It hasn’t been a good week. You might remember that my car was towed two weeks ago after I parked it in the wrong place outside RG‘s apartment complex (that’s what drunk, obsessive horniness does to a girl). This cost me $190. Another result of my obsession with RG was that I neglected to transfer money into my “bills” bank account that same week, so two direct debit bills overdrew my account – another $80 in overdraft fees. I therefore didn’t have enough money to pay my rent this month.
Of course, those of you who have been reading my two blogs faithfully since (when?) 2007 will know that, um, I am rather “handy” when it comes to scraping together some cash in a short space of time. For those of you who don’t know me this means that I moonlight as an erotic masseuse whenever necessary (in other words, I give handjobs to random dudes or, in some cases, regulars). Now that MM and I have broken up, “whenever necessary” pretty much means “all the fucking time” because I obviously have double the amount of bills to pay. Some women have made a career out of writing about their “sexploits” in the erotic massage/escort industry but this is not really my thing anymore although my last blog started off being about that. It’s just a job really.
Today I finally managed to get together all my rent money, which was actually pretty hard. It is not easy for me to make money as an erotic masseuse because I refuse (absolutely refuse) to email potential clients pictures of myself, even if it’s just a shot of my naked torso. This is a curious thing given that I have shitty boundaries in all other areas of my life, but when it comes to erotic massage I’m boundaried up all the way to the hilt. I can’t stand the idea of emailing pictures of myself to some random dude who can then do with them what he will. Sometimes I think that I must have been a member of the Maasai tribe in a past life (they believe photographs steal the soul) because I am obsessed with having control of my image. In this digital age, there are very few men out there willing to come see an erotic masseuse sight-unseen. Although this makes it hard for me to make a living, it is also a good thing because those who do come (or, ahem, cum) are either regulars or those adventurous few souls who can tell from my ads/emails that I’m well-educated, funny, sane and über-discreet, and they appreciate these qualities in me. Very rarely do I meet an asshole. My clients are almost always well-educated, respectful, middle-class men.
However, I digress. I finally scraped together the rent money, a feat made all the harder by the fact that one of my tyres blew out on the way to work yesterday morning. I was doing 65 (or, well, probably at least 70 since I’m nearly always late for work and end up speeding) and I had always been terrified of a tyre blowing out on the highway. It actually wasn’t all that bad. There was just a huge rumbling sound, which I attributed to a passing truck at first, but then my car lurched to one side, so I knew the tyre had blown out. Since I’m an idiot, it didn’t occur to me to put on my hazard lights, but I just got off at the next exit and turned into the first place I could where there just happened to be (hallefuckinglujah! Praise be to God!) an auto repair shop. Just as fucking well because I ain’t ever changed a tyre in my life and I sure as hell don’t intend to. One hour later, and $90 poorer, I drove off with the tyre replaced and my ego slightly inflated from the hardcore pick-up efforts of LeRon, the playa mechanic.
As if all my financial/blown tyre worries weren’t enough, last night I received an email from MM saying, among other things, that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (I agree – distinct possibility there) and – this was a new one from him – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This really cut to the bone because I have read the diagnostic criteria for NPD and I definitely recognize myself in some of them. I truly am very self-absorbed. I know it, and it is shameful. I am acutely aware that all I write about in this blog is myself/my problems/my pain. However, I do not agree that I lack empathy for other people at all…..or do I? I am genuinely terrified that I have NPD because I don’t want to be such a bad person! Please tell me I’m not such a bad person!
I guess I really should tell you now how my relationship with MM ended. I’ve been putting it off for such a long time because it was just too painful to write about. It is a long, messy, nightmarish story but, in a nutshell, I ended up calling police on him one night. Early on that night we had had yet another huge argument and, amazingly for me, I actually managed to disengage from it by locking myself in the bathroom. MM was drunk, and I knew there was no point in actually having a discussion because it would get nowhere. He then kicked the door open, and continued to rant at me which led to me mocking him mercilessly (I probably said stuff like “you’re a pathetic loser” or “this is why I don’t want to fuck you”). MM had been physical with me before (usually when I was smashing stuff or when he was trying to restrain me) but I never thought he would ever intentionally hurt me. Things were getting out of control in our relationship, and I was scared that I was going to break a bone if he pushed me into or over something, but I never thought for a second that he would ever hit my face. And he didn’t. However, as I was mocking him, his fist came flying towards my face, and he only just stopped himself in the nick of time.
