Category Archives: stray cats

Missing Cat

I’m feeling very down today. I’m not sure why. It could be a case of the “gets-worse–before-it-gets-better” Prozac blues. I am also feeling not at all connected to people, or humanity in general. I was supposed to go out with colleagues from work last night, but I decided not to go because (a) I was exhausted (Prozac again?) (b) while I like my colleagues, they’re not people I would usually associate with if I hadn’t met them at work and (c) I’m tired of going out and getting drunk, and making superficial connections with people.

I had texted a colleague earlier that afternoon to let him know I wouldn’t be there, and he only texted me back at 11:30 p.m. saying “Hey, thanks for the heads up. I just noticed you weren’t there”. Really? It took him 3.5 hours (the night-out started at 8:00 p.m.) to realize I wasn’t there?! Other colleagues had texted me wondering where I was, but, of course, I concentrated on the one who didn’t. I was immediately filled with anger towards this guy, and found myself thinking “Fuck you, you self-absorbed dick”. It’s not great that I had this reaction, but I now at least try to ponder what could be the real emotion behind the anger. With me, it’s usually sadness I guess – feeling that I’m not important, that I don’t matter, that nobody notices me or anything I do.

Since I’m feeling so lonely, I indulged in a little bit of romantic intrigue via email with the incredibly witty and smart client I mentioned in a recent post. We really hit if off during the massage session a couple of weeks ago, and once he got home that night, he emailed asking if he could take me out for a drink. I was tempted to take him up on the offer, but no good can come of a sex worker dating a client, so I declined. But that didn’t stop me engaging in some flirty witty banter with him yesterday. Thankfully, I’ve nipped it in the bud, as email/text/iMessage flirtation is often the way I start to get obsessed with a guy.

I know this is incredibly hypocritical given that I’m perfectly happy to take their money, but I don’t really respect or trust any of my clients. I’m not saying that they’re bad guys (because they’re not) but they’re probably not the healthiest of people. They’re either seeing me behind their partner’s back, or they’re single but using my services to avoid facing some difficult area of their life. I just don’t want to get involved with a client because that’s not the kind of man I want for myself. I would like somebody more self-aware. Before you leave a comment telling me what I hypocrite I am, please know that I do realize that I am not the healthiest person either.

I am also sad this weekend because of an encounter with a cat yesterday that ended badly. About a month ago, a big, friendly, fat tom cat turned up outside my door miaowing loudly one night. He was there two nights in a row, which struck me as odd, as he didn’t seem like the kind of cat whose owners would let roam about at night. I fed him, and he didn’t seem particularly hungry, so I just assumed he belonged to somebody but maybe liked wandering about occasionally. I told myself that if he was there three nights in a row, I would assume he was a stray and do something to help. He never came back. But yesterday he did, and he was completely fucked up. Skinny, nose covered in scabs, eyes all gungy, and with a wound on one of his hind legs with maggots crawling on it. I took him to the local vet who said he thought he had been hit by a car. The poor wee guy didn’t make it. He died shortly after arriving at the vet’s.

I feel very bad because it was tough to see this once healthy cat in such terrible condition. I hate to think about how much pain he must have been in. Some “Missing Cat” posters appeared in my street earlier this week, and the cat on them looked very much like the cat who died. I called the owner and he visited the vet to view the body, and he confirmed that it was indeed his cat. Apparently the owner was in-between apartments, and had given the cat to some friends temporarily, and he had escaped weeks ago. The guy doesn’t own a car, and lives on the other side of town, so that’s why it had taken him so long to put up the “Missing Cat” posters. I feel that I should have taken better care of this cat when he arrived on my doorstep the first time. Looking back, I can now see that he was really affectionate and attention-seeking the two nights he was outside my house. I have eight cats of my own for God’s sake, so why did I not recognize that he was lonely, confused and wanted somebody to help him?

