it took me that long to recover from that asshole. Anyway, it seemed like a good way to meet new people. It wasn’t all horrible, and like you say, some of those sites have vastly improved since then. And it is easier to meet people with similar interests or whatever on the internet. Hey, my current favorite peeps are all internet peeps! 🙂

        • petrichoric September 27, 2012 at 7:59 pm Reply

          Are you single at the moment? Maybe you should try the internet dating thing again. According to my friends, OKCupid is a good site. Who was the Head Fucker? I don’t remember hearing about him, and how long did it take you to get over him?

          • xul September 27, 2012 at 8:49 pm Reply

            Oy vey! It’s all a very loooong story that I’d sooner forget. Maybe one day I’ll get around to writing about it on my blog.

            • petrichoric September 28, 2012 at 2:06 pm Reply

              You should. It would be interesting to hear about!

  3. darwinsblade September 27, 2012 at 1:23 pm Reply

    I think you should do what is right for you. You are not womankind. You are not feminism incarnate. You are just Petrichor, a person who is probably a sex and love addict (have you been fantasizing about Mr. Ford Galaxie 500 BTW?).

    What does your psychiatrist think about the casual dating question?

    • petrichoric September 27, 2012 at 6:40 pm Reply

      No, I have not been fantasizing about Mr. Ford Galaxie 500! I don’t fantasize about every man out there, you know! In fact, there are very few men out there who push my buttons. I just wasn’t attracted to Mr. Ford Galaxie 500. He actually nibbled on my shoulder in the restaurant which I thought was super weird. He is half-Italian, I suppose, but, well, I’m a cold-hearted, uptight Northern European and I don’t take kindly to people invading my personal space when I barely know them. I will admit that I did internet stalk him before we went out, though, which is probably just as bad as shoulder nibbling. Damn, I knew everything about him down to how much he earned (around 70K), and how many cats he had (2) . But, well, if you must put that information out there, you cannae really blame researcher-moi for finding out about it.

      As regards my psychiatrist, I have no idea what she thinks about the casual dating thing. I have an appointment with her tomorrow, and I might mention it, but issues like that are more in the realm of a therapist than a psychiatrist who focuses more on medication. I’m not really sure what I think about it. Sometimes I think, oh, this is such a bad idea because I do tend to get very obsessive about men, and spend an inordinate about of time and energy focusing on them. I really don’t need that right now. However, on the other hand, I’m 34 fucking years old. I don’t feel like putting myself back on the shelf entirely.

      • xul September 27, 2012 at 7:35 pm Reply

        You’re starting to sound like me! Cold-hearted, uptight Northern European lineage with personal space issues, who internet “stalks” people. And damn straight! What do they expect when they put info out there for all to see? LOL

        • petrichoric September 27, 2012 at 8:02 pm Reply

          Oooh, I hope you haven’t internet-stalked me! Yeah, I’m very Northern European when it comes to physical contact with strangers (except, of course, when it comes to unavailable men. Then I can’t wait to get my knickers off and have condom-less sex. Hmmmmm). I just think that physical affection should be reserved for those you give a shit about. I’ve gotten better over the years. After living in France, and being traumatized by all the fucking cheek kissing, I learned to tolerate a degree of physical contact but I still don’t especially like being hugged by strangers. It seems so fake.

          • xul September 27, 2012 at 8:47 pm Reply

            Yeah, I know what you mean. Where I live it’s the Hispanics and Jewish women who are all huggy-kissy. It’s very uncomfortable when you are raised with very few physical displays of affection, especially by strangers.

            • petrichoric September 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm Reply

              Ha, it seems like all my readers are hug-aversive. What a bunch of uptight crackers we are! 🙂

          • vicariousrising September 27, 2012 at 9:16 pm Reply

            Damn, I thought being 3rd generation American would’ve made more of a difference, but I guess my Irish roots must be partly responsible for my personal reserve too, lol. Actually, one of my closet friends is Croatian (not Northern Europe, I know), but she talks about how Americans are like peaches whereas Europeans are like coconuts. I’m definitely a coconut. The problem is when the inappropriate guy breaks through my outer core and then my sense if boundaries gets cloudy as shit.

            • petrichoric September 28, 2012 at 2:07 pm Reply

              Yup, I’m the same. Definitely a coconut, and I definitely also have very poor interpersonal boundaries when it comes to inappropriate men. 😦

              • vicariousrising September 29, 2012 at 4:41 am Reply

                It’s hard when I don’t understand how or why the very small handful of men who bust through my coconut shell are able to do so with seemingly no effort on their part.

                Maybe that’s how it is for you too? It’s a disarmament thing.

                • petrichoric September 29, 2012 at 5:13 am Reply

                  Well, I think they tap into whatever issues our fucked-up parents caused us to develop as children. In my case, neither one of my parents was emotionally present, and then I got bullied a lot at school, so I think I’ve always suffered with low self-esteem. When I meet emotionally unavailable men to whom I’m sexually attracted (very few men do attract me) they drive me insane. I think I feel that if I can get them to want me then I’ll be a worthwhile, special person. Also, the thrill of the “chase” is very intoxicating for me.

      • arekino September 28, 2012 at 1:57 pm Reply

        I didn’t know that about the psychiatrist. I guess I meant therapist then. Sorry about that.

        • petrichoric September 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm Reply

          Yeah, psychiatrists and therapists are two different things. The psychiatrist diagnoses you with a mental health issue, and prescribes the medication whereas the therapist is the “talk-therapy” person.

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