In the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous “big book”, it states that “many of us suspected or realized that we would need an indefinite period alone in which to learn to understand and deal with our disease” (Step 1 – p73). Most of the women who attend the SLAA meeting I go to are doing exactly that or, if they have a bit of recovery behind them, and have started to date again, they’re taking it really, really slowly.
My intention for 2013 was/is not to date at all, and I certainly was not attempting to meet men, or to put myself in situations that could lead to that. I was/am fine just being by myself. After the break-up with MM, I did have an OKCupid account briefly, and went on maybe three dates, but I decided I’d rather put my energy and time in more valuable places. I can’t say I even missed men, dating or sex. Cross my heart, and hope to die, I was totally fine with this.
That was until I met the Arab.
The Arab messaged me on OKCupid in early December just as I had realized it was stupid to be on that site. It turns out that we actually work at the same company (it’s a big place – thousands of employees), and that he had seen me in the café (I had never seen him) and recognized me when he saw my OKCupid profile. Despite the fact that he seemed interesting and extremely good-looking in his profile, I just wasn’t into the idea of dating anybody. I decided that I would reply to his message since it would be awkward if we bumped into each other at work, but I went on vacation for my birthday and never got around to it. When I got back, he had deleted his profile.
I should also point out that I had googled his name before going on vacation, and found pictures of him playing in his band in which he was nowhere near as hot as he appeared in his OKCupid Profile. In fact, he looked kinda chubby, and his hair was awful. As much as I would like to pretend that my lack of interest in him was because I’d embarked on a spiritual journey, it was more because I wasn’t sexually attracted to him from those pictures.
The fact that he’d deleted his profile should have warned me that the Universe did not want me to contact him. But did it? Nope. Still worried that I’d bump into him at work, and that he’d feel I’d snubbed him, I reached out via the office Chat system to say hi. I know you’re probably thinking that l’il addict me was using the fact that we worked together as an excuse to contact him, but I assure you this is not the case. He just seemed like a nice guy, and I didn’t want him to feel rejected.
We chatted back and forth, and I was my typical flirty self. In fact, I am so flirty via Chats that I’ve had to make this one of my bottom lines. I guess I got a little bit addicted to the flirtation, and I had hooked him, too. By this point, I had also googled him a little more and discovered more recent pictures of him where he was every bit as fucking hot in them as he was in his OKCupid Profile. I guess he’s lost weight and got a way better hair cut in recent years.
I was now seriously considering dating him, but I couldn’t help but feel that he was bad news. American chicks in this town go crazy over foreign guys, even if they’re fugly, and here he was – 6’1″ of yummy Algerian goodness. I’m sure he’s used to getting a lot of female attention and being able to pick off the cream of the crop. And, well, Arab men don’t exactly have the best reputation. Yeah, hell, sue me for having racist preconceptions, but, well, from my own personal observations, I would say that most Arab men really like the ladies. I got the vibe he was a player.
He added fuel to the fire when he asked me one time via Chat if I had a porch. “Um, yeah”, I said, wondering where the hell this was going. He then suggested he could come round and drink wine on my porch! Helloooooo?! Keep in mind that I have actually never met this guy. I’m sure as hell not going to be asking a strange man to my house to drink wine on my porch. Even with my incredibly poor boundaries, I could tell he’d overstepped the mark there. Also, “let me come round and drink wine on your porch” seemed like guy speak for “Let me come round and fuck you”. Whatever happened to taking a woman out on a proper date, huh?
I lost interest in him after this, although I was a teeny bit obsessed with him, and looked forward to our flirty chats. I quickly stopped contacting him, however, because one of my goals in SLAA is not to get involved in romantic intrigue. Weeks would go by without him contacting me, but he would pop up from time to time, asking me out most times. I demurred, telling him that I wasn’t ready to date anybody yet. I should have said “I’m not going to date anybody this year at all”, but instead I told him that I wanted to wait until after my divorce was finalized to start dating again. I suppose I didn’t want to burn my bridges with him completely.
I don’t know what happened (was I ovulating?) but when he contacted me again this week, I was ripe for the picking. I couldn’t stop myself from flirting with him via Chat but, even then, I wasn’t planning on taking it any further. But then (horror of horrors!) I actually bumped into him while I was running outside work. I didn’t stop to talk, as I was all sweaty and in a hurry to get back to work, but, oh, I got a good look at him alright – and I liked what I saw! Goddamn the boy is hot. There was no holding me back after that, and I agreed to go out on a date with him next week.
Since then I’ve completely fallen off the SLAA wagon. I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. googling the shit out of him, and trying to find out as much as I can. He has been the centre of all my romantic and sexual fantasies. In them, there’s lot of hot fucking, and we’re already married, and our kids all speak Arabic, French and English fluently. Oh, yeah, did I mention he’s North African and therefore fluent in Arabic and French? Since I speak French, he’ll tell me things like “J’adore tes super grands yeux bleus, ta sourire, tes cheveux courts…(I love your super big blue eyes, your smile, your short hair”; “tu es très attirante” (you are very attractive). Ugh! How to resist sweet-nothings in French?! How?!
Why did this have to happen? I was sooooo not fucking looking to date anybody. I was fine with living a quiet life. But, well, I guess deep-down that I wasn’t because I fell at the very first hurdle. I’m sure that my sponsor and all of you will tell me not to go on that date next week but, oh, I’m going.
And just in case you think it might be alright to date him, let me give you two more reasons why it’s an awful idea.
(1) Bizarrely, in 2006 or 2007, it turns out that I went on a date with his old roommate/friend. He is from the same country, and has the exact same name. It was only one date (he was too young for me, I felt) but we did make out passionately in his car. What guy wants to think that the girl he’s dating has already had a dalliance with a friend of his? Maybe American/European guys would be OK with this, but (again with my preconceived notions of Arab men) I can’t help but feel that this guy might not be cool with it. Maybe he thinks that I’m a complete slut.
(2) He befriended me on Facebook, and when I looked at his pictures, there was one of him standing with a friend of his who, a few years ago, was one of my sensual massage clients. I have no idea how good of a friend this guy is, but how fucking awkward is that? What if I meet this guy and his wife? What if the Arab knows all about my nice little sideline in handjobs and again thinks that I’m just an easy lay.
What the fuck am I doing? Why did this have to happen? Why can’t I just stay away from this guy? What happened to being all spiritual and zen?