I’m sure you all saw it coming… MM and I broke up about six weeks ago. It is for the best, but the last six weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. Sadness; guilt; relief; anger; depression and desperation. Every mental health issue I have has been triggered by the break-up. It was not a good break-up. In fact, it could not have had a worse ending.
I should have written in here to work through it all, but it was all I could do every day to get out of bed in the morning, and go to work. One day soon I will tell the story. But right now I don’t want to think about what happened in the past. I’d rather write about what’s happening right now.
I already have a rebound guy who will henceforth be known as “RG”. He’s a mess. Just divorced two months ago himself; a raging alcoholic and incredibly skinny because, I’m guessing, he gets all his calories from booze. And, oh, did I mention that he sells weed for a living? I really know how to pick ’em, eh?
I know it’s weak to get involved with somebody else right away, even if only casually. But I guess I need something or somebody to see me through these dark nights. RG, the alcoholic, needs the booze; and I, the love addict, need a delusional hope for love and romance. The frantic, intense sex (sans condom) is intoxicating. It is some of the best sex I’ve ever had. I had forgotten what passion felt like. I had forgotten what it was like to breathe in a man’s smell, and be turned on just by that alone. His penis is a like a fucking work of art. An incredibly large work of art! I cannot get enough of it. I never knew that penetrative sex could feel so damn good!
I find the sex confusing. How can it be that I am drawn so intensely to a skinny alcoholic who is not even particularly good-looking? Is it just some kind of weird animal pheromone thing? The last time I felt this way about a man sexually was ten years ago, and that relationship was so horrible that I learned to distrust an intense sexual interest in a man. When I met MM I saw it as a good sign that I didn’t want to rip his clothes off but after our marriage became sexless that didn’t seem like the right way to go either.
Is it that RG and I share a similar kind of pain, and that it’s this that draws us together? Unhealthy people and their unhealthy thoughts and feelings attract each other like magnets.
All of the above are possibilities, and yet I can’t help but feel that maybe there is something more at work. He is just so incredibly easy to be around. He is the wittiest and goofiest man I have ever met. Last night, as we walked in the park with my dogs, he broke into a rendition of “Sh Boom”, complete with all the kooky doo-wop noises, and I joined in, harmonizing. It was one of those “special moments” and I thought it was adorable:
Oh, life would be a dream
If I could take you up in paradise up above
If you could tell me I’m the only one that you love
Life could be a dream, sweetheart
RG is a way worse alcoholic than I imagined, though. On Friday morning, he told me that he had stopped drinking, and that he hadn’t had a drink for “ages”. I thought three, four days maybe. When I asked how long, he said that his last drink was one hour before I came around the night before. He was about eight hours dry! Wow. I knew then that he was not going to be able to detox all by himself. And of course he didn’t. He had to start again to avoid the withdrawal symptoms.
Despite all of this, I find myself worrying about him and developing odd feelings of tenderness. I’m not stupid, though. I’ve been there so many times before…the addict man; and me, the fucked-up woman with a saviour complex who wants to throw all her energy into saving her man to avoid facing her own demons. That won’t be happening this time.
Everything about my life is pretty unhealthy right now. I know I’m making some bad choices. I should be able just to sit with my pain, let myself feel it and work through it on my own. I can’t, though, and that’s fine for now. I’m doing what it takes to get through the night. I refuse to beat myself up about that.
And just like RG knows he needs to check himself into a detox facility, I know that I need to limit my contact with him so I can focus on myself. I can no longer use men as my drug to numb the pain. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. I’m nearly 35. I need to start loving myself and following my dreams and passions. It’s not going to be an easy road, but it will happen….
Rebounding via text – Part 1
Aug 25th 18:13
I need to leave.
Aug 25th 18:32
I hope i see your beautiful face soon.
Aug 25th 18:36
You can call me. But i cant start anything with you. I just need a friend. I can’t do anything more.
Aug 25th 18:47
I understand. i will dump a bucket of cold water on myself. 🙂
Aug 25th 18:59
I am so fucked up right now. It would really fuck me up if I had sex with you. All my life i had sex with guys who didnt give a shit about me. You didnt even remember my name.
Aug 25th 19:22
I feel like an idiot. i tried to forget about you because you are married. dont have sex with me ever. if you need a chum feel free to call
Aug 25th 20:29
What is it you want from me? Be honest. Just a casual, meaningless fuck, right?
Aug 25th 20:47
Honestly…i am a little lonely. you are adorable…i enjoy your company and i can be myself around you
Aug 25th 20:50
Ok, we can hang out. You seem nice. Just please dont fuck me. I will probably want to if I am drunk, but i would regret it. I have nothing but bad experiences with men. I feel kinda broken right now. Just be nice to me. I do need a hug.
Aug 25th 20:53
Deal. a have a basket full of hugs if you ever need to borrow one
Aug 25th 21:07
Any chance you want to share a blanket and watch a movie. i will let you pick the film
Aug 25th 21:09
Not tonight. I am super tired & have work tomorrow. I already flaked out on my friend. We could go see a movie on Thur if you want.