The smell of coffee

I didn’t get out of bed until 1:00 p.m. today, which wasn’t entirely surprising seeing as I was up until 4:00 a.m. doing God knows what on the internet. Just surfing aimlessly really, trying to make myself feel better about the fight I had with my husband last night. On the other hand, it isn’t like me to sleep for nine hours straight. At the very most I need seven hours’ sleep, and I can usually function perfectly well on five if I need to. Recently, though, I’ve been sleeping a lot.

I don’t think it’s that I’m depressed (although I probably am on some mild level), so I’m going to put it down to my allergies, and not having enough money to eat properly. For the last month or so, I’ve definitely been feeling malnourished. I don’t think Midwestern Man quite gets just how hungry I have been recently. He doesn’t eat all that much less than me, but we have very different body types and metabolisms, it would seem. If I don’t eat, I get tired, irritable, emotional and depressed very quickly. If I don’t have breakfast in the morning, I’ll literally collapse with fatigue by around 10:00 a.m. I just don’t understand people (like my husband, actually) who are able to skip breakfast with no adverse consequences.

I’m happier tonight, though, because after a weekend of yet more cancellations (what the hell is going on?! Is it the rain?!), I did finally see one client tonight. I was finally able to go to the grocey store – in fact, I just got back – and I bought myself $80-worth of food. Most importantly, I have a huge big bag of coffee, which will last me ages. I don’t care how bad it gets, as long as I can a nice steaming cup of coffee or tea in the morning, the world is at least half-way OK.

Judith, over at Vicarious Rising left me a comment, which has left me feeling a bit upset, though. I’m not upset at her in the slightest – in fact, I appreciate it when people I like tell me what they really think of me. What’s the point of people coming on here and just kissing my ass?! Nonetheless, the comment (that I’ve been making a lot of excuses for myself lately, and that I’m better than that) has set off a wave of paranoia. Maybe it’s not that I’ve just only started making excuses for myself….maybe I did it all along, but nobody noticed because I just didn’t post every day before. Maybe I’m a really awful person, and nobody noticed that before either for the same reason. Or maybe they have noticed that, and that’s why I have no male readers anymore. Maybe I’m a really terrible writer, and that’s why people don’t comment as much as they used to.

I probably am making excuses and, um, I’m not trying to make excuses for making excuses :-), but I honestly don’t know what to do to change my life right now. It seems I’m caught in a vicious circle. There really is no way to stop being a full-time sex worker unless I have a work permit and a car. I can’t, as Terry over at Pandabox33 suggested become a dogwalker or a cleaner, or whatever other jobs she suggested. Yes, I could do those jobs and get paid “under the table” but how would I get to my clients in this city of terrible public transport? One time when I hurt my foot and couldn’t ride my bike to a job, it took me two hours to travel four miles on a bus here. My life in this city takes place within maybe a four-mile radius for a very simple reason – it’s impossible to get to some places without a car. Even if public transport wasn’t a problem, how do I support myself while building up a client base? I need to eat now, and any money I have left over goes towards paying off debt, so how do I do that while I have one dog-walking client a week in the beginning? You say I have choices, and yes, these are choices, but they don’t seem like very good ones to me. They seem just as shitty, and just as unlucrative, as my current situation. I’d rather stick with what I know, so at least I don’t get run over trying to cycle across a highway on my bike.

I wouldn’t mind suffering if any of the suggested jobs tied in somehow to my future plans, but they don’t. Doesn’t it make more sense to use the spare time I have as an erotic masseuse (at least this job gives me a lot of that!) to volunteer in schools? At least that way I strengthen my résumé for the day when I actually can apply for a proper teaching job.

(Bugger it! I posted this stupid thing one millisecond too late, so I missed my midnight deadline for NaBloPoMo.)