I really pride myself on having a good brain and a strong intellect, so the most galling thing about addiction is that it’s in control of me. It doesn’t matter how smart I am, as the addiction controls my mind. I hate it. It’s humiliating how much I am able to trick myself to get an addictive hit.
I just had a rather sobering phone call with my sponsor, and I told her about my client. Well, she doesn’t know that I work part-time as an erotic masseuse, so I didn’t tell her how I met him. I had to fib, and say I met him in a café. Yes, I know it’s not great to lie to your sponsor, but I am not ready to open up to her about that part of my life, and I don’t know if I ever will be.
Today we’ve been emailing and texting back and forth non-stop. Again, nothing sleazy – mainly about our tastes in music. And, damn, he has good taste in music. But still…..all these emails and texts. It’s so fucking intense. It’s exhilarating, and intoxicating. This cannot be a good thing. Already I feel myself getting obsessed with him. When he doesn’t respond to a text or email within ten minutes, I sit there waiting all impatiently, not being able to concentrate on anything else.
I asked my sponsor if she thought that all the contact we’ve had today seemed too intense, and she said that if I have to ask that question I probably already know the answer. Hmmm.
God, why am I so dumb? How is it possible that every time there’s a horrible disaster after I’ve rushed into getting involved with a man I tell myself I’ll be more cautious the next time….but then I go and do the same fucking thing again.
It’s just so hard to take things slowly. I am so lonely, and I desperately want to have a meaningful connection with somebody.
Thankfully I’m leaving tomorrow morning to go visit a friend in a different state, so there won’t be so many opportunities for contacting this guy.