After this, MM went off to the local bar (yup, the same one where RG hangs out all the time) and got absolutely fucking plastered. When he came back lots of shit went down, and I can’t say I was entirely innocent. At one point, I ripped his iPhone out of his hand because I thought he was calling another woman (turned out he was just leaving a really drunk, incoherent voicemail for his best friend) but he was hardly an angel either. He grabbed me and shoved me around, trying to get the cell phone back; aimed a kick at me; followed me around ranting at me when we were back in the house; threw my dinner in my face when I finally sat down, trying to ignore him; grabbed my cell phone out of my hand when a friend called; smashed it on the floor several times…and God knows what else. I wanted him out of house and asked him to leave, but he wouldn’t. Eventually I just ended up calling the police, which ended up with my cell phone being smashed on the floor several more times until I could finally get through to the police. Well, the police came and tried to talk to MM, but he shut himself in a room and refused to come out. He talked to them through an open window, clearly totally wasted, and eventually the police got tired of that, and asked me to let them into the house. I did, and they knocked on the door of the room MM was in, but he still wouldn’t come out. The police eventually kicked the door down and, when MM still refused to cooperate, he got tasered twice. Yes, twice.
The result of all of this is that MM now has three criminal charges against him: interfering with someone making a 911 call; assault of a family member and resisting arrest.
I don’t feel guilty that MM was tasered (this was his own doing – he could have cooperated with the police) and the fact that he was actually was a solace to me in some weird way. I don’t mean that I wanted him to get tasered (of course I didn’t!) but the fact that he got himself in a situation where he was tasered showed me that I wasn’t the only crazy one in this relationship. MM made a point of telling me that I was the crazy one all the time.
However, I do feel guilty that MM is now facing a domestic violence charge. By all rights, both of us should have assault charges. There is a many a time that MM could easily have called the police on me for assaulting him. Maybe he should have. Maybe that would have been my rock bottom, and I would have been a better person for it. I feel immense guilt that MM’s life could be ruined because of me. I feel like no man should date me – that I’m mad, bad and dangerous to know. No wonder RG decided he didn’t want to see me anymore. I have crazy seeping out of every pore.
But, guilty as I feel, I believe that MM does not accept full responsibility for his actions. Any time he was physical with me, he justified it by saying I “provoked” him. I accepted this response because I thought “Well, it’s true. I am pretty crazy. The guy was probably driven to act that way”. But he’s a grown man! Nobody can make a full-grown adult do anything! Instead of blaming me for the mistakes he made in his life, I think it would suit him better to ask himself why he continued to stay in a relationship with me because I was (no doubt about it) totally abusive.
And, boy, do I feel guilty about that. I know for a fact that I ruined MM’s self-esteem. I don’t know why I was so verbally abusive but I was, and I sucked all the life out of him. The terrible thing is that he still loves me. Even today, he told me how much he loves me, and that he will always love me. Perhaps I feel the same way. I have no idea. I’m not sure my poor, fucked-up brain can actually process what feelings of love are.
I feel terrible that MM has to spend $10,000 on lawyer fees, attend court dates, stupid state-mandated therapy sessions and whatnot while there I was fucking RG without a care in the world. For one whole month, I barely gave MM a second thought because I was so wrapped up in RG. What kind of person am I? Could it be true that I have no empathy whatsoever?
MM loved me/still loves me, and I gave him nothing. And when I say “nothing”, I mean truly nothing. I had the time and energy to put into running after RG (a loser, alcoholic drug dealer) but I couldn’t even give a scrap of affection to MM who was my fucking husband. I know how much he must be hurting because I have been there myself. I have been that person – the person who was mistreated by an emotionally unavailable partner who then spends months, if not years, wondering “what’s wrong with me?!”. I can’t believe I then turned the tables and did that to another person.
I can’t believe that, after everything I’ve done/ all the pain I’ve caused him, he still loves me. He is the first man in my entire life who has ever loved me. And I treated him like a piece of shit. Threw it all away.
Tagged: borderline personality disorder, domestic violence, erotic massage, Maasai, my husband, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, rebound guy, sex work
My Petrichor Past 
I have a million thoughts on this post. The first being that you sound like every other abused person making excuses for their abuser.
Second, I might agree with a borderline PD diagnosis, but NPD? No fucking way. And I’d never ever accuse my mother, a total NPD of being one. Pointless. I’d suggest MM is projecting himself onto you.
Third, I don’t care of you’re a nice person. Lol. I’m not. Why do you worry about people thinking you’re not? Besides, I bet your pets think you are a goddess 🙂
4th, and a total aside, my son blew his tire this morning on the way to school. Weird. Lol.
I don’t know if I’m making excuses for him. If I am, it’s because I genuinely feel that I completely fucked poor MM up. I feel that I have left him a shell of a man. I can’t say he did the same thing to me. The worst that he did was tell me day-in, day-out how bad my mental health issues were, which I think was very unfair. I think he used my mental health issues to avoid having to face his own (chronic codependency & and alcoholism). Also, instead of trying to help resolve the issues we had, he preferred to just lose himself in anger and resentment, and this turned the relationship into a battleground.
