Parce que je le vaux bien!

As you perhaps expected, my resolve in Friday’s post to never contact RG again faded by the end of Friday and into Saturday morning. I even drunk texted him again saying that if we were to see each other at some point again in the future he should come to my place since – in my poor deluded mind – I felt that this would give me more power. He replied saying he was OK with this, and that sparked off all these fantasies of him coming round, us drinking red wine, smoking some weed and having amazing sex. I even went so far as to look at duvet covers in the “Bed, Bath and Beyond” online store since I decided that my bed could definitely do with a little bit of sprucing up for RG (I bet he never even changed the sheets between fucking me and having his “friend” from Colorado over. Ha!).

I then started to obsess about how much time I should let elapse before contacting him again for sex. One week would obviously appear too keen, I told myself; hmmm, two weeks might be a bit too soon, also; what about three weeks, then? A month? I think I eventually settled on waiting until his birthday on November 20th.

I imagined RG sitting at home waiting for me to call, wondering why I hadn’t and realizing he had been a fool. I didn’t expect him to call me, of course, but obviously this would be because he’s a wounded little animal right now, terrified of commitment. Really he’s crazy about me, but just can’t admit it to himself.

How can it be that I continue to create these little fantasies about his supposed “feelings” for me?!. I’ve even written on here about how there was never anything between us, and that I had just created everything in my head. Why is it that I then can’t stop myself from creating more fantasies? Why can’t I remember the harm these fantasies cause? I need to fucking remember, goddammit!

Last night I went to get a Brazilian wax done, and thank God I did since my aesthetician is amazing. She actually managed to talk some sense into me. She’s this feisty Mexican-American with a trace of Spanish in her accent when she speaks English. I love her bawdy sense of humour and the way she cuts through your bullshit in a really warm, kind way.

It wasn’t that she told me anything new (um, that RG is a huge fucking loser and that I’m wasting my time) but I guess I was just finally ready to hear what people were telling me, and she was the perfect person to listen to.

You probably don’t believe me but I am soooooo ovaaaaaaah that motherfucker. True, I occasionally have wee pangs when I think about the sex we had, and if I saw him again in our local bar, I might have a “relapse”. This is why I am going to be staying away from that place for a couple of months. But, really, I can see him for what he is now. A fucked-up, alcoholic loser with no job who I let take advantage of me! I don’t know whether to be more disgusted with him or with myself. I can’t believe that I actually chased somebody like that.

I have chased men my entire fucking life. Now, don’t get me wrong. 99.99% of the time I am not desperate in the slightest. In fact, I am not romantically or sexually interested in the vast majority of men I meet. However, here is the lethal combination for me:

sexual attraction + emotional unavailability + emotional intensity + “little wounded animal” man

The problem with most men like this is that they they love sexual conquests, so they will do their everything to “hook” the woman. Their low self-esteem and fragile egos need to have as many attractive women as possible interested in them. To this end, there’s a fucking charm offensive. RG was like that, making me think that he was “sensitive”, that he “understood” me, that he, too, was “in pain” right now’. Everything was so fucking intoxicatingly intense. They know this is what women love to hear, and then you’re hooked! But the problem is that once you’re hooked, you want more of the same, but then men like RG freak the fuck out and back off; this makes you panic, so you chase, and they back off all the more.

I do think that RG liked me in the beginning but I think my “love me now!!!!” behaviour turned him the fuck off. Why wouldn’t it? And I made everything so fucking easy for him. Offering my fucking pussy up on a silver platter. Thinking that texting him saying “I’m soooo horny. Coming round to fuck you!” was the epitome of modern womanhood. It would be if I was in a committed relationship with somebody who actually respected me, but RG saw my high sexual drive and thought “Slut!”.

I have spent my entire fucking life refusing to believe that what I’ve got between my legs is some kind of relationship currency. I just could not accept that if I was 100% honest about my feelings for a man and slept with him “too soon” (in the eyes of society anyway) that men would not respect me. How naïve. Not just naïve about men, but about human nature in general. Nobody – man or woman – wants what they can have too easily. I have this guy friend in Brooklyn who’s interested in me, and who constantly calls/texts although I usually forget to respond/return his calls. Despite this, he still calls/texts me again. I hate to admit it, but there is a huge part of me that does not respect him for that.

