Arabian Nights


In the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous “big book”, it states that “many of us suspected or realized that we would need an indefinite period alone in which to learn to understand and deal with our disease” (Step 1 – p73). Most of the women who attend the SLAA meeting I go to are doing exactly that or, if they have a bit of recovery behind them, and have started to date again, they’re taking it really, really slowly.

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My intention for 2013 was/is not to date at all, and I certainly was not attempting to meet men, or to put myself in situations that could lead to that. I was/am fine just being by myself. After the break-up with MM, I did have an OKCupid account briefly, and went on maybe three dates, but I decided I’d rather put my energy and time in more valuable places. I can’t say I even missed men, dating or sex. Cross my heart, and hope to die, I was totally fine with this.

That was until I met the Arab.

The Arab messaged me on OKCupid in early December just as I had realized it was stupid to be on that site. It turns out that we actually work at the same company (it’s a big place – thousands of employees), and that he had seen me in the café (I had never seen him) and recognized me when he saw my OKCupid profile. Despite the fact that he seemed interesting and extremely good-looking in his profile, I just wasn’t into the idea of dating anybody. I decided that I would reply to his message since it would be awkward if we bumped into each other at work, but I went on vacation for my birthday and never got around to it. When I got back, he had deleted his profile.

I should also point out that I had googled his name before going on vacation, and found pictures of him playing in his band in which he was nowhere near as hot as he appeared in his OKCupid Profile. In fact, he looked kinda chubby, and his hair was awful. As much as I would like to pretend that my lack of interest in him was because I’d embarked on a spiritual journey, it was more because I wasn’t sexually attracted to him from those pictures.

The fact that he’d deleted his profile should have warned me that the Universe did not want me to contact him. But did it? Nope. Still worried that I’d bump into him at work, and that he’d feel I’d snubbed him, I reached out via the office Chat system to say hi. I know you’re probably thinking that l’il addict me was using the fact that we worked together as an excuse to contact him, but I assure you this is not the case. He just seemed like a nice guy, and I didn’t want him to feel rejected.

We chatted back and forth, and I was my typical flirty self. In fact, I am so flirty via Chats that I’ve had to make this one of my bottom lines. I guess I got a little bit addicted to the flirtation, and I had hooked him, too. By this point, I had also googled him a little more and discovered more recent pictures of him where he was every bit as fucking hot in them as he was in his OKCupid Profile. I guess he’s lost weight and got a way better hair cut in recent years.

I was now seriously considering dating him, but I couldn’t help but feel that he was bad news. American chicks in this town go crazy over foreign guys, even if they’re fugly, and here he was – 6’1″ of yummy Algerian goodness. I’m sure he’s used to getting a lot of female attention and being able to pick off the cream of the crop. And, well, Arab men don’t exactly have the best reputation. Yeah, hell, sue me for having racist preconceptions, but, well, from my own personal observations, I would say that most Arab men really like the ladies. I got the vibe he was a player.

He added fuel to the fire when he asked me one time via Chat if I had a porch. “Um, yeah”, I said, wondering where the hell this was going. He then suggested he could come round and drink wine on my porch! Helloooooo?! Keep in mind that I have actually never met this guy. I’m sure as hell not going to be asking a strange man to my house to drink wine on my porch. Even with my incredibly poor boundaries, I could tell he’d overstepped the mark there. Also, “let me come round and drink wine on your porch” seemed like guy speak for “Let me come round and fuck you”. Whatever happened to taking a woman out on a proper date, huh?

I lost interest in him after this, although I was a teeny bit obsessed with him, and looked forward to our flirty chats. I quickly stopped contacting him, however, because one of my goals in SLAA is not to get involved in romantic intrigue. Weeks would go by without him contacting me, but he would pop up from time to time, asking me out most times. I demurred, telling him that I wasn’t ready to date anybody yet. I should have said “I’m not going to date anybody this year at all”, but instead I told him that I wanted to wait until after my divorce was finalized to start dating again. I suppose I didn’t want to burn my bridges with him completely.

