Not Dead


I don’t go to bars much these days. It’s not that I don’t like them; I just don’t have the time. And, also, I don’t like the way I am when I’m drunk, or the hangovers that ruin the next day.

But I felt like going to my local bar after work today to have a nice cold Hefeweizen. I just wanted to see people. Relax for once. I never relax. I don’t know how.

This is the bar where I met Rebound Guy last year and where the debacle of my addiction to him reached its grisly finale. I’ve been back to that bar since we stopped seeing each other, but he wasn’t there, and since he was an alcoholic who practically lived there, I assumed this meant he was (a) dead (b) in rehab or (c) he had moved back to the state he’s from.

But, of course, no such luck! He was there today, and he came up to say hi. I wish he hadn’t. He’s looking much better, and says he only drinks “occasionally” now. Who knows whether that’s true. Like I said, he does look a lot better.

Just to find something to say, I made the mistake of asking him if he still sold weed. He said, yes, and that he now also grows mushrooms. I’ve only taken mushrooms a few times in my life, and I love them. They’re the only drug I’d be interested in taking again. I then made the second mistake of asking him for his number so I could buy mushrooms. He was, like, “um, I’ve got a girl”.

I can’t believe I put myself in a situation where the dude would think that I actually still want to fuck him! God, I am so dumb. Apparently his “girl” knows all about me because she was the one whom he picked up from the airport the morning after we spent all night fucking.

I don’t want Rebound Guy. In fact, I wish I had the presence of mind to tell him that the only reason I ever fucked him was because I was in pain, and needed the drug of sex to numb me.

But I can’t help but feel sad. I *am*, for some crazy reason, really attracted to him, and it was disturbing to be reminded what sexual desire feels like. Not the desire for him….just desire in general. I just remembered that I like sex, and miss sex….but, more than that, I miss feeling connected to another human being. I don’t like being forced to see how lonely I am.

It’s a beautiful day. Sunny, and not too hot yet. It’s the kind of day where it would be bliss to have someone to love…somebody to come home to and cuddle.

But instead (and this is almost hilarious because I am such a cliché!), I will be spending this evening trapping feral cats so I can take them to get spayed and neutered. :-/

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8 thoughts on “Not Dead

  1. Pandora Viltis May 9, 2013 at 7:43 am Reply

    I don’t know that it’s a cliche that you spent the night helping feral cats. I mean, how many people have that kindness in them? Plus, it’s a good redirection of your emotions into something positive.

    • petrichoric May 11, 2013 at 8:21 pm Reply

      Yes, you’re right that it is a good thing to redirect energy into helping animals. In the end, I only took one cat to get fixed. He’s another stray who turned up on my doorstep this week. My friend is going to take him, but not until January, which means that I’ll temporarily have nine cats. :-/

  2. xul May 9, 2013 at 7:08 pm Reply

    Hefeweizen. The sociopath I used to know liked hefeweizen.

    Other than that, you can stop thinking of yourself for five seconds and wish me a belated happy birthday! 🙂

    • petrichoric May 11, 2013 at 8:19 pm Reply

      Ha, are you trying to imply that all Hefeweizen drinkers are sociopaths?!

      And a very Happy Belated Birthday to you! Did you do anything fun to celebrate?

  3. xul May 12, 2013 at 9:34 pm Reply

    Nah, it’s just the first thing I think of now every time I hear the word ‘hefeweizen’.

    My mother had surgery for my birthday so I was tied up with all that that entailed. I *did* win a dead pool. So there’s that.

    • petrichoric May 13, 2013 at 3:46 pm Reply

      I have no idea what a “dead pool” is. I googled, and it’s apparently a character from a Marvel comic book. But that can’t be it! What on earth do you mean?!

  4. xul May 13, 2013 at 5:51 pm Reply

    It’s where you pick which celebrity/famous person will be the next to die. Yeah, a bit morbid. Ironically, I won with a famous animator/special effects creator.

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