Well, my divorce was finalized yesterday. It was kinda weird getting divorced because I had to do it in front of all the other people who were getting divorced that morning. I thought there would have been (and would have liked) more privacy, but I guess that’s just how it’s done. Hell, since MM and I eloped, there were way more people at the divorce than the actual wedding! MM didn’t have to be there himself, thank God, since the divorce was uncontested.
The two women who got divorced before me looked so mournful during the whole process. I didn’t want to look mournful so I tried my best to have a feisty air about me. Hmmm, not sure if it worked. Afterwards I went to Whole Foods to grab some breakfast, and ended up crying in the parking lot for about an hour until I got on Facebook, and chatted with a friend who reminded me that MM was a dick.
He wasn’t an out-and-out dick, but, yeah, there were certainly some dickish tendencies, one of which was refusing to get a well-paying job so he could concentrate on his art, but then never finishing any art, so we were constantly broke. When he finally did get a semi-decent job, the first thing he did with his pay check was go out and get drunk and stoned with a friend, blowing off all the plans we had made to celebrate. When he did that, I trashed his art studio, which, yeah, obviously was very uncool, but that gave him the perfect opportunity to avoid facing up to his own behaviour. Whenever he did something wrong, I would overreact, and then all the focus would be on how mentally unstable and selfish I was. I’m still trying to get over that now. I’m constantly beating myself up about how fucked-up and selfish I am.
But, oh well, whatever, there’s no point now in rehashing everything that he and I did wrong. We were just no good for each other at all. Despite knowing this, I do still get sad because I feel that he didn’t really try to fix things between us. There was never any acknowledgement of what he did wrong. Sometimes I’ll think “Oh, I would have been willing to work on myself if he had been, too”, and then I’ll imagine a different “us” – still an “us” with problems but a couple who are working on them, and learning to grow together. But then I realize that there’s no point in feeling sad about what could have been because the person I want to be with again is not really the person he is, or probably ever will be. It’s just a fantasy.
And, in all honesty, he deserves a person who loves him much more than I ever did. Whenever I re-read the blog posts I wrote about him, or any journal entries, all I ever seem to do is bitch and complain. There’s nothing wrong with that per se if you use that as the impetus to get out of the relationship, but I didn’t. Instead I just stayed and kept on losing more and more love and respect for him, and making sure he knew it. He didn’t deserve that. He deserves somebody who truly appreciates him.
I hope he finds that person one day. I hope we both do. But right now I’m not even sure that anybody could love me.