Thirty-Five


I’ve thought for years that 2013 would be my year – the year when everything finally worked out, and I’d be “successful” (whatever that means). I thought this because I was convinced that I would come into my own when I finally turned thirty-five. I’m not sure why I thought this, but I just did.

After the weekend I’ve just had, I would have to be fucking Pollyanna to continue to believe that this is going to be the case. For the last forty-eight hours, I’ve basically lain in bed the whole time, staring at the ceiling, and crying.  I was supposed to go to work yesterday, and today, but I called in sick. I don’t think I’m going to go tomorrow either.

I have done no housework for days, and there is barely a clean dish to make myself any food, so I don’t eat anything or, if I do, it’s cereal. Much to my eternal shame and guilt, I also didn’t feed any of the pets until long after the usual time because I couldn’t rouse myself to get out of bed to do so.

I have no clean clothes, and, in fact, I’ve slept in the ones I’m currently wearing two nights in a row. It goes without saying that I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face, and my hair looks like I stuck my finger in an electric socket.

I also haven’t cleaned the litter boxes in days, which is a big, big problem when you have so many cats. What with the terrible stench in the house and my dishevelled, dirty appearance, I am a classic crazy cat lady.

I feel very hopeless, isolated and lonely. I know that I need to get back to meditating, and start working the SLAA steps, but both of these tasks seem so daunting, and time-consuming. I want a quick fix! I know that’s lazy, but I do. Or I want a guarantee that meditating and doing the steps will revolutionize my life. I want the promise of results, goddammit!

I think that part of the reason I’ve stopped meditating and haven’t started working the steps yet is because I am scared to death that they won’t help me. This makes no logical sense whatsoever, but, in some way, it’s comforting not to do anything, as that way I can hold on to the hope that there is something out there that could help me. If I start meditating/working the steps, and they don’t help, then I’ll have nothing. All hope will be gone.

It’s the same way with writing. How much easier it is to sit on the sidelines, bitching about other people I consider less talented than myself who are successful writers than actually getting around to doing any writing myself. It’s comforting to think of myself as a talented writer who “just cannot get started” rather than a “writer manqué” who just doesn’t have it in her to be successful.

I don’t have faith in anything at the moment – not myself and certainly not a Higher Power.

 

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11 thoughts on “Thirty-Five

  1. jimidcricket May 13, 2013 at 5:09 pm Reply

    a matter of curiosity.
    I wonder if you do not practice the things you want to do to feel better about yourself , not because you are afraid they will not work…. but because you are afraid they WILL work…
    Maybe I should amend that by saying “we” as in many of us and not as “you” to single you out as an example..

    Sometimes it seems we operate from the comfort of our stress or our misery because its what we know.. being healthy and practicing healthy attitudes brings the unknown to be within our grasp… the unknown can feel intimidating, daunting or carry skepticism.

    That and actually owning our behavior…
    claiming responsibility for our actions.. not seeking outside scapegoats or saviors…
    these are familiar challenges I know I have faced, and continue to face…

    then again… those cat litter boxes will motivate anyone after a while..
    🙂

    • petrichoric May 14, 2013 at 1:31 pm Reply

      You’re right about the cat litter boxes. I was forced to clean them all last night. Took me hours. 🙂

      I don’t know if my “stuckness” is because I am comfortable in my misery, and afraid of change. I don’t think so. I really do want to feel better. I think my issue is what I blogged about earlier today – wanting a “defined”, clear path to getting better, and not being comfortable with ambiguity. I have huge control and perfectionism issues, so “ambiguity” is very scary. But maybe that’s just another way of saying exactly what you said, haha.

