This Time I Know It’s For Real

Today I have gone to a very dark place. Yesterday I was so tired from only getting a few hours sleep before my flight that I didn’t really have the ability to process what had happened.

I’m trying not to get caught in an infinite loop of self-destructive and self-hating thoughts, but it’s really hard. You would think that, as a sex worker, I would have some understanding and actually expect my clients to lie to me, wouldn’t you? I am, after all, selling a fantasy, not the truth. I must be the world’s most fucking gullible sex worker. I broke Rule Number One in the sex worker handbook:

Don’t Get Romantically Involved With A Client

And even though I knew it was fucked-up from the get-go to be interested in this guy because he’s a fucking client and because it was so unhealthily intense, I told myself that this time it would be different. This time it would be for real. This was it. This guy would love and understand me. We’d walk off into the sunset together. Even though I knew some things didn’t add up, even though I even found myself wondering “Is he just telling me what I want to hear?”, I refused to listen.

In a way, I feel violated, and exposed. I opened up to this guy because he read me so well, and told me exactly what I needed to hear to open up. I told him far too much about myself. He knew I was really vulnerable, and exploited that. I don’t know why it should still surprise me that there are people out there like this, but it does. I can’t imagine actively exploiting somebody’s else’s obvious weaknesses for my own selfish gain. This is just completely unbelievable, unimaginable behaviour.

I’ve been trying to make myself feel better by telling myself that he is, at the end of the day, the real loser in this situation. He’s a sociopath, and sociopaths have no conscience, and no ability to empathize with anybody. What an impoverished existence he must lead. How must it be to never be able to truly connect with people, or love? But thinking this doesn’t really help me because he can’t miss what he has never known, or never will know. I want him to suffer for what he did to me, and what he’s no doubt done to countless other women.

I hate myself for being so stupid, and it’s this gullibility which has left me feeling the most desperate today. I fucking know I’m a sex and love addict, and that I have horrible boundaries, but I still make the same mistakes over and over again. What good is it to attend Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings, and the local zen centre, if I fall at the first hurdle? I feel that I will never get better because I can’t trust myself to fucking remember (just fucking remember!) that I have a serious problem, and that I need help.

I am so alone, and I can’t stand being this way anymore. How can I stop myself from feeling this gut-wrenching void and emptiness inside? I’m scared I’ll never be able to.

This episode has also shown me that I need to get the hell out of the sex industry. The friend I’m visiting is scared for my physical safety, but, honestly, it’s my emotional safety that’s more in danger. Most of the men who use my services are broken in some way, and I just don’t want to be around that. I don’t want to be anywhere near their sickness. I want to meet happy, healthy people or at least people who are working on themselves so they can be that way.

I have painted myself into a corner, though. With so many pets, it would be impossible for me to find a cheaper place to stay, so most of my money goes on rent. My landlady is also cool with my having so many pets, and I would never find somebody like that again. I literally have to do erotic massage to survive and to find a way to save money so I have a little more financial stability. The only solution here would be to get rid of some of my pets, but I can’t do that. They’re like family. But I can’t keep on living the way I’m doing.

I took a train today for the first time in ages since there is not really a rail service where I live currently. I had the passing thought that I could throw myself on the tracks when the train arrived Anna Karenina-style. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live like this this either.


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11 thoughts on “This Time I Know It’s For Real

  1. jimidcricket April 24, 2013 at 8:01 pm Reply

    … you are probably a whole lot stronger and self empowered than you think you are. You have said repeatedly “this is a bad idea”.. and went ahead and did it anyway.
    Since you have the insight to recognize the direction where one set of actions would lead you… I would bet you would also be correct if you followed the “this would be a good idea” thoughts..

    I can relate to the struggle of seeking outside myself to give and receive the love I want..
    yet, the gratification of another persons attention will never live up to my desire or demands if I am not willing to invest in taking care of myself first.
    I have noticed that when I nurture myself (even if that means a period of tough love and conviction… even the dreaded abstinence ) then the quality of what and who i am attracted to becomes healthier, the quality of character of person who i attract in my life is a good mirror of how i am treating myself…

    I had a moment where I was not going to comment or respond…
    the notion of a man speaking on behalf of compassion when a woman is speaking openly of vulnerability.. well… I just wanna share a couple things that have helped me when I was in similar quandary ….

    be the change you want to see in the world….

