You’re So Vain (Part 2)


It’s one of those days, folks – a day when I haven’t got a single intelligent thing to say. But I’ve promised myself I’ll write every day in this blog even if this means that I just write crap. This was a personal goal of mine, but, hell, even Leo Babauta over at Zen Habits says it’s a good idea. I’m sitting at the airport now, waiting for my flight back home, and I really didn’t feel like writing anything but then “You’re So Vain” started playing, and that seemed like too much of a coincidence to ignore.

I’m depressed to be heading back. It seems like nothing in my life is going well. Professionally, personally, emotionally and spiritually I feel adrift. I work up feeling depressed, and then felt better later, but the depression hit me again later as I was having lunch with my friend in a café. I’m not sure if the Prozac is working, but, well, I’ve only been on it for a week, so I guess I should give it more of a chance.

I bought a pair of expensive jeans today, and I was depressed looking at myself in the mirror in the store. Yeah, I know, first world problems, right? But, well, I never claimed that I wasn’t superficial with a head filled only with vapid thoughts. I’m attractive, but I think I could be a lot more toned. I seem to have put on weight over the last few weeks. Then again, it’s really hard for me to know whether I look good or not, as I probably have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Any time I think I look good, people say I look unhealthily thin. After seeing myself in the mirror, I decided that I would start training for another marathon again to get more toned, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I’m so fucking busy – I’ll be starting work on the SLAA steps next week, and meeting with my sponsor weekly; attending the Zen center at least once a week; going to at least one SLAA meeting once a week; meditating daily; looking after my ten pets; singing in my band; blogging daily and, oh yeah, working forty hours per week. Do I really have time to train for a marathon as well?

I can’t believe I’m about to quote a Radiohead lyric from 1992 (clearly, I never outgrew my emo phase), but “I want a perfect body; I want a perfect soul”. Marathon running and honing my body probably shouldn’t be a priority in my life right now. I should probably be focusing on my recovery. But I just can’t stand the idea of growing older, and not being attractive anymore.

I want to be a Buddha, but, well, a really fucking hot Buddha.

 

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2 thoughts on “You’re So Vain (Part 2)

  1. Pandora Viltis April 28, 2013 at 2:39 pm Reply

    Why a marathon right off the bat? Start small, or just smaller with a half marathon or 10k. Something that fits your schedule, is more reasonable a goal and not as easy to say “fuck it” because you bit off more than you can chew.

    I have problems with body dysmorphia too. I think. I get the same response — when I think my weight is good, I get told I’m not eating enough. And they’re probably right. I’m about 10 lbs more than I want to be and can’t bear looking at photos of myself. Yet I am no where near overweight. I wear a size 2 — I can’t imagine what else I want.

    So I avoid photos and mirror and try to judge myself more on how I feel. I feel pretty strong and like I have room to get stronger. That’s better headspace for me than “skinny”.

    • petrichoric May 3, 2013 at 12:03 pm Reply

      I’m still undecided about the marathon thing. The reason I don’t want to train for a half-marathon or 10K is because that’s not much of a challenge. I could do either without training much (although not saying I’d get a good time, of course). Also, the main issue for me is not so much the length of the race as the fact that I would have to get up at some ungodly hour on a Saturday morning to train no matter what distance I want to race, and give up one evening per week to speed work. I’m so undisciplined that I would need to join a training program, as I could never train for a marathon on my own. I’m not sure if I want to make that time commitment.

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