You know how I wrote last night that “the loneliness is not killing me”? Well, I Iied.
I come home from work, and I have no fucking idea what to do with myself. I crave human companionship. I check my email constantly, log into my WordPress account to see if anybody has left me a new comment (and, oh, the joy if they have!). I even started an OKCupid account, and I’m not entirely sure why. Numerous guys, who all look like total douchebags or at best complete dullards, have already sent me messages, and I’ve ignored them all except for one guy. I might go out on a date with him, but, really, I can’t be bothered. I find it hard to imagine how anybody could find a meaningful connection with somebody on an online dating site.
Like I said, I have no idea why I filled out a profile on OKCupid. I did it mainly for a laugh, and now it’s as addictive as fucking Facebook. I’m always logging on to see who’s checked out my profile. No good can come of this really. I really do need to get myself to a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting as fast as my little legs can carry me.
I know that there is no way in hell that I am ready for a relationship of any kind. Even just casually dating feels far too much right now. When I was seeing RG, I was pissed off at first that all we ever did was shag; he actually did ask me out on a proper date once, to a restaurant, and I was pleased about it at first. But then I completely freaked out about going on an actual date, and told him I couldn’t go. Even with RG – the one whose affection I longed for – I couldn’t even handle anything even approximating a real dating relationship.
I need to stay away from men completely… and yet…I crave company, love and affection so much. I feel so empty inside. I have always felt this way, which is why I always end up falling for fucked-up men. They’re the only ones who know what it feels like. I just don’t get attracted to healthy men. There’s a whole part of me they could never understand. Maybe one day I’ll meet a fabulous man who struggled with his own demons for years, and who is now filled with wisdom and depth. I could love a “formerly fucked-up man”, but I can’t love a man who didn’t look into the darkness at some point. The only trouble with looking into the darkness is that most people are still actively looking into it when I meet them, and this is just no good. But, oh, the excitement and the craziness! So alluring.
I miss RG tonight. Quite a bit actually. I miss the distraction; the intensity; the longing; the sex. I miss it all. But I suppose it’s not really him I miss – it’s just what he represents…..a hint of love dangled tantalizingly in front of me, but being pulled away from me at the last minute. If I’m honest, I keep fantasizing about meeting him again. And, oh, it would be so easy to do. If I went down to our local bar, he’d be there all right, life and soul of the fucking party.
Of course, I am not so undignified that I would seek him out like this, but I have considered getting all my friends together on my birthday (a couple of months off yet) at this bar to do karaoke. 20% of the reason for this is that I’ve been going to this bar for nearly two years, and I don’t want to stay away because of him. I should be able to go back there at some point without worrying that he’s going to think I’m after him. It’s my bar, goddamit, and I need to reclaim it ! Of course, the other 80% is that I just want to see him. By the time my birthday rolls around, this will probably still be the case. In fact, I suspect that part of the reason I’ve got over the RG situation so quickly is because I know I could see him again at any point if I wanted to.
I have imagined a little scenario of how it will be the next time RG and I see each other. I imagine that he will see me across the crowded bar, and our eyes will lock. He will come up to me, overjoyed to see me again, telling me how much he misses me and longs for me. Goddammit. Fuck fantasies like this. The second I fantasize about something, I know everything is doomed.