Poor kitty cat. If any good came out of this, it’s that he died somewhere comfortable with people with him, and not lying in the gutter all alone.


Distracted by Larry Brown

So much for my new routine of getting up early, feeding the pets, writing in my journal, blogging and then going for a run – all before starting a day’s work. This morning I decided to read a “little bit” of the novel “The Rabit Factory” by Larry Brown, which had been sitting on my bookshelf for ages. I think I got it years ago for some book group I never ended up going to. I’m not sure why I never read it. It was possibly because the main blurb on the back of the book was from the local “newspaper”, which I find very provincial. I must have thought, snobbishly, that nothing championed in that rag could possibly be any good.

How wrong could I have been! What a bloody good read. A total fucking page-turner, and it has absorbed me the whole day. How rare it is to find a novelist who’s an amazing storyteller. I’m all for experimentation in literature, music and the visual arts but, goddamit, I want to be entertained as well!

Now that I have five cats and have officially earned the “crazy cat lady” moniker, the first sentence even had me grabbed:

“The kitten was wild and skinny, and its tail looked almost broken, kind of hung down crooked”.

There’s also a (male!) pit bull called Jada Pinkett! Oh how I laughed out loud when I read that!

Speaking of stray kittens, the new addition to my family is doing better, as his eyes no longer seem infected, but they do still seem to be ulcerated. I thought they would heal better than this, so I’m taking him to the vet again on Thursday. I really hope that they can save his vision, even if only in one of his eyes. Cats are just such amazingly resilient animals. I doubt this kitten can see very much, as his eyes are pretty fucked up, and yet he still scoots about the floor chasing a little ball! I once had a cat with no eyes (he had to have them removed because they had also been attacked by the feline herpes virus, but they were too badly damaged by the time I found him) and you would never have known he was blind unless you looked at him very closely. He did all the things my other cats did, and only very, very, very rarely bumped into a piece of furniture, and usually because I would have moved it from its normal location.

Just how do cats do that? I’m just in awe of them. God, just listen to me. How many times can I blog about cats? I just got an email from Blogcatalog telling me that my blog had been approved for inclusion, or whatever, and guess what the google ads are on my blog page?! There’s one about sex and another about fucking cat litter! Sometimes I think Google doesn’t only scan the content of my emails and blog, but also has a window into my soul.

Something weird has happened to me ever since finding this fifth cat, though. It really does feel like I’ve been initiated into some kind of cat hoarding club. I can’t stop looking at my cats, and admiring their beautiful feline elegance and independence. God, I love them.

You may be glad to know that Midwestern Man and I finally fucked today. I’m nearly always too tired at night to have sex, so I decided to tell him to hurry back from work and fuck me in the middle of the afternoon. I didn’t really want to, but I know it’s not fair to deprive him of sex. It was really lovely, though, and I feel closer to him again. He says that I’m “like a man”, in that I’m only nice to him after we have sex. There is, sadly, definitely some truth to that. Today, one of my new favourite bloggers, Pandabox33, commented on yesterday’s post and said “I found that just doing it sometimes helps”. This resonated with me a lot because, yes, I find that iif just grit my teeth and force myself to have sex that I actually enjoy it…and then I want more of it. Unfortunately, we then have a small lull in our sex life and then I forget all about how much I like it. Sigh.

Well, must dash, as I’m attempting the Nablopomo challenge this month, and I have to post every day in September. It’s nearly midnight, and I don’t want to miss a day. Sweet dreams everybody.

Cats’ Eyes

Sometimes I wonder why the idea of having kids is so terrifying to me at the moment. I do want to have children eventually, but I’m in no way ready for the responsibility, either financially or emotionally (and you could add physically to that, as I can’t say I’m looking forward to pushing them out of my vagina!). However, when you consider that I now have seven bloody pets, it begins to make little sense that I don’t want kids yet. Surely having seven pets is tantamount to having one kid?! Well, OK, maybe not entirely, but it’s probably just as expensive and my pets keep me tied down to this city – which I’ve been wanting to leave for soooooo long – just as much as a child would. In fact, in some ways they keep me tied down more – if I wanted to leave this place, it wouldn’t be all that expensive or stressful to do so with a kid in tow; but seven pets?! How the hell do you travel thousands of miles across the country, or even the world, with seven pets? You cannae just throw some colouring books in the back of the car and a bag of sweets to keep them amused. Sigh.