I just feel terrible because I did not give him the love he deserved and needed. He deserved so much better than me. I caused him so much pain, and even though he caused me pain, I know the pain I caused him was much worse.
I’m glad that you don’t think I have NPD. I was hoping that you would say that! Can you tell me why you don’t think I have it? It would help calm me down a bit if I knew why.
Why do I care about people thinking I’m a bad person? It’s not so much that I care people think I’m a bad person. It’s that I just don’t want to be a bad person! I want to be a good person who is kind and considerate to others. I don’t want to be a self-obsessed,self-absorbed, abusive person, and I fear that this is what I have turned into.
Ooh, is your son OK? Did he manage to change his own tyre? I wouldn’t have the first idea where to start.
My son called his dad after pulling off on an exit, just like you 🙂
Ok, why I think you aren’t NPD… because I have no tolerance for those people anymore? Lol. I know that’s not what you’re looking for.
Because I feel a core humanity in you that cannot be faked. Because although you are needy ( and you shouldn’t be shamed by that) you still show empathy. I think you do have a lot of pain. It’s also no reason for MM to attack you. I hardly think you tricked him when you guys got together.
You seem very human to me. I think you’ve been damaged, and I get that. But you are not mean unless people put your back against the wall.
Yeah, I don’t think I have NPD. Like I said, some of the diagnostic criteria fit, but certainly not the worst ones. Even though I’m pretty self-obsessed at the moment, I do sometimes emerge from that to care for my fellow human beings. 🙂 Also, apparently people with NPD exaggerate ther achievements. Hell, this is something I could be doing more of! If anything, I don’t value or understand the good qualities I have.
Glad your husband was able to help you son with the blown tyre situation. I really should learn how to change a tyre. But how fucking boring!
You are not a terrible person. Not even a bad person. Don’t forget this . . .
I sort of want to go back and read everything you’ve ever written about MM just to confirm my sense that ya’ll we’re a lukewarm couple of convenience. Like you were trying something new with MM and one of the new things was a solid lifetime commitment.
But that’s probably projection since I am commitment averse big time. In any case however you came to be wedded, you were wedded. You knew everything about each other and time passed, expectations faltered and some of what was exciting and possible became stale and irritating.
That shit will drive people to distraction and madness. And so it ended.
Guilt, to me, is the most useless emotion. It hinders change and keeps us connected to things, people and places that should be long forgotten.
Ya’ll did what you did. You are not responsible for MM’s actions, though you influenced them mightily. He married you . . . you married him, in the end when you couldn’t productively be together, he gave in to rage and despair. That’s not your fault.
Your action’s since then are your ‘fault’ though, and they seem to want to inform you that you need intimacy and excitement and mystery and confusion . . .
Ah gods this is going on forever. What I want to say is move forward, the past is done. You can decide how you want to be and change towards that but you cannot alter what’s past.
Of course, you were there so you know better than I who and what is culpable, but I’d strongly advise not to be too hard on yourself.
I think you’re right that all the things I wrote about MM on here suggest that my feelings for him were never anything more than “lukewarm”. Even before we broke up, I would sometimes read over what I’d written about him and I’d realize that I didn’t have a single, fucking nice thing to say about him at all. In fairness, this was mainly because I only ever wrote about him in this blog when I was pissed off with him in some way. You never really got to hear about the good times – and there were good times. Now I feel guilty about that, too – that I never documented the good things about the relationship. Eventually my memories are going to fade, and I won’t be able to come to this blog and smile fondly at some sweet little story about MM because I never took the time to write about any of that stuff. All I ever recorded was the shit. Poor MM. Poor fucking MM. I hope to God he finds some sweet girl who can repair all the damage I did.
But you’re right that guilt is not a productive emotion. I can’t change what I did or what happened. All I can do is work on myself so that I am never again abusive to a partner the way I was to MM. I don’t want to be that person, and I don’t want to be in that kind of relationship.
To be completely honest, there are a few men from my past who I wouldn’t mind seeing tasered. I know I’d probably feel terrible afterwards, though.
This really does sound like a nightmarish situation. So sorry you had to go through this.
I’ve been reading through some of your older entries. We really have so much in common. Looking forward to reading more.
Ha, yeah, some people really do deserve a good tasering, don’t they? I actually saw MM get tasered by the police, and it was very upsetting. He was so drunk and vulnerable. You never want to see your partner in such a state. We caused each other so much pain, and I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore. I want to bring joy to people’s lives, not destruction and chaos.