    • petrichoric April 24, 2013 at 9:06 pm Reply

      Thank you for the video, and the comment. I liked what that lady said: “Feeling that vulnerable means you’re really alive”. At the moment, though, I could probably do with feeling a little less alive, to be honest. 🙂 But, yeah, I guess it’s better to be me than that guy because at least I have the ability to feel love, compassion, and joy. He doesn’t.

      And, yes, you’re right that I *will* start to attract healthier people into my life when I look after myself. Right now, though, I am staying far, far away from men since I obviously can’t be trusted around them at the moment.

      • jimidcricket April 24, 2013 at 11:26 pm Reply

        healing … it is a long road, yet a journey worth the effort.
        I speak this as a person who has moved just far enough along to recognize my past is not who i am today.. not with shame and not stuck in the same destructive patterns.

        the public forum is a curious place.. I have said somewhere in one of my blogs that airing out your closet of demons and treasures in the public forum is a ridiculous notion.. almost like going to New Orleans to sober up..
        however I am thankful for the perspectives other people have to offer..
        with that being said.. and i mean no disrespect.. but there is an awesome book.. (at least I liked it) it is written to and for women… It really helped me to grow and I often recommend it to anyone who hasn’t already read it…I even gave it to my mom… Women Who Run With Wolves..Clarissa Pinkola Estés…

        • petrichoric April 26, 2013 at 1:17 pm Reply

          Thanks for the book recommendation! As for airing my dirty laundry in the blogosphere, for some reason I really enjoy it. It gives me a lot of solace to write for other people, as I feel that I’m connecting with others. It helps me get over my loneliness. I used to keep a private journal, but I haven’t done that for ages, as I feel like I need other people’s input at the moment.

          • jimidcricket April 26, 2013 at 5:49 pm Reply

            Isn’t that strange? writing in the public forum?.. and yet, somehow, the writing can get more honest and more vulnerable. (there is that word again) I subscribe to any creative action that helps us express or give movement to any emotion. Otherwise, it would just get stuck and root itself into being some future problematic hang up. Even joy and love can become dour if we dont let it breath and attempt to forever hang on to it..
            whatever tho.. ha..

            Im glad you write and I even can glean some inspiration from your words..

            hey, I figure since I am in a happy state of “fantasy and romantic abstinence”
            AND since you claim to be staying away from men for the moment
            AND since I am not of middle eastern descent..
            it may be safe to share a little friendly word exchange…

            Its chaotic, hard to read, at times long winded.. but here is a little of my dirty laundry as well..
            dont feel obligated to read or respond..
            its just that, like you.. I enjoy the introspection and solace that comes with writing in the public forum … I started in February and was overcome with a mad desire to just start to get shit off my chest and free from my ownership..

          • jimidcricket April 26, 2013 at 5:50 pm Reply

   opps.. forgot to add that part..

  2. lifeismisery April 25, 2013 at 1:38 am Reply

    you should tell more stories about your life as an erotic masseuse…

    • petrichoric April 25, 2013 at 1:50 pm Reply

      Why? So you can be titillated?

      • lifeismisery April 25, 2013 at 7:56 pm Reply

        I’m just kidding. But I probably would be.

  3. williamx April 25, 2013 at 10:33 pm Reply

    She told those stories already, lifeismisery, you’re late to the party . . .

    Petrichoric, you gotta do what you gotta do. I’m all full of positive energy or whatever and so I feel that if you focus on what you want and let the obsession with connection and intensity of feeling just . . . sit, you might get somewhere a little brighter. But that’s the trick, huh? The last year has been good to me so I am insufferably optimistic. I hope you can say the same sooner rather than later.

  4. petrichoric April 26, 2013 at 12:02 pm Reply

    Yes, very late to the party, lifeismisery!

    ¡Hola, williamx! Glad to hear that life has been good to you recently. Once I get back home, I’m going to get back into zen and meditation again, and I think that this will calm me down, and centre me a bit, as it did before. Hopefully I’ll get there in the end.

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