When The Spell Is Broken

Caveat: I’m tired, suffering from terrible allergies, have swallowed a couple of antihistamines, and am also a wee bit tipsy. In other words, this might not be the world’s greatest blog post.

So, a wee update on the situation with the Arab. Yesterday I spent the whole day at work chatting with him. I had told myself when I arrived at work at 8:00 a.m. that I would not contact him until 4:00 p.m. because I knew I’d get no work done if I contacted him before that. I lasted until 9:30 a.m., and then I just couldn’t stop myself from responding to the chats he’d sent me while I was gone from work for a couple of days. I can’t believe that there are some psychiatrists out there who argue that Sex and Love Addiction is not a real addiction. Sometimes nothing -absolutely nothing – can stop me from getting my next “love hit”.

I hung on his every word, and could not wait until I received a reply to every chat. I always leave work at 5:00 p.m., and by 4:50 p.m. there was still no mention of the date we were supposed to be having this weekend. I flirtily asked him when we would be getting together (“It’s rude to keep a lady waiting, you know!”) and he told me that he couldn’t see me this weekend since he was going to a music festival. I was furious because we had – so I thought anyway – agreed to see each other this weekend. It turns out that we’d never actually chosen a specific day/time for the date (I looked back over the chat history to confirm this), so I assume I had just fantasized about him so much that a daydream about a Saturday night date became a reality in my head.

Nonetheless, he had told me that the date would be this week – and yet there was not a peep out of him about when this would be. I was off work on Monday and Tuesday, so he couldn’t contact me to arrange a date on those nights, so he has an excuse. But what about all the other nights this week? Apparently he was already busy.

What kind of guy agrees to go on a date with a woman one week, and then doesn’t mention it at all when that week finally comes around? Now, I know that a lot of people are oh so casual and flakey when it comes to keeping engagements these days. I’m guilty of that myself with casual acquaintances – I’ll say “Oh, yeah, let’s get a drink next Thursday maybe” and then next Thursday comes around and nobody mentions it again. But I have never told somebody that we will go on a date, and then never broached the topic again. That is just plain obnoxious.

I don’t know what this guy’s deal is. I assume he’s a bit of a player; that’s he’s probably dating a couple of women casually already and that I’m maybe just an interesting back-up option. His casual attitude betrays the fact that I mean nothing to him. Absolutely nothing.

This is, I hasten to mention, the second time he has blown me off. The first time, a couple of months ago, I told him I wasn’t really ready to date anybody but at some point we decided to grab a drink. This was supposed to be just a “friendly” drink, not a date, but it was pretty obvious that it was more than that, and that we’d be scoping each other out. On this occasion, I actually did suggest a specific night the following week, and he agreed. That Tuesday I asked him “So, are you still up for a drink on Thursday”. He told me “Oh, let me get back to you”. Did he ever get back to me? What do you think?

Right now, the spell has well and truly been broken. I can see clearly that this guy is no good. I deserve to be asked on a date by somebody who is genuinely interested in me – somebody who’s excited about spending time with me, and getting to know me more.

It doesn’t hurt me that the spell has been broken. No major harm has been done. Hell, I haven’t even met the Arab yet. He’s not really a real person – he’s an interesting OKCupid profile with some cute pictures; he’s the guy I iMessage at work; he’s the one I caught a glimpse of when I was out running and said hi to. We never spent hours together in person; we never fucked; he never promised me anything. Sure, I fantasized about him, but over so short a period that there was never a chance for his image to be carved into every one of my thoughts for months on end.

Despite all this, though, I wanted to scream when it became apparent yesterday just how unimportant I am to him.  I can’t begin to describe the feeling of despair and sheer desolation I felt. It’s all a memory now, but it was very real yesterday.  I wasn’t suicidal, but life just felt so fucking empty and pointless.

And that, dear readers, is why I am an addict, and why I need help. A momentary iMessage dalliance with a stupid immature player makes me spiral down into despair and self-loathing.

It’s clear from this little escapade that I still can’t be trusted to stay away from people who are no good for me. So, when I tell you that I won’t be contacting the Arab again, you probably won’t believe me. Send out a little prayer for me, eh? Pray that I’ll finally be able to love myself and only surround myself with people who care for me and want the best for me.


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15 thoughts on “When The Spell Is Broken

  1. lifeismisery April 5, 2013 at 2:18 am Reply

    Don’t forget he’s still a person. And things like dating and romance and sex, are some of the most genuinely enjoyable things available too us.

    You know, your whole addiction thing is only problem for you, if it actually is a problem, and harms your life. There’s no reason to cut dating off completely, you’re not doing cocaine.

    But be cooler, don’t overthink things, just let things happen. You have self worth, and that’s the most important thing and the sexiest thing.

    • petrichoric April 5, 2013 at 10:15 am Reply

      The end goal of “Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous” is to be able to date and have a healthy relationship with somebody one day. So, you’re right in the sense that Sex and Love Addiction is different from all other addictions where you’re supposed to avoid the addictive substance completely. However, it should be pretty clear to you from having read this blog that I’m not exactly the best at choosing healthy men to associate with. At least I do know this about myself, but knowing it does not help me stay away from trouble since my addict brain will think up all kinds of sneaky justifications for dating the wrong people.