I am sorely tempted to purchase “The Rules“. I’ve spent many years secretly wanting to read this book, but not allowing myself to do so because it has been considered “anti-feminist” and manipulative of men. But, honestly, I’m at the stage now where I need some fucking external rule system to teach me to respect myself, and how to deal with/approach the men in my life.  I haven’t read it yet but, honestly, from what I can gather it just teaches women to have their own busy, successful lives instead of obsessing over a man. Yes, there are some so-called “manipulative” strategies (rarely returning phone calls etc) but, when I think about it, there are so many manipulative things that I do already to make sure a man is interested in me/will spend time with me (e.g. getting involved with them sexually too soon). How is the fact that I’m currently unconsciously manipulating men any better than consciously manipulating them to make sure they know I’m a strong woman?

In an ideal world, neither conscious or unconscious manipulation would be advisable, but, fuck it. I’m tired of being played. I’m cynical and broken down. I’m sick of chasing men who don’t give a rat’s ass about me even though they’re the ones who are not my intellectual, spiritual and emotional equals. I am not going to manipulate men to screw them over (hell, I’m not a bitch) but men are as sure as hell going to chase me now. And why? Because in the words of that cheesy L’Oréal Ad:

“Parce que je le vaux bien”.


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14 thoughts on “Parce que je le vaux bien!

  1. vicariousrising October 1, 2012 at 3:03 am Reply

    My first question reading this post is why you fantasize so much about his feelings for you rather than wonder about your feelings for him.

    You sound on a good track, though. 🙂

    • petrichoric October 1, 2012 at 6:46 am Reply

      Well, I guess I *did* have feelings for him so I didn’t really need to wonder about them. I was pretty into him. I’m not saying those feelings were real, as I probably only liked him because he was unavailable but, regardless, they were still feelings. I fantasized about his feelings because I needed to believe that I hadn’t just made everything up, that there actually was something between us.

  2. vicariousrising October 1, 2012 at 3:04 am Reply

    And, wait, there’s currency between my legs? Shit, how’d I miss that bit of intel?

  3. arekino October 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm Reply

    How is the fact that I’m currently unconsciously manipulating men any better than consciously manipulating them …. ?

    Because then you’d be consciously *and* unconsciously manipulating men?

    Besides, shouldn’t you focus on how you’re manipulating *yourself* – through fantasies?

    Have you ever thought about why you fantasize in the way you do? It seems to compensate for something – being ignored, the guy being a loser, the guy needing to be ‘rescued’.

    • petrichoric October 1, 2012 at 5:43 pm Reply

      Honestly, I’m at the stage where I’m quite cynical about relationships, love, and men. I never think it’s a good idea to manipulate people so that you can hurt them, lead them on or control them. However, I don’t see the harm in “manipulating” the image I project to men (and to the world in general) so that I’m in control of me.

      Well, of course I think about why I fantasize about men the way I do! Duh! If you had been reading more carefully, you would surely have read my thoughts on this in previous posts, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned it. 🙂 It’s like a drug, isn’t it? Just like an alcoholic needs their booze, and drug addicts need their drugs, I need my little fix of love and romantic intrigue. Life seems almost boring without it. Fantasizing about the future with men helps me escape the humdrum reality of my life. This is why I think I might be a love addict because I really shouldn’t need love/relationships/romance to make my life seem exciting.

      • arekino October 2, 2012 at 5:00 am Reply

        Fantasizing about the future with men helps me escape the humdrum reality of my life.

        But your humdrum life goes on all the time and unless I missunderstood, you don’t obsessively fantasize about specific men all the time.

        Also, there seems to be a reccurring pattern in what exactly you fantasize about.

        • petrichoric October 2, 2012 at 10:54 pm Reply

          Maybe I don’t fantasize about specific men all the time, but I fantasize occasionally about certain men who push my buttons – usually emotionally unavailable, kinda ass-holish men.

          And, yeah, the pattern is that I chase after these men because, deep down, I think I believe that I’ll finally be a worthy person if I can get these men to want me.

  4. lifeismisery October 2, 2012 at 1:56 am Reply

    Petri, I’ve been reading your blog, and had some thoughts. Take it as you leave it. I don’t know anything, but I thought you might appreciate someone else’s perspective.

    I think when you broke up with MM, even though you relationship was fraught with abuse, you became lonely in a very real way. Then you met RG who also probably has a messed up broken life, and you guys fucked because of lust and because you were both lonely, and but that intimacy was real and made you guys really connect.