Yes, we do have a LOT in common. I love your writing, and I can’t wait to read more of your blog as well. You haven’t posted since October 1st! I need another post! 🙂
The idea of MM diagnosing you is laughable. He’s not even a shrink and he’s certainly not your shrink. He probably heared those terms from his own state-mandated therapist. I think he could do with a few more sessions.
He is the first man in my entire life who has ever loved me.
So? Doesn’t mean you owe him anything. Doesn’t mean you were destined to be lovers either.
Marrying him allowed you to stay in the US though.
Yes, apparently Michael’s therapist said that I had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’m not sure how somebody can diagnose me with this when they’ve never even met me! On the one hand I understand why MM has a need to find a diagnosis for me. Ten years ago I had an awful relationship with a guy, which totally fucked me up. After it was over, I spent lots of time on the internet googling certain mental health diagnoses, trying to find out what he was so I could make sense of what had happened, and come to terms with it. I think he very well might have been a sociopath. However, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what the other person has or doesn’t have. The only thing that matters is why *you yourself* were with somebody who has mental health issues. MM really needs to work through his codependency and alcoholism instead of focusing on me. But I guess he will do that when he is ready. Or maybe he never will.
Holy shit! This sounds like an episode of Cops!
Anyway, NPD is something that I know a little bit about, and you, my dear, don’t seem to be the one with NPD. Sounds like MM is projecting, something that N’s tend to do. And I doubt that he really loves you. He’s probably just saying that to hoover you back in. If you were the one with NPD, you wouldn’t feel any guilt. Weren’t you raised by a BPD mother? You might just have a bad case of “fleas”.
And you really *should* learn how to change a bloody tire. It’s not that difficult. 🙂
Yes, I should learn how to change a tyre, right? *Embarrassed*
I don’t think that MM has NPD either. Codependency? Yup. Alcoholism? Yup. I think I really did damage him, and he’s just desperately trying to come up with some reason why I didn’t love him so that he’ll feel better, so that he can accept the fact that it had nothing to do with him. I think that’s true.
And, yes, I do think that my mother probably had BPD.
My ex blamed me for years for giving him “commitment issues.” Which I had to laugh at because it was like he forgot all the bullshit he put me through in our 6 years together. The emotional cheating, not the least of which was with my own fucking little sister! He ran me through a wringer then blamed me when I needed to get free. Because no matter how inadequate he had to make me feel, he always begged for me to not leave him. And I feel guilty and go through it all over again.
Fuck MM.
Oh, MM isn’t really that bad. Of course he did some shitty stuff to me, but, remember, on this blog you’re only ever getting my side of things. I’m not lying when I say that I treated him despicably. I put nothing (NOTHING!) into that relationship. I just didn’t. He needed love, affection, understanding, encouragement…he got nothing. If you saw some of the things I did, and heard some of the things
I said to MM, every one of my readers would have told him “Run! Run – don’t walk! – run away from her!”.
It sounds like your ex truly did want to make you feel bad for leaving him so he didn’t have to face up to his own issues. But I *know* I have commitment issues. This is not something MM just made me believe. It’s totally the truth.
I’m real sorry that you got more guilt out of the stuff I wrote trying to say “Don’t feel Guilty!” Damn.
Did I ever mention that the last woman I loved, and whom loved me, and was what now feels like was probably my last chance at real love, was bi-polar and in the end I had to have her committed? It was the single worse day in my life. I mention it now to say that it’s better to let your health pro diagnose you, not a drunken lover nor his support system that gets a very one sided view of things. It’s why I don’t want to judge MM and instead wish him well. Though I still think he couldn’t cope with his life not turning out as awesome as he thought he deserved, and didn’t move forward enough to not disappoint you and your probably not unrealistic expectations.
No, you never did mention that you had to have your love committed. Wow! Whatever happened to her? Is she OK now? Can’t you get back together if she’s better?!
And, no, you shouldn’t judge MM. Honestly, I really did do a LOT o really, really, really nasty things to him. I crushed that poor man’s soul. Like everybody he is flawed, but he is a good person, and he didn’t deserve what I did.
Fair enough. Don’t do that again.
And no, my chance with that woman is gone. She’s not ‘better’ but she is with someone better able to take care of her and cope with madness. Maybe. I hope. Even if she did somehow get ‘better’ I’d never fully believe it, and I’ve moved on, almost. Mostly. Ha not at all. But I have let her go and ignore her now and again attempts to talk with me, so that is progress?
Yeah, if you are not right for her, then it is best that you let her go. But she seems to still like you, though, if she’s still contacting you although she has a new guy. Sounds like a bit of a messy situation and you are strong for not letting yourself get sucked back in.