      I truly wish that I was healthy enough to date at the moment, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea because, quite simply, I cannot trust myself to make the right decisions. And until I can, it would be best to avoid men for a while.

  2. Pandora Viltis April 5, 2013 at 5:09 am Reply

    Not sure I agree with lifeismisery. But then, I’m an addict and moderation isn’t in my vocabulary.

    Sending good thoughts your way. I’m glad the Arab didn’t get too under your skin. You deserve better.

    • petrichoric April 5, 2013 at 10:18 am Reply

      I think you and lifeismisery are both right. My end goal should be to be able to date one day but right now I clearly can’t do that because I’m just too unhealthy. And, yes, I’m glad the “thing” with the Arab is over. I have more important things to be thinking about. I just hope he doesn’t contact me too much at work. My interest in him has come and gone over the last few months, and I would often ignore his chats for weeks. But that didn’t stop him popping back up again.

  3. recoveringloveaddict24 April 5, 2013 at 10:01 am Reply

    I don’t agree with lifeismisery either, quite frankly I don’t think he understand anything about this addiction from his comment.

    Dont contact the Arab again, youre worth so much more than that! I’ll be sure to send out a prayer for you!


    • petrichoric April 5, 2013 at 10:30 am Reply

      Hi, J. It’s true that lifeismisery doesn’t understand Sex and Love Addiction but, sadly, not many people do. I only let certain people know (people I know I can trust) that I’m attending SLAA meetings because I think that the vast majority of people would burst out laughing if I told them I was a sex and love addict.

      • recoveringloveaddict24 April 5, 2013 at 10:42 am Reply

        I feel exactly the same and for that reason the only people that know I attend SLAA are the people I see at SLAA, my therapist and my qualifier. I know that no-one else would understand which really is a shame.

        • petrichoric April 5, 2013 at 10:50 am Reply

          Yes, it is a shame. On your blog, you mentioned having to cancel a night out with your work friends because you know that alcohol just leads to acting out behaviour with your Sex and Love Addiction. I feel the same way about alcohol, but it’s hard to come up with excuses about why I can’t go out drinking, or about why I have to stop after one or two. It would be so much easier if I could just let people know.

          • recoveringloveaddict24 April 5, 2013 at 5:28 pm Reply

            Tell me about it! I hate not being able to go out an socialise but I know if I do it will lead to me acting out with girls, it happens every time. I hate letting people down and find it so frustrating! Would you be interested in talking more via email?

            • petrichoric April 6, 2013 at 9:23 am Reply

              Sure, we can definitely email. It will be good for me to have a male SLAA buddy since I only attend women-only meetings, and feel a little wary about meeting male sex and love addicts in the flesh. Is your email the hotmail.com one you entered when leaving that comment?

              • Pandora Viltis April 6, 2013 at 2:12 pm Reply

                I feel for you guys — being an alcoholic is a fairly easy thing for me to tell people and get the pressure off. I don’t think the general public understands sex & love addiction nearly as well.

              • recoveringloveaddict24 April 6, 2013 at 4:41 pm Reply

                Yeah it will be good in a way, although I attend mixed meetings and there are often women at my meetings I avoid them totally. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I could act out with them. Yes that’s my email address. I only just realised that it’s not kept private! Defeats the point of an anonymous blog! Will be changing that, but feel free to email me on that. Shall look forward to talking to you 🙂

  4. lifeismisery April 5, 2013 at 1:30 pm Reply

    I was insensitive, I’m sorry. I don’t know, it sounds to me that the core of your problem is loneliness and wanting to feel loved and appreciated for who you actually are. And the thrust of romantic thoughts and feelings is intoxicating.

    To me what love is, real love, is understanding, patience, forgiveness. It’s not just a concept, it’s a very active thing. But can also be very hurtful and confusing and hard. People are naturally very flawed, and if you can’t accept that you’ll never be happy.

    You had bad relationships with your family, and you’ve broken off contact with them for a long time. You’re all alone in a world, full of lonely people.

    Real love is not just romance. It doesn’t even have to be about sex. But if you keep these things in your heart, I’m sure it will help. Just take things slowly.

    Anyway, there’s my two cents. I’ll shut up now.

    • petrichoric April 5, 2013 at 2:44 pm Reply

      You weren’t insensitive; you were just ignorant (and I mean that in the sense of “unknowing” – not in the sense that you’re an idiot). Well, of course I’m lonely and want to feel loved and appreciated for who I really am. However, a lot of people feel that way and don’t belong in a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting. The difference between a “regular” lonely person and a Love Addict is that the “regular” person isn’t driven to the brink of despair and suicide by the failure of a relationship (and that “relationship” might not even have been a real relationship to begin with…perhaps it was just completely in the mind, a fantasy).

      I think the litmus test for deciding whether you have an addiction to something is to ask yourself whether your life is being affected in a very negative way by that drug/alcohol/person etc. In my case, getting involved with unhealthy, emotionally unavailable men and obsessing about them takes up an inordinate amount of time and energy and causes me so much pain and suffering. It prevents me from becoming a more fulfilled, happier person. So, I would definitely say that I’m a sex and love addict and that I can’t approach dating with the same insouciance that a “regular” person is able to.

      • lifeismisery April 5, 2013 at 3:24 pm Reply

        yeah, I understand now what you’re saying.

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