    But why are you trying to control RG? You just came out of a relationship. He’s been alone, probably abusing women for a long time. You can’t expect him to just be exclusive and under your control.

    You’re being too intense. You need to love yourself. You need to love others. But you can’t force people to love you.

    RG probably does mean something special to you. But also fuck him he’s a loser. Love him while you’re together, but then live your own life separate from his. You’re beautiful without him.

    A real relationship is something that grows, and right now you’re at a very vulnerable state, at that’s scary for the other person. Love is a scary thing, because falling in love with someone means you love them no matter what. And right now he’s lonely too.

    You do have to be careful of people using you. But give it time with RG, maybe you should see him again. His life his shit, but it’d probably be nice for you and him. And in time you’ll probably get over him, and move on. If he’s seeing other women, you should see other people too. You aren’t married, you aren’t exclusive. But you can still love each other.

    I don’t know if anything I said is helpful, or made any sense, but hopefully it is. Just take care of yourself Petri, life is beautiful, don’t be scared.

    • petrichoric October 2, 2012 at 10:50 pm Reply

      Welcome back, oh cheerily-monickered one. Yes, of course RG and I were both lonely and fucked up, and that’s where most of the attraction came from.

      I wasn’t really trying to control him, at least not intentionally. I was just very insecure because I liked him quite a bit, and yet it was obvious that neither one of us wanted/was ready for a relationship. It was a very confusing situation.

      And, noooo, it would not be “nice” to see RG again. On some level, I do care for him, and I hope that he gets himself into rehab, but I don’t need a crazy alcoholic, weed-dealer loser in my life. I’m perfectly capable of creating enough craziness in my own life without adding somebody else’s craziness into the mix.

      And I don’t want to be with somebody who is shagging other people. The only way that would work would be if I didn’t like the person all that much, or if we met up for anonymous sex, and I didn’t know anything about their life, so I couldn’t get jealous. Neither of these is going to be the case for RG.

      Sadly, I am sure I will see him again – which is kinda annoying – since he frequents our local bar. Now I have to stay away from there for a couple of months. Bah. That was “my” bar. I’ve been going there for nearly 2 years.

  5. lifeismisery October 2, 2012 at 2:07 am Reply

    Also, i realize it’s easy to just try to tell someone what to do, without living it yourself. But remember Petri, you’re human, you’re not perfect, but neither was kurt cobain, john lennon, jfk, or anyone half cool.

    you’re you, and that’s what make you special. your blog helped me when I was feeling low, because it was beautiful and sad, but I could relate in a real way.

    Don’t ever feel any shame for who you are, unless you do something that you don’t like.

    • petrichoric October 2, 2012 at 10:53 pm Reply

      I don’t feel shame. I feel shame when people think I should feel shame, and I don’t like feeling that way. Really, I’ve done things the same way forever; I just feel like shaking my old pattern up a wee bit.

  6. williamx October 2, 2012 at 9:43 pm Reply

    Ha! I decided a little while ago that I would be ‘chased’ by women, since I really don’t want to bother anyone or be a creep. (Not that I was ever a creep before but? The Internets!) Now I feel sort of lonely and sad, because I really need some new love in my life, and it’s become apparent to me that won’t happen unless I make it happen. Sadly, I go for the crazy. I haven’t learned how not to go for the crazy. I relate to this stuff you write, is what I hope I am saying.
    The wheel never stops turning, but I think for you it will turn higher, if you will keep true to yourself and reject any and all who don’t make you feel happier, engaged and complimented. But it sucks that you’ve decided to become more passive(?) just to protect yourself from yourself.

    • petrichoric October 2, 2012 at 10:59 pm Reply

      It’s not that you haven’t learned how not to go for crazy; it’s that you haven’t learned why you go for crazy in the first place. Or maybe you have learned, but you just haven’t worked on your own issues enough so that crazy no longer seems attractive. If you’re attracting crazy, it’s probably because you’re crazy yourself (and I mean that half as a compliment!). Crazy attracts crazy. It wasn’t for nothing that RG was a fucked-up, alcoholic, weed-dealer loser.

      I don’t know if “passive” is the right word. I prefer “consciously passive”. I’m just tired of stroking men’s egos by being too honest and enthusiastic. And, to be quite frank, it’s not like I really need to be out there chasing men around. Passive is probably good for me right now.

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