I don’t know what happened (was I ovulating?) but when he contacted me again this week, I was ripe for the picking. I couldn’t stop myself from flirting with him via Chat but, even then, I wasn’t planning on taking it any further. But then (horror of horrors!) I actually bumped into him while I was running outside work. I didn’t stop to talk, as I was all sweaty and in a hurry to get back to work, but, oh, I got a good look at him alright – and I liked what I saw! Goddamn the boy is hot. There was no holding me back after that, and I agreed to go out on a date with him next week.

Since then I’ve completely fallen off the SLAA wagon. I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. googling the shit out of him, and trying to find out as much as I can. He has been the centre of all my romantic and sexual fantasies. In them, there’s lot of hot fucking, and we’re already married, and our kids all speak Arabic, French and English fluently. Oh, yeah, did I mention he’s North African and therefore fluent in Arabic and French? Since I speak French, he’ll tell me things like “J’adore tes super grands yeux bleus, ta sourire, tes cheveux courts…(I love your super big blue eyes, your smile, your short hair”; “tu es très attirante” (you are very attractive). Ugh! How to resist sweet-nothings in French?! How?!

Why did this have to happen? I was sooooo not fucking looking to date anybody. I was fine with living a quiet life. But, well, I guess deep-down that I wasn’t because I fell at the very first hurdle. I’m sure that my sponsor and all of you will tell me not to go on that date next week but, oh, I’m going.

And just in case you think it might be alright to date him, let me give you two more reasons why it’s an awful idea.

(1) Bizarrely, in 2006 or 2007, it turns out that I went on a date with his old roommate/friend. He is from the same country, and has the exact same name. It was only one date (he was too young for me, I felt) but we did make out passionately in his car. What guy wants to think that the girl he’s dating has already had a dalliance with a friend of his? Maybe American/European guys would be OK with this, but (again with my preconceived notions of Arab men) I can’t help but feel that this guy might not be cool with it. Maybe he thinks that I’m a complete slut.

(2) He befriended me on Facebook, and when I looked at his pictures, there was one of him standing with a friend of his who, a few years ago, was one of my sensual massage clients. I have no idea how good of a friend this guy is, but how fucking awkward is that? What if I meet this guy and his wife? What if the Arab knows all about my nice little sideline in handjobs and again thinks that I’m just an easy lay.

What the fuck am I doing? Why did this have to happen? Why can’t I just stay away from this guy? What happened to being all spiritual and zen?

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14 thoughts on “Arabian Nights

  1. LazyBuddhist March 30, 2013 at 12:20 pm Reply

    I’m of two minds on this: one that says “grrrrrlllll, stay away from that man, he ain’t nothin’ but trouble” and the other one that says “at least this mistake may get her blogging again.” As much as I enjoy reading your blog, I think I’d much rather see you happy and making progress towards more contentment in your life.

    For some reason, this poem called Autobiography in Five Short Chapters that gets quoted a lot in dharma circles (and I imagine, recovery circles too) cpmes to mind.

    http://www.panhala.net/archive/autobiography.html

    Whatever you decide to do, keep us posted.

    • petrichoric March 30, 2013 at 10:43 pm Reply

      Ha, I really liked that poem. According to the poem, I am still very much “Chapter 3”. And, sadly, because I still clearly can’t shake old habits, I can’t see myself deciding not to go on the date with the Arab. I’m sure it would be better for me not to go, yes, but the main challenge for me will be trying not to obsess over him before the date. Also, I plan on only having one drink on the date. My pattern has been to get quite drunk, and then all my good intentions fly out of the window.

  2. arekino March 30, 2013 at 1:36 pm Reply

    You seem to be going through a crisis. Does SLAA have sponsors like AA has? Maybe you should call that person? Good luck. Stay Clean.

    • petrichoric March 30, 2013 at 10:44 pm Reply

      Hi, Arekino. Yes, SLAA is exactly like AA in that there are 12-steps and sponsors etc. I do have a sponsor, and I will be seeing her on Monday night. She will probably tell me that it’s not a good idea to go on the date, and I will probably ignore her.

  3. xul March 30, 2013 at 2:49 pm Reply

    Merde, mon ami! Vous avez besoin pour se détendre! WTF? And why with an Arab? I’ve never seen anything with an Arab end well. Most of them think that all Western women are whores. Do not do this!

    You know that the fantasy that you have in your head is not going to turn out that way in reality. It hasn’t any other time.