Despite the inconvenience and expense of having so many animals, I do love them dearly. They are the light of my life in so many ways. For someone like myself who has experienced so little unconditional love, it has been very good for me to love them unconditionally, and to feel them love me right back. Midwestern Man says that the only reason I love animals is because I’m a control freak and because they do what I say, and don’t answer me back, but I think he’s wrong. True, it is unhealthy that I enjoy the way they need me, and will always need me – it’s not like they’ll be going off to university any time soon! – but codependency isn’t at the root of my love for animals. I just enjoy their presence and they are far more complex, dignified and noble than most human beings realize.

I often wonder, too, if certain humans are able to have a more honest and sincere relationship with animals than they are with humans? When it comes to romantic relationships with men, it has often been so difficult for me to separate my feelings for the person from all the fucked-up and overly idealistic fantasies you can’t help but internalize when you grow up in a Western culture. I’m sure that some people are able to love others in a simple, sincere way without tearing themselves in knots with questions and doubts, but I am not that kind of person. I wish I were, but I’m just not.

This is why animals are so refreshing for me. When I look at one of my cats, I don’t think “Hmmm. Not too sure about you…there was another cat down the street I saw recently and I think we might get on better together. Also, that cat had more attractive markings, and just looked like it took better care of itself…Yeah, just don’t know how I feel about you at all”. Instead, when I look at my animals, I just experience pure love and concern. I only found my new wee kitten less than two days ago, but already I would say that I love him.

As for the wee guy, I took him to the vet yesterday morning and, much to my surprise, the prognosis is good! He tested negative for feline leukaemia and FIV (yes, the virus that causes AIDS in cats), which is huge, as I couldn’t have had him around my other cats if he had had those illnesses. He does indeed have the feline herpes virus, as I thought, but the vet thinks that his ulcerated eyes will be OK provided I keep on administering the antibiotic eye ointment he gave me! The vet also gave him 250 mls of subcutaneous fluids because he was very dehydrated, and since then, the wee guy has been doing much better. He still looks like shit, but he’s managing to eat and is a cute wee bastard! He purrs like crazy whenever I pet him! But, hell, I’d be purring like crazy, too, if I’d just been picked up from the streets of the ghetto and magically found myself in a home where I’ll have the best cat food and lots of cuddles for the rest of my life.

This is why you should spay and neuter your pets!


I don’t have much time to blog this morning, as I am on a mercy mission. Last night, while out walking my dogs, one of my neighbours alerted me to the fact that there was a tiny, pitiful, very sick kitten by the side of the road. My neighbour, and the other people present, didn’t want to take the kitten home, so I was stuck with it. Sigh.

What could I do, though? I just can’t say no to a sick, injured, lost or hungry animal. I just can’t bear to see them suffer. And this kitten is really sick and really tiny, maybe four weeks old at best?

Another cat is really the last thing I need. If this one lives, this will be my fifth cat. I’m not too sure how good its chances are. It would appear to have a really bad case of the feline herpes virus, and it looks like the virus has also attacked its eyes, as you can see from the (underexposed and blurry…sorry!) picture (if the cat survives, I don’t hold out much hope that its eyes can be saved).

I just wish people would spay and neuter their pets. There are so many stray cats in my neighbourhood, and the vast majority of them are sick and unhealthy. Practically every year I find a new kitten and, even though I will do everything I can to help them if they’re sick, two of them have died on me.

Well, must dash…Off to the vet! I’ll give you all an update later…