  2. williamx May 13, 2013 at 5:19 pm Reply

    I don’t know, I always worried about the process of trying. Fail or no isn’t super important, results matter sure but nothing ever ends really until you are in the ground, eating sand, and when that happens you’re past caring, so what . . .
    I get the lonliness thing though, for sure. My love life is such a collection of disorder, fail, foolishness and general maddness that I wonder what chance I can ever ‘love and be loved’ again. And I am right now again making slow moves I’ll end up regretting, but maybe not? Just because pain and fail did happen doesn’t mean it will happen this time . . .
    But I’m not you and this “It’s the journey that matters” new age cliched tripe probably isn’t helping. I’d like to encourage you in that direction anyway, and at least offer some sympathy. A comment on a blog isn’t much, but it’s not, you know, nothing.

    • petrichoric May 14, 2013 at 1:37 pm Reply

      Aw, thanks, Williamx. You are indeed correct that a comment on a blog is not “nothing”. Far, far from it. I always look forward to everything you and my other readers have to say, and your thoughts and insights mean a lot to me. They are a huge comfort actually.

      I suppose that, yeah, “it’s the journey that matters” is a cliché, but, well, it’s also totally true, and it’s something that I need to remember, but somehow can’t.

      I’m sorry to hear that you’re lonely. Why are you single?! You have so much to offer a nice, young lady! But I’m glad that you’re making romantic “moves”. Sure, you might get hurt, but, well (and now it’s time for another cliché) “it’s better to have loved and lost, then never loved at all”, eh? 🙂

  3. xul May 13, 2013 at 6:05 pm Reply

    My poor Pet, I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a massive hug. (Even if I’d need a clothes pin on my nose. 😉 )

    • petrichoric May 14, 2013 at 1:41 pm Reply

      You can reach through the computer now if you want. The litter boxes have been cleaned!

  4. Pandora Viltis May 13, 2013 at 8:25 pm Reply

    You’re worrying me. Is there someplace you can check in to for depression? It might help you to be somewhere that the staff can look over you. I know you probably won’t want to spdo it due to your pets, but maybe you can find someone to feed them? There’s no shame in asking for help. I’d not still be here if I hadn’t.

    • petrichoric May 14, 2013 at 1:43 pm Reply

      I’m OK. Sometimes I just have a few days like this when I get really depressed. I don’t usually stay down for very long. But, yeah, I wish I could check in somewhere. It would be nice just to have the time to think about stuff, and be removed from my daily cares for a while. It’s hard to get better when you have to deal with real life.

  5. williamx May 14, 2013 at 9:48 pm Reply

    I’m single cuz I’ve been broken hearted a half a dozen or so times, and I can’t take that pain again. I’ve become a commitment phobe. My ex’s would tell you I’ve always been that way. Because? War. Nothing much matters to me, really. And who wants to live with that?
    Still, I’m trying. Because I like intimacy. We’ll see how it ends up. She’s driving.

    • petrichoric May 15, 2013 at 4:42 pm Reply

      It’s funny how the emotional pain after a break-up is the absolute worst kind of pain, isn’t it? There’s nothing quite like it. I’m a commitment phobe, too, which is why, I think, I keep choosing men who are unavailable. But I’m glad to hear that you’re at least putting yourself out there with this new woman! Let me know how it goes. Just be yourself with her. She can’t help but love you! 🙂

  6. shrink on the couch May 17, 2013 at 1:02 am Reply

    “I think that part of the reason I’ve stopped meditating and haven’t started working the steps yet is because I am scared to death that they won’t help me. This makes no logical sense whatsoever, but, in some way, it’s comforting not to do anything, as that way I can hold on to the hope that there is something out there that could help me. If I start meditating/working the steps, and they don’t help, then I’ll have nothing. All hope will be gone.”

    This is incredibly insightful. It does make logical sense to me. The fear of yet another failure, the fear of expending a lot of energy and time in the hopes of a fix only to find, nope. Nada. And you are certainly not alone in this. Lots of company in this fear of failure arena.

    Therapy, healing, change .. really these truly require a form of faith – but not necessarily a higher power. It’s rather, faith in oneself, in the ability to heal, faith that this or that form of therapy will stick but only if *I* stick with it. And it takes real energy to embark on any path toward change. Even choosing to try something as *simple* as taking a prescription takes energy and faith that this little package of chemicals will do any good.

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