    • petrichoric March 30, 2013 at 10:54 pm Reply

      Oh, Xul, don’t you think you’re being a tad prejudiced? I’m well aware of the bad rap that Arab men get, and so I will proceed cautiously, but I don’t think it’s possible to write off a whole subset of men.

      And why an Arab? Well, I have a thing for dark-haired, darker-skinned, hairy-chested men, and a lot of Arab men fit that mould. Also, this particular Arab is smart, funny, and really handsome.

      Yeah, I know my fantasies never turn out to be reality. It’s true. 😦 But, I’m sorry, I’m going on this date.

      • xul March 31, 2013 at 1:45 pm Reply

        No “tad” about it, but I did say “most” so at least I left a little wiggle room. I’m not a fan of the culture, just speaking from personal experience. But who knows? The guy might be a prince among men. You’ve got your mind made up anyway. I hope he doesn’t turn out to be a douche.

        I’m a big fan of dark-haired, hairy-chested men myself, but I prefer the Celtic flavor. I’d like to commando-crawl through Colin O’Donoghue’s luxurious chest pelt…but I digress. 😉

        • petrichoric March 31, 2013 at 6:01 pm Reply

          I had to google Colin Donoghue. Yeah, he’s not bad, but, to be honest, if I had a brother, he’d look a bit like that, which is a turn-off. I’ve also got that dark-haired, blue-eyed Celtic thing going on. Kinda hard being attracted to somebody who could be a member of my family. He does have nice chest hair, though!

          What is this nonsense about your not being a fan of Arab “culture”. There are 20 plus Arab countries, Xul, so how can there be a generic Arab “culture”? He probably will end up being a total douche, but, well, I’m going to be sensible and not let him get into my knickers, so I won’t get hurt.

  4. immaculatearab April 11, 2013 at 6:43 am Reply

    I am offended.

    • petrichoric April 11, 2013 at 9:24 am Reply

      By what, pray tell?

      • immaculatearab April 11, 2013 at 9:24 am Reply

        Demonizing the Arab.

        😦

        • petrichoric April 11, 2013 at 10:26 am Reply

          I think everybody has prejudices. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t.

          Frankly, I don’t think the Arab world has the best track record when it comes to women/women’s rights/gender issues, and, yes, I did think about that when contacting this guy. That might not be fair but it’s life. The important thing is that people should be able to overlook their prejudices and give other people a chance. I feel I did that. In fact, I’m
          extremely open to dating people of a different race, ethnicity or cultural background, and I would love my future children to grow up bicultural, bilingual and biracial.

          Ultimately, this guy is a douchebag. Does his cultural background have anything to do with that? Maybe. Maybe not. There’s no way of knowing. And I have no desire to get to know him
          better to find out.

          I do think it’s curious, however, that you are focused on the supposed unjust treatment of an Arab man (a middle class, well-educated Arab man who is pretty privileged) while you completely overlook his sexist and misogynistic attitudes towards women. I get really tired of privileged non-Caucasian men whining about how they are mistreated. My white skin gives me a lot of privilege too but this does not mean I haven’t been treated like a piece of meat by plenty of men.

          So, forgive me for not feeling particularly guilty about having some concerns about dating an Arab. I doubt that this guy ever feels bad about his attitude towards women.

  5. immaculatearab April 11, 2013 at 6:23 pm Reply

    Hi. I wasn’t expecting a serious reply at all or even a discussion given my equally non serious comment.

    A note in regards to what is written below: I do not mean to offend.

    “Frankly, I don’t think the Arab world has the best track record when it comes to women/women’s rights/gender issues”

    Based on what you hear/read from the news I assume? Or the stories from jaded Arab immigrants who’ve suddenly lost their faith upon assimilating into American culture?

    Because if we go down this route, the ‘White Man’ has only recently turned over a new leaf and yet there are still chinks in his new stance towards women.

    “I do think it’s curious, however, that you are focused on the supposed unjust treatment of an Arab man (a middle class, well-educated Arab man who is pretty privileged) while you completely overlook his sexist and misogynistic attitudes towards women.”

    I have no idea how you came upon this conclusion from my one sentence which made no mention of either of your accusations.

    You seem to confuse the term misogynistic with being a womanizer, something all men are victims of as all men objectify women in a sexual/physical sense.

    It’s embedded into our DNA. It’s how you came to be reading this. The whole Romeo and Juliet thing is a fabrication, a denial of the primordial truth that we are simply animals with heightened mental capabilities

    And I would argue that the West objectifies women on a much larger scale than the rest of the world. Take the fashion world for instance. It is a man’s invention.

    One that is extremely clever. Men came up with a way to make women prefer to be scantily clad and fooled them into thinking it was their idea and that it’s chique and cool.

    The American media machine is a potent beast.

    “I get really tired of privileged non-Caucasian men whining about how they are mistreated. My white skin gives me a lot of privilege too but this does not mean I haven’t been treated like a piece of meat by plenty of men.”

    Arabs are Caucasians. Just so you know.

    Your white skin gives you a lot of entitlement and a superiority complex hence the term white man’s burden.

    “So, forgive me for not feeling particularly guilty about having some concerns about dating an Arab. I doubt that this guy ever feels bad about his attitude towards women.”

    To judge an entire race based upon the actions of a few and through second and thirdhand accounts. I think there is a term for that.

    I look forward to your rebuttal.

    • petrichoric April 13, 2013 at 4:12 am Reply

      First of all, I am aware that Arabs are Caucasian. Believe it or not, one of my good friends is from Egypt, so I know that when Arabs fill out forms here in the US, there’s usually no box for “Middle Eastern”. I get it, you’re Caucasian. But, yes, it was careless of me to write “non-Caucasian” in my response to you. I should have used “non-Western” perhaps, as that would have been more accurate. However, it would seem that you are a little confused about your own racial/ethnic identity yourself. Despite protesting that you’re Caucasian, you then tell me how wrong it is to “judge an entire race based upon the actions of a few and through second and third-hand accounts”. Make your mind up: you’re either a different race from me or you’re not.

      Secondly, what is this bullshit you write:

      You seem to confuse the term misogynistic with being a womanizer, something all men are victims of as all men objectify women in a sexual/physical sense.

      It’s embedded into our DNA. It’s how you came to be reading this. The whole Romeo and Juliet thing is a fabrication, a denial of the primordial truth that we are simply animals with heightened mental capabilities.

      .

      Ah, so it’s OK to objectify women, is it? According to what you write, you guys just can’t help it, can you? It’s nature. Oh, come on already! Now I do agree that men are more able to separate sex from emotion which many women (myself included) cannot do. However, do you honestly believe that sex doesn’t drive every single thing a woman does just as much as it does a man? Let me tell you: it does. I think about sex constantly. Your quote above reveals that you think it’s OK for men to treat women like a piece of meat because, oh, you’re dudes, and it’s “nature”. It’s not nature – it’s a choice to be a sexist asshole. And, yes, human beings are animals, but the one thing that separates us from animals is our ability to reflect upon and analyze our behaviour. A man might want to impregnate every single sexually attractive female he encounters, but I think, evolutionarily speaking, our species has moved far beyond that. How sad that you apparently haven’t. According to your Twitter feed, you are, what, 26 or 27? There’s still ample time for you to grow up and discover that there’s more to life than your male “DNA” and “fucking”.

      The comment you left seems to assume that I think Western men are great. You are very wrong. I agree wholeheartedly that the Western fashion industry objectifies women. However, you seem to be under the impression that Western women walk about flaunting their tits and ass 24/7. Some do, but I certainly don’t. However, I do appreciate my womanly charms and I do enjoy dressing scantily from time-to-time. I find it empowering, and I’m glad I can do so.

      Despite this, I have no problem whatsoever with Arab women wearing the Hijab – although I do find the Burqa and Niqab somewhat problematic. Honestly, I think I would enjoy being able to wear a Burqa or Niqab on those days when I just want to be left the fuck alone. But I would never want to be obliged to dress like that all the time.

      But, back to Western men: many men are sexist but Western men (especially Americans) have learned how dangerous it is to reveal this openly. In my opinion, Western men have just learned to disguise their sexism and misogynism carefully because they know there will be legal repercussions if they don’t.

      I hope this comment made sense, because I’ve had a little too much red wine.

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